Lost myself

Days and nights all blended into one. I had no idea where, who or why I was. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I hugged my belly trying to understand what/why this was happening. I was becoming driven by fear. I was scared if I fully loved my husband he would get ripped away from me too. I was scared every time he left the hospital I would never see him again. I felt like I must have left my body for a time. I was having troubles remembering the present but I was able to remember my past. Growing up on the farm surrounded by close family and friends…this is the life I want, that I crave for our son. So now on top of everything I feel sad about that and alot of pressure as well. I want my son to have thd best life possible and I want to reconnect with who I am. I thought I was close to knowing who she was but this experience had taught me I am very far away still. I sit here reminiscing about my childhood growing up. Especially the Christmas’s on the farm. The ice rink we would have in our back yard surrounded by our cousins and friends. We only had one tv channel growing up so most of our time was spent outside. Skating, tobogganing, snow ball fights, snow forts…. And the year we got a nintendo complete with the power pad. I remember all scents and smells from that time. I also feel a little bit sad. My son will never know that joy of visiting all your Aunts and Uncles on Christmas Eve coming together to meet at Grandma and Grandpas house to watch Santas Sleigh on the tv. There would be drinking and eating and laughter and tons of loving and giving. Such a magical time. Even now there’s so much I can do to try and create lasting, loving memories like I have like acknowledging the love I have in my heart from those days and love my family and friends unconditionally. I am excited for this new path I found myself. So it looks like in order to have found myself I needed to lose myself completely. xoxo

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