I have gone through so much in my life. Outside of high school I rarely had a close friend. I am not to sure why but I found it incredibly hard to even trust females. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 13. I learned to lie to cover up the bruises, I built walls to keep others out and I learned the value of keeping quiet because the reality was not to many people actually cared. I wasn’t nice to anybody. Such a hard thing to think and imagine…being a 13 year old girl cut off from the world. I had no idea how to be a good friend…I still don’t. It sucks knowing I hurt people I cared about for most of my life. Just ask my sisters. I am trying to learn to be better especially now that I am responsible for teaching my son how to be a good man.
Being mean was my defense mechanism. Sure some days I dreamed of what it would be like to have best friends or even a “squad” but it was far easier just to build a wall and keep everybody out.
This post was kind of hard to write. I would write, delete, ponder…I started writing this shortly after the last post. It is just really hard to admit where I need to improve but I need to. I need to grow and move past. I need to be 110% when I raise my son. He deserves the best life and family possible so if writing my thoughts down to become more vulnerable helps me heal then that’s what I will do.
I am seeing a post partum therapist ( I was seeing her pre as well but a majority has been dealing with the after care). She is teaching me ways to cope and improve my negative thinking. She is helping me to let down my walls so I can continue building a strong relationship with my husband, making amends to those I have hurt and have an amazing fulfilling life that isn’t measured by what happened in my past.