I have gone through so much in my life. Outside of high school I rarely had a close friend. I am not to sure why but I found it incredibly hard to even trust females. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 13. I learned to lie to cover up the bruises, I built walls to keep others out and I learned the value of keeping quiet because the reality was not to many people actually cared. I wasn’t nice to anybody. Such a hard thing to think and imagine…being a 13 year old girl cut off from the world. I had no idea how to be a good friend…I still don’t. It sucks knowing I hurt people I cared about for most of my life. Just ask my sisters. I am trying to learn to be better especially now that I am responsible for teaching my son how to be a good man.
Being mean was my defense mechanism. Sure some days I dreamed of what it would be like to have best friends or even a “squad” but it was far easier just to build a wall and keep everybody out.
This post was kind of hard to write. I would write, delete, ponder…I started writing this shortly after the last post. It is just really hard to admit where I need to improve but I need to. I need to grow and move past. I need to be 110% when I raise my son. He deserves the best life and family possible so if writing my thoughts down to become more vulnerable helps me heal then that’s what I will do.
I am seeing a post partum therapist ( I was seeing her pre as well but a majority has been dealing with the after care). She is teaching me ways to cope and improve my negative thinking. She is helping me to let down my walls so I can continue building a strong relationship with my husband, making amends to those I have hurt and have an amazing fulfilling life that isn’t measured by what happened in my past.
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Ruby, I am so very glad that you wrote this, and all the others which follow, because writing these posts has allowed you to Heal, allowed you to become the Wonderful person you are, so yet again, Ruby, I Thank you for being you, and I am so happy to know you, to have got to know you.