Oh Christmas

Another Christmas has come along as well as the expectations that go with. The stress of the holidays was not good for me. It actually had a direct impact on my ability to produce milk. So annoying as producing milk is important to me especially because he was premature. I just saw on the news that their was a baby girl found in a dumpster in Calgary. So awful how can one even do that. There was a note and a stuffed animal but with these freezing cold temperatures the girl didnt stand a chance. Being a mom is so hard but she didn’t even give it a chance. My teeth have started to bother me again (from my 3 root canals) so back to rotating sleep with ice packs and heat. Then the breast pumping, feeding, cleaning, burping…this is kind of hard. I have been lucky (?) Not sure what to call it. I am lucky because my husband has been home to help but not so lucky because his company went bankrupt. Life is pretty hard. So many ups and dows and periods of feeling alone I have to find creative ways to help me feel alive. Having my son is very rewarding but it has also been a challenge. As some of you know I was forced into a sexual encounter when I was 13. I wasn’t on birth control, it was a different time back then. No cell phones, no WIFI, no high speed internet just kids being kids playing dirt and terrorizing the animals on the farm. When I found out I was expecting my parents made the hard decision of ending my pregnancy. I was a child myself so although I didn’t agree with their decision it was their’s to make. The holidays have always been tough after that loss. It changes you. When a piece of you dies you are never ever the same. I would like to think that was the only time I lost a piece of me but I also miscarried another little one at 7.5 weeks on December 21, 2008. The situation surrounding this pregnancy was awful. I stole my good friends boyfriend and ended up getting pregnant. He didn’t want a baby so he wrapped me up in a blanket and continuously hit my stomach. At the time when I went into the woman’s clinic I was undecided. A part of me wanted to be a mom but was I ready to be a single mom? I wasn’t sure. So when the tech started thd ultrasound she noticed a large pooling of blood around his head. She wasn’t sure if my baby was dying without further tests. I needed to ger bloodwork done every other day to see if the HCG hormone was going down. After my third test it was confirmed my baby was dying or already passed. She mentioned there was a chance I would miscarry but if not a D and C would be performed. Sure enough on Dec 21 at around 8pm my lil one passed at a Tim Horton’s bathroom on King George. I have spent alot of Christmas’s alone. It had always been easier than pretending to be happy. This year was different. It was my first Christmas as a wife and mom. Fighting with my husband’s sister was not ideal and I don’t want to make exscuses but after everything I have been through a little respect for me being her nephews mom would be great. Still no apology she feels it is my responsibility. So unfortunately we didn’t get to see her at Christmas. Her parents told me I was being unrealistic and unreasonable but I held my ground on wanting an apology. Now with Christmas behind us I will be sending her a text. It’s not about her but more about creating peace in my husband’s life. At this time I am not sure if I will ever have a good relationship with his sister but what I do know is next Christmas is with my family so who knows maybe I will finally get the Christmas I have been waiting for ❤

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