So for any of you who have been following you know the pivotal point to my life path going in the direction that it did was the abuse I sustained as a young girl. The main reason why I am in therapy was from this happening to me. I failed to protect that little girl. This boy ruined my relationship with my father and gave me the exscuse I needed to become an alcoholic. I would steal, lie, drink and smoke. I was a brat after being abused for a year and a half I was ready to self destruct. I was so desperate I even tried to committ suicide as a 13 year old girl. His favourite thing to do was to bite me. Having his teeth marks bruised all over my body was just his way of marking his territory. He would put cigarettes out on me and whip me with his belt. One time he ripped a pair of silk boxers off of my body with me still in them. To say he was a mean boy is an understatement. I watched him throw his 3 year old sister into a wall and hit her. What chance did I have if his little sisters only wrong doing was sitting in my lap and hugging me. This was my life as a young girl. I stopped playing sports, I stopped doing my after school activities and just became this hurt little girl.
The reality is that the only way I was able to get away was from the strong hand of my dad. At 13 my boyfriend covinced me to become sexually active. A short time after when I was reaching out for help I came in contact with a youth group and through their teachings I became aware of how being sexually active at 13 was not a great idea. I decided I wanted to wait till I was with somebody I love. To say I was tired of the abuse was one thing but getting out was completly terrifying. After youth group that night I told my boyfriend that I no longer wanted to have sex in our relationship and i wanted to wait till I was older. How was I supposed to know that that night amongst my tears and my pleas begging him to stop. He forced me. If I thought being abused would change who I was becoming I was wrong. It was becoming pregnant by this violent boy in such a violent way that ruined me up until now. Having an abortion at 13 isnt really a choice. My dad arranged for everything and had my dirty little secret covered up. Thats all my teens seem to be just one dirty little secret after another. How I wish I had some sortof guidance to get me through this.
Fast forward to now and therapy. Of course social media has come up. My therapist told me to just delete people out of my life that can bring up negative energy. After digging all this raw emotion up I noticed that a few of my “friends” are very close to this now man who made it very hard for me to evolve into the person I was born to be. This man has made it harder for me to have relationships and boundaries with others. I know I cant just blame one person but he did have a hand in helping to define me. I see that he has no care in the world to what he did to me or his sister back then. I just think its weird to have a close friend who comments on his pictures talking about how he is a good guy when I know the truth.