This week started off so bad. At therapy on Monday my husband joined our session. He hasnt really known me to show raw emotion or weakness. My therapist hasnt really seen it either. The point of my weekly appointments was to combat any potential pre/post partum somehow through the process we have uncovered alot of raw emotion. It’s incredible to think of the damage and long term effects that being abused has on you. Every
thing you do becomes a survival instinct. The way you process your thoughts and even the way you handle yourself. Nothing is as damaging as your first relationship. For me having a boyfriend meant I was being accepted. He wasn’t just abusive towards me he protected me from the more violent bullies of my school. I felt safe even though he was hurting me. It was a small price to pay.
I remember I was only dating him for about a month when I found out he cheated on me with his cousin. It was a small town, gossip travels fast. I think he continued to sleep with her even after I found out. At the time it didn’t matter to me but it did ruin how I handled myself in relationships. The way I was treated really did affect my relationship with my family and even some of my friends.
Even though the abuse is no longer apart of who I am I still have to work hard everyday to redefine me and the relationships I know I deserve. We all deserve to be treated with love and respect. My focus is to treat everybody with the same childlike wonderment and heart because life feels better when it is full of love. And of course learn to forgive myself and let go. That 13 year old girl deserves a chance at a life before all that negativity and abuse. It is my goal to live that life and to teach my son to love his life in a way I never got a chance too 💙