My first love

I think we all remember our first love. Or at least the first time we could recognize that warm feeling of love. My first love was always my dad. Even as a baby he was my world. I would cry if he wasnt holding me when I knew he was home. I would come in between every date night that he and mom had. I guessed my green eyed jealousy monster came early. He was my best friend. Growing up we would play sports, go shopping, camping…you name it I looked up to him. Every day after work he would play catch with me, take me to my after school activities and just fully loved and supported me. I really did love him. Fast forward to when I was 13 when all that abuse happened. I know my relationship with my dad began to suffer when I got my first boyfriend. But it got even worse after my first breakup. After my procedure I came home. I layed in my mom’s arms and slept. I vaguely remember the original Point Break being on and just feeling the loving arms of my mom. Later on after my mom tucked me into bed my dad came in to my room. He sat on the foot of the bed, patted my leg and simply said “I am so proud that you were able to maintain on the honour roll”. Then he left. We never talked about what happened just like we barely talked at all after that. It was hard not to feel shame when the man you first learned to love that you thought would always love you now couldn’t even look at you. He could barely be in the same room as me. I wish I wouldve known the last time I hugged him was the last because I never would have let go. Fast forward 25 years and our relationship is still the same. I reach out to him and he shuts me down. I sent him a picture of my new family, his nsw grandson and nothing. To say my heart hurts is an understatement. I cant say its broken because it is so full with love from my family and friends. My heart is just sad. I struggle and sometimes panick knowing how precious life is. My therapist has told me that you cant pester anybody into loving you. You cant keep trying to connect with somebody who is not willing to connect back. Now in order for me to truly live a happy, fulfilled life I have to let the idea go that I am going to have a relationship with my dad. It’s now time to grieve for the loss which my therapist says can take a couple years. Although this makes my heart so heavy I know accepting this loss will help nurture my relationship with my family. Maybe one day my dad will reach out. I sent a picture of my new family wishing him a Merry Christmas and all the best in 2018. No answer from him. I cant keep sadness in my heart because I do need to focus and nurture my current relationships. Dont think just because I am happy it means I have moved on. I still cry when I hold my son in the early morning hours and see my dad in him. I am crying now because my son deserves so much love and chances are he will never meet this grandpa because it is my job to protect him. Tears symbolizes my pain leaving my body and creates more room in my heart for love. It is so nice to have somebody see something in you that even you cant. I am so thankful for my husband for seeing past my pain, loving me for who I am and for everyday showing me a love and compassion that I thought only existed in fairy tales. Seeing my husband with my son makes my heart swell with so much love and joy. He jumps when he cries, walks with him for hours so I can sleep, feeds him, changes him. I am so lucky now and it all comes from letting go thd negative energy. Yes some bad things have happened but they don’t define me. If all my cells turnover within 6 months then scientifically I am not physically the same person. I will use these experiences to be aware and to help others working through their hardships. Just because we visited some hard times doesnt mean we need to live there. xoxo

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