Sitting here rocking my son listening to Sam Smith’s “Pray” I can’t stop the tears. Today marks 4 months to the day when in so much pain I wrapped myself in ice packs and went to sleep. I went to bed that night not knowing I was dying not knowing my son had stopped growing inside me. I trusted my Dr if she told me my illness was acid reflux I needed ice to stop the pain. Sitting up with ice on my belly I prayed things would be ok. I hadn’t felt my son move in days but I was in good hands, Right? I closed my eyes for the last time, the next time they opened I would be in a full blown seizure on the bathroom floor, my baby began to kill me.
My son entered this world on October 16. He was healthy and screaming not knowing the trauma we had both endured. Sometimes I cry it is hard not to feel emotion but my tears are mainly of so much joy and love and thankfullness that we both made it through.
I spent years building up walls to protect myself from years of pain. The one emotion that I dislike is pity. I sure got alot of pity for the month that we were in ICU/NICU. As the doctors and nurses read our charts you can see the pain in their eyes. I think what alot people forget is I have zero recollection of these events. Even after I regained awareness from my seizure I dont remember the conversations I had with the paramedics, my husband or even the visitors I had at the hospital. The high levels of fentanyl, morphine and oxy’s prevented me from remembering. My memories come from others pain of losing us. My tears come just from the fear of not knowing and seeing how precious our lives are.
My therapist has always helped me see the best in me and this life I have been blessed with. I know there has been a change within me but it has only been the last few days that I realized that it was me changing it was me becoming complete. My son has made my heart full again. A feeling I didnt realize I was missing until the day he came into my life kicking and screaming and wanting nothing more than to be loved.