So I am watching Degrassi (ha ya I know it makes me feel young again plus there is alot of great life lessons that I need refreshed on lol) and it is the episode where Claire is dealing with her pregnancy and the options available to her. It’s a weird feeling holding my 6 month old thinking about the time I was pregnant at 13, writing finals, fighting my feelings and feeling so scared and alone.

Obviously it doesn’t need to be said but as a family (me and my parents) we decided to terminate. I never really thought how hard it would be on my mom (she had my sister at 15) but I can tell you at 13 I know I didn’t feel mature enough to make that decision on my own. We found out early, first missed period so I didn’t go through many symptons. What I remember most is what it felt like waiting for the procedure to happen. They give you an epideral and meds to make you sleep. I didn’t want to go to sleep. I knew when I did I would be all alone again. Not to mention the added feeling of shame. I managed to stay awake long enough for a double dose of meds before I drifted off to sleep. On the way home I remember my mom getting me a soft taco from Taco Time, a poutine from KFC and a teen burger from A and W. I was 13 and still pretty high. When we got home I curled up in her arms. I fell asleep to Point Break and slept for two days.

I didn’t really think about it too much but it did impact my life. I stopped playing sports, smoked more and drank every weekend. Not to mention I got shipped off to my sisters for the summer because my parents were ashamed of me imagine being in a house with two young babies. It was a constant reminder of what I had just done.

I refused to let it destroy my education though. I made honour roll everytime, I got bursaries and scholarships and eventually I got my University Degree. I swept it all under a rug and pretended life was going to be ok, I was going to be ok as long as I contributed to society as a hardworking adult my loss would be worth it, that piece of me that is now missing didn’t have to die for me to be a nothing.

Ignoring such a huge event didn’t help my life in the end. It was always that darkness in my shadows. I survived 7 years as a financial advisor before the darkness took over. For the next decade I worked minimum wage jobs, partied way more and kept everybody at a distance.

It was the summer of 2016 when I grew tired of my destructive ways. I began to change my outlook, the way I dealt with people and my path in life. So I guess what I am trying to say is your choices in life are yours. It’s your attitude and perceptions that shape your life. The if’s at this point don’t matter. It’s the now and the how. I wake up everyday to the life I had always longed for when I was a little girl. There will never be guarantees in life but you can choose to live happy.