One thing I am figuring out is that old age saying of you attract like energy. Not only can you attract the energy you want most in the world but you can actually sense when that energy changes. It’s like we become polar magnets. The truer I become to my authentic self the truer that belief comes. I feel like I have become hyper aware of my surroundings. At times I feel at peace when I go on about my day but other times a mild irritation tries to creep in.
My major annoyance…The more I am happy and radiate positivity and truly become the person I want my son to know me as the more some people get annoyed at me. I have worked very hard to become the wife, mother, sister and daughter that I always dreamed of being. I had alot of hardships in my past. There was violence, promiscuity, drugs, abuse, alcohol you name it I was doing it, becoming it. Big walls grew between me and my family, my relationships always failed, I was attracting users, losers and abusers and falling for it every step of the way. There was one major big problems and one reason why this was happening. I believed that was all I deserved. I convinced myself very early on that I wasn’t worthy of true happiness and it was far easier to date these guys I knew I had no future with. Selling myself short, not realizing my true potential I mimicked the steps that were expected of me but I just kept on getting worse.
When I moved to Vancouver in the banking sectore I was pretty proud of myself. I was able to support myself, had a boyfriend who was financially dependant on me, two cats (lol) all before my 22nd birthday. You see the theme, I had a boyfriend who depended on me and never worked a day in the four years we were together. Putting in some distance would help me see that. At the time I envisioned being married to him but that was mostly from an activity we did at dry grad. Where did you see yourself in 10 years…that was simple Married with 2 kids. After 4.5 years of just existing through life, me working 2 jobs 7 days a week and even one summer I worked 92 days in a row…and where was he sitting in front of the computer gaming 24/7 there was no intimacy, romance or even characterisitcs of ever wanting to change and was perfectly content in being the workforce. Let’s just say it was time. I was crushing on anybody and anything that paid attention to me. I had a severe case of low self esteem and a string of going nowhere relationships mingled in with some severe black outs. My 20’s was becoming a blur as my depression began to creep in.
Entering my thirties was no better. I still had no clue who I was, who I wanted to become or even where I could see myself now. I was working in hospitality with girls that were still in high school. I was constantly reminded of how fast my life had come apart in such a short time. It was so super depressing to reflect on where I had thought I wanted to be to where I was. Usually I liked living alone but it was pretty hard financially. Now I was working three jobs and pretty much isolated from my family. Who had the time right? Did I mention one of the perks of working in hospitality is the ability to party all night and still show up for work. My work ethic sure beat out any of these teenagers, No matter how awful I felt I had to go to work (was it a strong work ethic or out of necessity). Either way there was a ton of time to wallow in the misdirection of my life while continuing to enter into these awful relationships. There was one time I thought squatting in an empty house was cool…OMG I can not even talk about that right now because the point of this is to show you that sometimes you can have zero direction and feel totally hopeless and really all you need to do is change your attitude and how you perceive life.
Moving to Calgary (Forced out of Vancouver?) seemed like the next viable option. My ex had gone back to jail for a breach, paid his friend to rob us and even had the same friend light our apartment on fire. I needed out of this awful spin I was in. I needed to reconnect with who I wanted to be. I have the perfect chance to change the ending to my storey. The first person I reached out to when I moved to Calgary was my sister, we weren’t close over the years and I was incredibly surprised at how quick she came to my side and stayed by me. For once I had two people in my corner, my sister and her husband. I found a job within 2 days and I was feeling pretty good. I was staying with a friend, reconnecting with myself and exploring the city. Everything was fine until one night after work when I came home the “roomie” was in his boxers drunk and jumping up and down demanding sex. To summarize the next course of events, cops were called, he told them I was being difficult and not consenting to sex and he wanted me out. Well that’s fine buddy, I am not that desperate for a place to stay. I have people who believe in me (my true north) and I wasn’t going to dissapoint. Off me and my sister went into the night. I asked her for her advice and I follwed it to a T. I never talked to that friend again, I blocked him from being able to talk to me. It was easy to do considering he drank my $250 bottle of remy, thought my grandmas ashes were coke and traded my snowboard, mountain bike and old bills and traded it for meth. What luck right!!
Over the next two years I kept pretty much to myself, worked hard, had a bachelor pad and really dug into who I wanted to be. It was in the wee early morning hours at work (I opened a gym in downtown Calgary). That I discovered Pin-up. Well before that I had wandered into a little vintage store and bought my first ever 1950’s party dress!! To this day I have never worn it. I have had it for 3 years, back then I was about 5 pounds away from it fitting perectly. Now after my son I am still about 20 pounds away so maybe Viva (fingers crossed). I researched how to be a perfect pinup for hours every morning before the gym picked up. Obsessed with learning everything I bought books, DVDs…anything I could get my hands on. I even entered a pinup contest World of Wheels. That was a super great experience. I met some lovely ladies and became absolutely hooked. I spent the summer going to car shows, building my confidence, researching how to be a perfectly poised pinup and for the first time really enjoying my life. I started to volunteer and really felt like I was making a difference.
I was still dating (online mostly) and met up with my share of toads. My life was heading in this great direction and I thought maybe I can find my life partner. I was still being lied to and mislead by most men. The difference now was I had confidence, I was discovering who I wanted to be and I knew that those characteristics was not what I wanted. I needed to change and start radiating the type of men I wanted in my life. My self worth was increasing and I knew I was valuable, I gave back to my family, my community and my life so I deserved more. I deserved a man who would love me for me and help me become who I always dreamed I could be.
Enter my hubby ❤ When I first met him I was really content with my life. I was in school, working in my field and volunteering alot of my free time. I was worthy of a gentleman. My husband is the most polite, respectful and old school man that I have ever met. He waited a few weeks for our first kiss, he never pressured me into anything. He has and always will let me initiate the intimacy. This has led to a dry spot in our marriage. After my seizure my life was just up in the air. I still radiated positivity but was growing distant to my husband but that was because I was growing distant to my true self. I didn't get the same rush of passion volunteering that I did before my son was born. Even returning back to the job I loved, I loved it but hated being away from my family. Tensions were becoming high again. Over that course we had 3 deaths affect my family. I felt that depression sinking in. I needed to change my outlook, my attitude, my life. Its ago to evolve into a better version of yourself as long as nobody gets hurt in the process.
After buying our house my husband agreed to let me foster animals. My heart began to fill. Our first foster was a leg amputee (which we ended up keeping) and a couple puppies. I am so lucky to have my husband support me in this way. I love giving up my time to help these animals who most have given up on. To take something so selfless and help build up their self esteem there is no better feeling. So far to from October we have helped 16 animals. This is an incredibly happy place for me because I remember at 10 wanting to help animals and become a vet but my dad told me all the reasons why I shouldn't. That changed my life course drastically for many years until I found a way back. These days I am helping out with the major medicals, the seniors and Pregnant mom's. Through my many years I learned that I am an incredible empath but I also can manage on with my day even with a broken heart.
The next stop on my self discovery was the evolution of Miss Ruby. I have always loved the flame red hair as I always smiled when I saw the bright color, so I needed something more subdued. One of my friends helped me with my transition to a blue/grey. I wanted my appearance to acknowledge the journey it took to get here grey for the course of time and blue for the people who left and left a whole in my heart.
The last stop on my journey of self discovery was my job. You see my family should never have to be compromised in order for me to keep my career. I never needed to work I just loved to work (and I was good at it). Right before Christmas I was told to "Find a babysitter" so I could work all day boxing day. Are you insane? I am a new mom and you want me to work 1030-7 when I told you no week days because my husband is at work. For a company who always preached work life balance I was just basically told that my family and my balance was not important. So I quit. Of course I talked to my husband and we both agreed that the best thing to do was for me to focus on my son, my house and my marriage. I had always tried to keep my foot out the door on my relationship meaning I had an escape route. That really was the reason why I had continued to work. I decided to have blind faith in my role as full time wife and mother and do the best job that I could. My husband bought me an industrial strength kitchenaide and I can't wait to use it more! I need WAY more baking stuff.
So that’s me and my self discovery journey. I feel like I am on the right path. Only time will tell but what I do know is I would rather strive for happiness then to continue to live in pain. Have faith in yourself and believe that you too are worthy of all this. At 38 I was really losing all hope. But here I am at almost 40 with the husband, baby, and the white picket fence (well its brown but I can paint it). Living the dream and loving life. You can too!!