This will most definetly be the hardest post I think I have written to date. It’s hard because I have to acknowledge a problem that I have been hiding from the world. It is more embarassment because of what people will think but it also crushes my soul because I am so at a loss. Lately it feels like my heart is always broken. I get up with a smile and start my day, I am always excited about life and the potential each day brings. The problem is when I start my day it is when my hubby is at work. I am free from fighting and can just enjoy cleaning, taking care of my son and the animals and just be carefree. Mixed into everyday though is the dissappointment and frustration that bubbles over every time my husband is around. He has this natural way of always letting me down. I am so embarassed to say it out loud but I just can’t keep it in anymore. The beauty is not alot of people read this so not alot of people will find out so I am safe to write my feelings down because I need to find some sort of balance.
He has let me down in every way, he has never been physical or emotionally abusive but when he’s around I feel like a fail as a human. Nothing I ever do seems to be right, I don’t fold his laundry right, the house isn’t cleaned up to his standards I could go on and on about everything I do wrong in a day but what is the point of rehashing negative energy.
Part of being in balance is to start cutting off the negative people in your life but how do I do that when my source is my husband. I was hesitant to quit my job because that gives me no financial legs to stand on. I am so scared, frustrated and oh so alone. I am happy with the personal progress I have been making so far but in order for me to truly soar I need to solve this problem. The last thing I ever want to do is give up on my marriage, it is an all too common thing to do. Every night I try so hard to connect with him. It seems his priorities are smoking, you-tube, and sleeping. Last night when I got home from my committee meeting I went to lay with my hubby and my son. I reached for my husband’s hand because I long for just a little bit of affection. He recoiled, asked if I had a band aide on (my skin is so dry from the weather) and quickly said that now that I was home he could finally go for a cigarette. I wasn’t coming to bed so he could smoke, I was coming to bed to be close to him. Sleeping is one of my favourite things to do these days. In my dreams my husband likes me, he’s proud of me and even kisses and touches me. We haven’t been intimate in almost 2 years. Even now I am crying I don’t have any friends to talk to. I am scared of making the wrong choice. I don’t want to take my son away from his father and vice versa. We tried counselling (well he came with me when I was doing my sessions after my son was born my counsellor recommended it) he basically believes that he doesn’t need any help that it’s all on me. I guess now I just need my heart to know and the Universe to know that I have tried so hard to not bail on him. I even thought maybe we could sleep in seperate rooms for awhile because there really is no point in sleeping together anymore. It’s just a constant reminder of what I wish I had. For now this seems to be the missing piece in my life. How do I achieve balance when every piece of me feels broken?