Character

Yesterday when I wrote broken it was out of desperation of needing clarity. Somehow I believed that maybe my husband while trolling through facebook during his one of many cigarette breaks would be curious to see what his wife had wrote. I was hoping that he would see the title and reach out, to comfort me. It was the oddest but one of the greatest feelings when people I didn’t know reached out to me. All the responses that I got was full of the outmost support and love and most saw that there was a hard choice to be made that would take some time.
My husband is a very good provider and a hard worker, I think the only day he missed work was when we were rushed to the hospital. Like any relationship there will always be ways to improve, ways to build your character and hopefully a way to build on a future together. Overall we are great friends and friends have fights but I am trying to decide if me wanting intimacy from my partner may be a far fetched idea. He has his own demons to battle which it is not my place to divulge I can only speak from what’s inside me and how it affects me.
For as long as I can remember I have been an incredibly affectionate woman. I am a hugger so if you let me into your bubble be prepared to be smushed!! I think that’s why I love helping animals. Animals that come from abandonment and less than savoury conditions just look at you with so much love (once they get over their fear). I have tons of animals to cuddles and smush and even my son when he lets me. To have zero intimacy in so long from my partner, I am not too sure how to think about it. I know it’s normal in some marriages to lose the lust side but I have tried sexy photos, sex cheques (amazon is great isn’t it lol) I even suggested we subscribe to a date box so we can reconnect. I am always asking for stuff to do at home as I know he’s tired from after work. Some days I do feel more like a maid than a wife but I take alot of pride in keeping my house tidy and all my animals and son fed. They don’t need to be a part of it. Even though I know he will never eat the food I cook for him no matter what it is I still cook. My son may only eat a tablespoon or 2 but he is my world and he deserves a mom who will cook healthy foods for him. My freezer is getting full from leftovers but so is my son’s belly.
After alot of meditation and some what clarity I know that I need to focus on what is important in my life and my personal growth. I may not be able to be the full person I was born to be in his presence but like a caterpillar I will work myself into a cocoon working on myself until once again I am ready to soar as a butterfly high above all this stuff that in the end won’t really matter anymore.
For now I will focus on my character, on being a mom and of course my non-profit The Prairie Passion for Pets Foundation and all my furbabies that rely on me to be their safe place.
Even this morning at 5 am my husband decided it would be fun to slam all the cupboards, doors turn on the lights and repeatedly asky me what I did with his glasses case. Rising out of bed I began to help him and tried to not let him get a reaction out of me. I told him that I had not touched his glasses and that they would be wherever he left them. He was getting more frustrated and said he was going to be late for work because of me. I knew without a doubt that I had no idea nor did I ever touch him. Once again I told him 1000% I never touched them. I went upstairs to check on my son because of course he had been awoken by the noise. I mean everybody was up. Me, my son, the dog….all before 6am this is going to be a very long long day.
Yesterday I shed alot of tears (I may have even watched the Notebook) but that’s all they were tears. It takes alot for me to ugly cry I usually just cry enough to cleanse my soul. Still I knew that there was laundry to do, bread to be baked and of course animals and Schmoo to be loved. Just because my spirit was feeling sad I wasn’t going to let it destroy everything that I am working towards. I remember being in my twenties and when things like this would happen my world would stop. I wouldn’t go to work, I wouldn’t get out of bed I would cry, drink and maybe send out a 1000 texts both angry, desperate loving….you know that whole crazy physchotic ex stuff. I am not that woman anymore, I do feel like I have finally grown up. I guess that is why I am taking my time to see exactly what is going on with him. I loved the suggestion of him getting away for the weekend, away from us and all the chaos. Not as punishment but so he can get some clarity, so he can relax and rest and take a break from the roller coaster ride that has always been our relationship. The whole time throughout it all when me and Schmoo where hospitalized, his dad went in for surgery, our car was stolen, the guy living in the shed in our backyard, Herbert dying one of his best friends dying, and then when the dr’s thought he was losing his sight he never took a minute to process all of it. He was always the provider and on the go go go. I know being married to me isn’t easy. When he has done a full day of work it seems like a have a million things on the go. Fundraising, accepting donations, buying things on facebook marketplace, planning crazy adventures all over the West Coast. I guess when it is said out loud I look kind of selfish.
I definetly need more time to process all of what’s going on. I love all the feedback and support.
For now I will keep working on building my character. To not engage when he is frustrated because that just leads to a fight and maybe in time we can figure this out some how together, when he is ready. I do believe that marriage is forever and they do take some work and that behind every man is an even stronger woman so as long as me and my son continue to thrive I will have to hold onto some hope that maybe just maybe in time it will get better. I wish I could share his side of the storey because maybe it will all make sense. For now I will have to be content on sharing my side and my journey on building my character.
amy

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8 Comments

    1. Sweet Ruby Bluez

      Its such a weird grey area. One day I hope to divulge more on his side as I think it will answer some of the questions. We had such a great night the other day but…maybe that will be tomorrows post. The Ups and Downs of loving a working man lol

      Like

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