Ramblings of a tortured mine

My goal these days is to write down my feelings and thoughts like it was a journal. I post it publicly to hold me accountable. Thinking carefully about what I write in the sense we all fear to be judged. By others, the outside world, the inside world but we forget who’s opinion matters the most…OURS. If at the end of the day you have peace in your heart and maybe somewhere along the way you have touched somebody else’s path in a positive way what more could we possibly want.
Money, makeup, beauty, friendship…like seasons they all change. Like everything in nature there is only one thing that matters. Our sense of self and how we leave the world.
I usually start thinking about what it is I want to write about as soon as I post my latest one. My life continued on through the day like it always does. I got to teach, play and interact with my son, I fought with my husband like normal (I know something needs to change, right now and its for my son so I know how important that is), visited with family and of course cleaned and hung out with all my pets. I also planted the seed for many great ideas. My day was normal just like any other. It was until I fully awoke today that I saw just how fast one’s world could completely turn upside down.
Trying to reach out to a friend to comfort her I realized there was nothing I could do or say that could make this time in her life any better. My heart broke as I tried to figure out what to say. Our last conversation was when she reached out to me to offer me comfort after struggling with my husband. I was really starting to hate that word time. It doesn’t move any other direction than forward. We can’t go back, we can’t stop it we just always have to find a way to accept it.
Now I am going on three days of trying to write through the same blog. My mind, body and spirit have just taken a hit. It’s amazing how much energy you consume from your surroundings. The idea of such a tragedy hitting my home town and affecting everybody in my community just weighs heavy in my heart. Trying to imagine as a mother…just completely wore me down. The essence of all that we do is just a mere imprint on the grander scheme of things. We all have a purpose to serve in this lifetime and it seems once we have done that we get to move on. At times our purpose is very clear but at other times there is a ton of hurdles and obstacles and just this impossibile feeling of getting through the day.
I have taken great peace in knowing that as beings we all get to share our lives together. We are born in the same moment of time to grow and discover ourselves. It’s incredulous to think that some people impose their journey in life onto others. Maybe if we just focus on within our selves than gradually begin to radiate to those closer to us, maybe the world doesn’t need to feel scarey. We are always in constant competition with ourselves. Using wealth, power, beauty to get ahead. I never could understand why anybody in a position to help out in the simplest of ways just turns their head. It’s not like it’s just a stray dog problem that I see, it’s the bigger picture. I see children laughing at elderly, elderly scoffing at children, I see grown adults honking, cutting each other off, flipping the finger. All around you there are these level of disrespect that somehow, somewhere they became better than each other.
After watching One Strange Rock it is easier to see that we are all just started from a single cell in the vast Universe. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is tied back to that one cell, in the ocean, in a cave. No cell shines brighter than the other all are nurtured and thrive in the same way. How can we not stop and take a look that the journey needs to be lived together. We need to embrace each others uniqueness, we have to absorb the greatness that brings us together. To be able to communicate, love, show compassion. The greatest assets that we all need are those that we can’t see. If we were to focus on these than maybe the essence that makes us all unique never dies. If we accept each other for all of our differences than none of us ever die we just thrive. Pain is always better dealt with when it is dispersed so why should anybody no matter their choice in life feel the need to cower and hide. I think if we could just find a way to live a life full of meaning while flying under the radar then maybe there wouldn’t be so much pain and suffering. The only competition we have is with the demon that is within ourselves. The one that tells us we aren’t good enough and that are dreams aren’t real. If you can find a way to numb the white noise than life becomes alot easier. We can see people for who they really are instead of the face they put forward to the world. It is ok to show weakness, to not always have the right answers, its ok to take time to yourself and cry. After you have done all your self cleansing than you are more capable of changing the world. If nothing else maybe it will change the imprint you leave in the world. In these times of desperation I hope we can all come together to provide strenght in times of weakness and love instead of hate.

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