When everything is truly all said and done I do know that I am really blessed. It is still hard to accept this wonderful life that I had spent forever wishing for. You do truly become your own worst enemy at times and its only for those times leading up that you established a connection with yourself. Wells built up on the inside are sometimes the hardest to bring down. Those walls were built at a time when I was still discovering myself. At the time it was a necessity to survive. Now the opposite is true. The walls that I have built to protect myself are now still there when I am entering a period of my life when I am truly blessed. I am establishing the most amazing connections with my family, my community and my peers. I still have this fear that my husband is going to hurt me. The biggest fear is not learning from my mistakes and usually by now is when I turn and run from any relationship. Maybe it is time that I look at the part I play in my role as wife.
Maybe my insecurities are preventing me from truly being close and intimate with my husband. I must find a way to connect with him on a deeper level. Not so much out of necessity but curiosity. If I truly have found the man that I am ment to spend the rest of my life with maybe it’s time to lower the wall. I am quick to be irritated, angered and to shut myself off. Both of our roles are equally important in our family. My major irriatiion when he starts any sentence with, “It’s my only day off….” Uhmmmm ok so that makes you want to not spend time with your son? I just find it so rude because being with family shouldn’t feel like a job that you have to show up for. You should want to show up for it because there is nowhere you want to be.
Another reason why I feel truly blessed is I am slowly planting the seeds for who I want my Non Profit to be. I consider Sweet Ruby Bluez to be my business entity. I am so excited for the opportunity and drive to want to keep doing this. Where most people were out on their Friday night I was in the kitchen creating 3 Different types of Peanut Butter Cookie. I am still holding on to my tired and true recipe because it makes the most delicious chewiest cookies. I really want to be known for these cookies. Being in the kitchen creating, baking, bagging, tagging I was definetly in my zen. What a crazy world we live in where I get to play dressup, bake, raise my son full time and care for the most amazing bunch of animals. They are always willing and waiting for a snuggle. There is no ill feeling towards the care of these furbabies (now feather). The difference we make in their lives is felt in every piece of my day. I hope each and every one of them lives their most incredible lives for the next 10 to 20 years. I read that a cat’s purr is between 25-150 mega hertz ( I think that’s the right unit of measurement) that the exact range that promotes healing. That is why a cat can sing no matter if they are hurt, sad, angry, happy. Isn’t it an incredible thought to think that when they sit and sing on us they are promoting healing? Maybe that’s why they always seem to head over when you need cheering up. They are all litle Florence Nightengales come to heal.
Looking down on my life it may seem like its purrfect ( sorry I had to lol) and at times it truly is. I do feel selfish whining and complaining about my relationships but I feel that in time they are going to be right where they need to be. The few gal pals I have I keep close to my heart. You can never have to many gal pals to share secrets with our to laugh until your sides hurt. Like anything fur, feather or skin it takes somebody real special to see past the chaos that is my life. To the outside world it is Chaos to me it is just home. For every outcome that has occurred over this past year I really owe it to the people that were there some peace. I know what it will take to truly get back on track but that feeling of being so bare and so vulnerable it literally feels like I am on a top of a cliff. I can curl my toes over the edge that is how close I am. I can hear the gulls as they swoop and sway, the sun beats down on my skin and I like the light coat of seasalt off my lips. Walking off this cliff will change the course of my life with every outcome being different. I could land and break my back severing my life in every way that I have known it. I could just walk off this cliff and absorb the rush of air around me. I could let every bead of oxygen penetrate deep down into my core. Pushing out every last piece of negativity as the rush of H20 bathes my soul and push deep into the abyss leaving my secrets and past in the darkness. Beginning to reach for the light above me I can feel the cold energy that is left grasping to take hold of me. As I surface I can feel the sun once again beat down on me. It’s hard to say what the outcome will be. I am not sure when I will feel confident to step off. With every shimmer of excitement I feel nervous apprehension. I can’t wait to share this journey with you.