40 year old virgin?

Alright! So it seems like I have an even bigger mountain to climb than I had expected. Silly me for thinking that after two years of intimacy that it could be so easily changed. I kind of went with the age old clause that he was a man and most men need some level of intimacy. Most say that women do too. For the sake of my body and the ever surge of hormones (my body has been one wild ride since I met my husband) I took out my IUD. I never had a clue just how much that lil wand changed my personality. Within a few days I felt my libido grow back, and I mean in a big way. I am sure every women would agree with me on my decision to remove it. I haven’t been sexually active since the birth of my son so why put my body through that.
So now the past few days I have been eyeing up my husband like a piece of meat. I know he’s been workig a ton but I just have the super crazy lust working in overtime here. I even initiated a conversation regarding our lack of sex life and how I thought we should just do it to get that weird feeling over with because it has been so long. Super ackward right explaining all that. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked but his reaction was to shut me down and accuse me of wanting another baby. I haven’t decided on that either way but that is not why I am suddenly craving his attention. My libido just started turning again and I kind of want to honour that before it slips away again lol. I spent the next few days telling him that he could wear condoms or whatever it would take for us to just try and feel close.
Ha what a world we live in. I met my hubby on tinder of all places and app known for it’s hookups and here I am married off with a child. That was the exact ending I wanted and have been dreaming of for some time. Now back to my lusting. How does one reignite the flame that may or may not have been there before we conceived our child. It’s the craziest feeling trying to connect with somebody in this way after committing your lives to each other but it somehow seems to work. Sex has never been a focal part of our relationship…clearly it hasn’t been a big part of all.
Yesterday when we were off running errands he was talking and I just stared at him blankly and smiled. He asked me what was up and I told him that you know how you always accuse me of not listening to you…well I am not since I took out my IUD I have just been thinking of sex non stop. What an absolute guy way of thinking lol. He stopped talking right away, of course. I just told him that I could care less about having more babies that I just really wanted to connect with him. Being married meant experiencing all things together and that is something we are lacking. I am the 40 year old reborn a virgin girl. Not even on our wedding night. Isn’t that insane? We don’t even drink so it’s not like we were black out drunk. To be truly honest we got home before 9pm I broke out in these crazy hives and my hubby spent a few hours driving to drugstores looking for antihistamines and creams. Not knowing what to grab he brought a selection. I am at such a loss with knowing what to do here. Its like every teen girls fantasy situation. Maybe I can recreate that special moment with my husband where we both finally get laid.
I go from moments of wanting it to be special to just wanting it to be. Anybody I talk to about this just stares at me like I am insane. I never claimied that we had a traditional relationsihp. I knew ours was pretty unique. I never had any insecurities on where I stood with him or with our family. The physical aspect of our relationship has always been something that has been lacking. Everything else both living and non has always been more important. It is a wonder why or how we are both still standing here together. It has been a truly unique experience to truly be free to grow and explore who we are as people and who we want to be as a family. At times it feels broke but it just seems that this is nature’s way of keeping us together. The frequency of our relationship feels like it is changing. I do find that some of the things that annoy me are just my lack of understanding on what he is passionate about. I really don’t know much about skyskrapers (lol inside joke with my little sister) or how they are built. I guess instead of feeling annoyed I should feel flattered that he wants to share his day with me. This is all knew for me to. I can so the differences between every relationship before leading up to this one. It is a very erie feeling. I find alot of the time I feel like I am in a reverse DeJaVu. It also becomes something very hard to embrace. You see so much heartbreak and heartache around you that is also becomes tough to embrace. There’s the fear of embracing it and losing it and the fear of embracing it and having it end. No wonder nobody has ever found out the meaning of life. Perhaps the meaning of life is different to each on of us. Depending on how we define it, it will determine on how it will dictate us and influence our decisions. I feel like I am so close. Instead of a whole fistful of fear I am just holding on with my pinky. I am almost ready to embrace all that is my life. Just take a deep breath…1…2…3. Exhale. Step forward and embrace the day! Today I will live with no inhibition and fear. Let’s see how this day rewards me.

photo of pathway surrounded by fir trees
Photo by James Wheeler on Pexels.com

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