As my boys slept I happened apon this movie on Netflix, “Life Itself”. I have never heard of it and such is life when you rely on Netflix I thought I had seen or knew of what was on their playlist.
The movie is a narrative that tells the storey from each individuals perspective and how their lives are intertwined. How one can experience hardship and still find the will to try and find the silver lining. It really made me think to how precious life is and how we should really look at it more as a gift. Everything we do seems to gravitate us away from each other and each other’s company. Curled up beside my son, husband and furbabies I just had to cry. I know there will be a day when the family dynamic as we know it changes. Unless by an incredible force of nature or the evils in the World. One of us is always destined to walk the world without each other. The pain in my heart of this realization makes all the pettiness in the world dissappear. If we all knew what tomorrow had in store we would all live our lives differently. I remember asking my Mother in Law if today was all that you had what would you do differently?
The realization that tomorrow is not guaranteed and our storey truly ends when there is noone left to tell it leaves a sharp pain in my heart.
To be able to live each day with the purest and truest intention is something very hard to do. We can’t live like there is no tomorrow because there would be complete anarchy around us. Kindof seems maybe we are already there. To think of the thousands of years that man has existed and we still haven’t managed to figure out the key to longevity is true happiness and peace.
So in tradition style I went for a walk with my son and doggo. It was a beautiful sunny day. My phone rang at the same time the doggo decided to poop. I picked up the call because I noticed it was my Dr’s. Trying not to lose site of the poop I grab the piece of paper out of my buggy (no bags…of course). My stroller decides to roll just as I am picking up poop to hear the words nobody wants to hear, “Your results are in the Dr wants you to come in and discuss.” How sh*tty!! Literally and figuratively. This was the second round of tests because the first time my proteins were too high. This was too show that my proteins were declining. This was the result that sent me to a high risk Dr to begin with. Proteins in the urine is a sign that kidneys are failing but also a sign that you have onset pre-eclampsia. Being that I am not pregnant that only leaves one thing. My Dr already indicated what a positive test would mean. Now I know it’s time for a second opinion. First off if I am going to need more testing and follow ups it is probably better to have a family Dr here in town. There is always the positives. Hopefully we caught it soon enough. I am pretty scared as I have always been one to race to the extreme negative. Looks like what happened to me during pregnancy was maybe a pre-existing condition that we are just finding out now. It also mean that any hope of having a second baby is probably more than likely gone.
Right now in this moment all I can do is shake my head. It really doesn’t matter what we hope to achieve in this life because one second is all it takes to change the course of it. For me I have alot of peace in what I have been trying to do since my son was born. It hasn’t always been the easiest of times but I had an appreciation for every day just the same. I learned how to cope with hardships that would drop me to my knees. I got to get to know that little girl that I abandoned almost 2 decades ago. More to all that I got a chance to experience who she would have been. No matter the outcome of what it is I saw a side of myself that I am really proud of. I spent alot of time alone reconnecting with myself because not alot of people cared to see the real me. My days all swirl into one giant day of my son, furbabies, baking and love. I did everything I had promised myself I would do if given another chance. The only one thing that I wish I could so desperately change is the way I connect with my husband. In the movie, “Life Itself,” they talk about their greatest loves. I cried because I so deeply wish I could share an embrace with my husband. I am surrounded by all these animals and yet I feel so alone.
In the presence of time there is never enough, with it’s absence we become obsolete. My biggest fear was having to live without somebody in my family. That is a pain that is impossible to endure. Now my biggest fear is losing them all at once. I am pretty terrified of what I might hear tomorrow. I think…for right now I must take the rest of this time off. My appt is at 2:40PM tomorrow so I am going to stay offline until then. I need some time to think and to proces. To look deeply into this journey I am on to make sure there is nothing that is left behind.