I have a very strong reason for why I live my life with such intense passion. I need to believe that even though some terrible things happen in this world we are all capable of shaping the course of our destiny. The power is really in there and it is up to us to believe.
Some of my Dr’s think that I suffer from PTSD. Maybe it is really hard to say. It is hard to determine how one should feel with all things considered. It wasn’t until the Fall when I heard about this walk that was organzied by this mother who’s 28 year old daughter passed away just a week before all my complications.
The feeling inside me that my life needed to mean something was very overwhelming. It was hard not to feel that her tragic ending was able to save my happy beginning. Even now a year and a half later it is hard not to feel overwhelmed with grief. With deep cleansing breaths I know I at least have to try. I can make a difference I will find a way. And don’t forget about my life credo “Be the person I was born to be before the World took away my smile.” It was time to dream my biggest dreams and live the happiest most fulfilled life. I had to let go of the chains that bound me and recreate the person I was it was time to morphe into a woman. I was ready for adulthood and even more so motherhood so here are some things that you could change without having to go such an extreme as a near death experience:
1. Get rid of all the negative (this includes family). I had to take a real good clease to those that were in my inner core. It is not like I was completely guarded but I would have to say that I was very selective with those that I let know my deepest darkest secrets. I also had to put a stop to any negative self talk that I dished out to myself and to others. You know that being catty but not really catty catty. That stuff was way long gone. The people that I may of hurt in any way I reached out and made ammends to. There was no sense carrying the weight of the past into the person that I wanted to be.
2. Start being humble. I really started to appreciate the things and experiences that were occuring around me. I never tried to want for too much and was always willing to help out a person or organization in need. It didn’t matter what I was wearing when I was out if somebody was in need I would always be there. I started my Non Profit based on the sole purpose of helping shelters in need. Me and my husband are able to live comfortably. Instead of overextending our needs (and me having a desire to stay busy) I decided to get out into the community and raise funds for low income shelters. I discovered an absolute LOVE for fundraising!
3. Embrace all the moments. There isn’t a time in my day that I am not trying to slow down the minutes on the clock. I am so lucky that all my time gets to be spent with my boy and all of our animals. There is no feeling in the world than walking from room to room and to be greeted with so much love. My days are very fulfilling. From having a morning coffee with my Schmoo watching cartoons to talking to my Auntie. I take value in each and every moment and I am thankful for each one.
4. Love yourself every inch, every wrinkle. For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be pretty. I wanted to have somebody to love me and tell me that I am beautiful, you know somebody to make me feel whole. I wish I realized alot sooner that the person that I should have been falling in love with was myself. I was constantly trying to make others happy and be a certain way. I find now that I am finally accepting of all my curves and wrinkles and even the grey hairs (my greylights 🙂 ) I finally feel truly happy. I remember wanting to lose weight to impress the guys and now the only reason why I want to is to fit into these vintage dresses I bought 3 years ago. As far as diet and exercise goes I am jsut going to slow down and take it all in. Go for walks, both long and short, mediate, eat healthy…I am just going to see how it all goes.
5. Don’t be afraid to try new hobbies. This year I am taking on 3 new hobbies for myself. Well one isn’t really a hobby but I am getting to know how to take care of budgies. I took 5 budgies into our home so I need to learn all that I can from them. I also started to read regularly every night as well. I am reading literature that dates back to the 1800’s and it is extremely fascinating to consider how the World and people existed back then. The World was so much different. Trasnportation, dating, living, government etc. Learning is one of my most favourite past terms. I love learning about different cultures, women in power and of course my animals. Reading books about animals helps me to understand them which I think is vitally important when it comes to communicating. Also the violin. I am so excited for my violin lesson tomorrow. It’s been a whole week and I have practiced a wee bit. I must make sure to practice a little bit tomorrow so the movement is relatively fresh in mind. It is very exciting to be learning something new. I had this thought on my way home from the dentist how important it is to keep stimulating your mind as we age. Taking a passionate interest in my life to explore the paths unknown has rivatlized me and the way I feel. I jump out of bed every morning with focus and determination. The favourite part of each and every day is how I am going to creatively fill up the day next. On our list is swimming lessons and Kayben farms but obviously not before our big trip to Pocohontas Cabins.
6. Wear whatever you want at all times! When it comes to being you don’t be afraid to flaunt it. I think about each and everyday and did I live it the way I would want to if I only had one more to live. I love being extra and co-ordinating as much as possible. To me an outfit is meant to be worn and enjoyed and not tucked away in some closet. I wear dresses to wear dresses and would wear more if I had some…I have a whole wardrobe of mediums that I am just itching to wear but the lbs are just sticking on like no tomorrow. I know I should restrict what I eat but I will work on that 😉
7. Reconnect with family. There is no time like the present to reach out that olive branch. You should especially reach out if there was no reason for the seperation to begin with anyways. I regret not reaching out to my Aunts and Uncles sooner. I love my family all very much. We only have one so we should always keep trying. I know that I am worth it to them so they will always be worth it to me!
There are always those things that we wish that we could do more of (like travel). I think me and my husband have both accepted the fact that for us life is pretty stationary for the time being. Knowing that we will not be taking any extended trips we have opened up our doors and hearts to alot of misfits of animals. Our house is full with alot of unconditionally love. When you think of it, the sad reality is in about 20 years everybody will be moving on out of the house. Our son will be looking at college or a trade or to just spread his wings and out cats if we are lucky all live to be about 20 plus. Our feel good vacation is the one that we get to take at home. The one that allows us all to enjoy our time together. There was a time when we weren’t sure if we were going to get that chance to spend another day together. Looking back at the pictures I can see just how scarey of a situation we were in. I was lucky. That is all I can really ask for. I am so lucky to have my family and all of this love and some of the greatest friends that I should take every moment to cherish them. Giving back to those that do not have a voice, it only makes sense. We should never ask for more than we need when some have nothing. I hope one day the world starts to change a little. Humanity needs to stop turning its back on what makes us human. I long for the days when face to face interactions are hip again, when the malt shops stay open 24 hrs to loud juke box playing, and to drag races late at night. I changed my life to have a meaning, a meaning that only I can truly understand. I am so close to living my happy ending that I am always going to make every second count.