7 signs your marraige may be over for good.

Our 2 year anniversary was yesterday so taking a few days off we drove out to Jasper, Alberta. Never being out this way I thought it would be a fun experience to just get away. Nothing about us has every been easy so I have been forced to not only take a look at myself but to take a look at each other. The more I indulge into the life that I feel destined to be in the further away I seem to get from my husband. Its hard to decide when to pull the plug.
Always wanting to do right by my son and family I came across this website: https://www.getting-unmarried.com/7-signs-marriage-may-good/ In it it suggests 7 signs that your marriage just might be over for good. Most of you know how rocky it has been for us. I tell myself that it’s supposed to be this way. Baby stress, getting to know each other stress, money, instant family etc. I try, or at least I think I am trying to see what the best course of action should be. I want to make that I am making a very well educated and weighted decision. There is no physical violence by any means and there is no verbal abuse to be worried about. What is a concern is the heat behind the language and the energy and emotion that one feels when we are arguing. I can see how it is having an impact on Slade. I can’t tell how much of an impact it will have but I am trying to make a conscience effort to fix it. I know he is a sponge.
1. Even when you are together you are alone. This I feel alot. It seems to be a two way street though. Technology is one of the killers for sure. It is so annoying to me when he would rather watch you-tube video or talk and text on his phone. Especially when its work stuff. I didn’t bother him at work so I thought that maybe I should get the same respect you know. It honestly feels at times that he just has no desire to get to know me. I know I am working on myself and maybe that is too much? Everything I do I try to keep it in balance at home. I wait around all day just to see him and it seems like he could care less if we talk or not. He gets irritated when he’s busy on his phone and it just now seems like it is constantly coming from a place of rejection.
2. Complete communication breakdown. Doesn’t seem like we have the first clue of how to communicate. I know I am always short but it seems like I always have to repeat myself. If you watched the guy type on his phone then get irritated at you because I never told him. I have missed appointments and important dates because of this. It really is a HUGE upward battle. The complete breakdown just seems to be more a complete disrespect.
3. Needs and Desires go unmet: I always seem to need (or want) something alot. With this desire to embrace my past and my makeup I have gravitated towards objects and feeling that these objects bring out. Desires can fall intto several categories. My Non Profit and helping out with the animal charities is really good. So my desire to make a difference in that way is being met. What I long for and desire most is human interaction. I mean human compassion, touch, feeling etc. I miss the rush that one would get when lock in an embrace with somebody who just sends electricity through them. That one desire seems to be overflowing into my day to day. Every dream is consumed with Romance and Fantasy (could it be the era of books I have chosen to indulge in). I dream of a day when my husband looks at me like I am the only woman for him. I have waited 2 years….I wonder what the time period for something like this should be?
4. You have lost all respect. This is one thing that is just not true. If anything I have a lot of respect for him. He is a very hard worker and rarely misses a day of work. He is very skilled in his field and has alot of respect amongst his colleagues as well. He works even when he is sick because he knows his family depends on him. You can always have faith in knowing that the bills will be paid and our bellies are kept fed. It is rare to find somebody that doesn’t respect him for the hard work that he does.
5. Everything is a knock down drag or a fight. Most things are a fight. There is never any physical violence (ok if we are being honest maybe just me shoving him out of pure frustration).
6. You can’t remember the last time you had sex. I can remember it was the time that our son was conceived and it was right before our trip to NYC at like 1 am.
7. Change is a four letter word. At least this point is something that we can agree on.
I have been doing a ton of searching for the right answer on what to do. Marriage is serious. It is supposed to be a partnership, a friendship, all that great stuff that makes finding a life partner great. We didn’t have alot of time to evolve our relationship and their is still alot of the unknown. I have been trying to ask more questions and get to know him better. I also tell him I have a need for us to have more physcial contact. It’s weird. I don’t want to force my husband to touch me. There are moments where I do feel lust in my heart fo him but it seems from this time without I have control over that emotion. If having control over that emotion that would lead me to not have control over my anger. When I try to dig deeper I think I can see the fissure in time that changed that all for me. At 13 when I was abused by my first boyfriend he stopped my brain from developing my mind in a healthy way. Violence, anger and disgust were very common themes throughout the 1.5 years that this relationship lasted. It very well stunted who I was and who I was able to be. When I developed my Life Credo: Be the person you were born to be before the world took away your smile. This was that moment.
The day any girl transforms into a woman should be a time of metamorphisizing. It shouldn’t be filled with shame and disgust. I tried my hardest to hide it from everybody. That should not be how a woman is ready to step out into the world. I have done alot work recognizing that moment and that journey and try to reconnect with her. Now it seems that I may have reverted back to that 13 year old little girl. Me and my husband are so far apart on this courtship it really feels like something straight out of one of my novels from the 1800s. Am I showing too much ankle or something?
What I got from the 7 signs is that yes my marriage is in trouble. But to me it is still not in serious trouble like some of them. The desire to cheat has never crossed either one of our minds. I know how can you know for sure. You just do. I should be happy that my hubby works so hard to provide for us and doesn’t stay for hours on video games or drinking beers. I do believe at times he loves me and supports me and wants me to realize my true potential. I want to believe him. When does this little girl stop doubting everything in her life and just let it be free. To fully embrace all that is to be you must set it all free.
Through all the ups and downs we have found a way to stay together. I want to say it works but it is very disfuctional at best. There is still love there as I can’t imagine anybody else on this crazy ride with. I just wish there was more of that love stuff between us. I am long overdue for some of that sickenly sweet love stuff. I know stay humble and greatful for what you have. Don’t over ask because when you do you will regret the outcome. I just want to keep working on finding a way to make this life the best possible experience that I can. By exploring alternative options, hopefully I give myself hope in doing so.
The life that has blossomed in front of me always truly amazes me. I am thankful for the moments that take my breath away and any moment I get to be involved with my community. Playing my violin in moments of anxiety or reading a tale in moments of panic. I have found a way that truly talks to my soul and I hope in time that the answer will become clearer. Right now I have 2 signs to go until total meltdown so hopefully I can find the right antidote before than.

man and woman sitting on bench
Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

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