The Proverbial Clocks is Always Ticking (but are we listening?)

In the absence of time life has no meaning, with its addition it means everything. The fear that I may never live up to my true potential burns a fire in my veins and leaves a hole in my heart. Time may never stand still so I am forced fo find a way life in harmony with myself.
Merriam Webster has three definitions of time:
Definition of time (Entry 1 of 3)
1a : the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues : DURATION
b : a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future
c : LEISURE
Time as it stands really has no definite meaning that will help us feel fulfilled and like we are on the right course. When we combine our time with action than we are able to fully begin the journey that so many of us desire to fulfill.
To often than not we waste valuable time doing nothing. We feel because of the week that we lead that the journey of self fulfilling prophecy ends. Too many of us lead these superficial lives to try and fill the void that is missing for our soul. Life was never meant to go to work and die. Too many of us go to work in jobs that we have no idea how we ended up there. We forgot to use the skills that we were born with to unleash our true potential. Of course as children growing up with so many new things to learn and explore it is easy for them to lose their way and enjoyment of life. There is never a right way or a wrong way to live out your life. Their is however your way of living.
Living in the direction that you find fulfilling at the time can lead to lots of controversy (depending on that choice). I had countless call from my mom when I left my job at the bank and moved into hospitality. Even when I found myself living in a basement suite with no furniture my mother was still there. She never stopped believing in me and the potential greatness I had inside of me. Expressing her concern that she thought that maybe Vancouver wasn’t the city for me and that it was eating me alive she always had so much love and support. It wasn’t until motherhood that I could see just how much pain that I may have caused her during that time. There was even a period of 6 months to a year where I had no access to phone or internet. The pain that I had unintentionally put her through only now has entered my mind. I guess that statement isn’t exactly true. At 35 being homeless with only my cat and a few belongings the only thing that I had worth any value was my families love.
That period of time when I found myself with only the love of those close to me it was all that I needed to pull myself out of the darkness. My sister was my shining star as I looked at her as my beacon. There was a period of time where drinking and doing drugs outweighed any relationship I could have had. The warm, numbing feeling that welcomes you is far better then the real raw pain that we are forced to face day in and day out. That partying lifestyle left me nowehere. In a time of my life where I thought I would be married with children and a career I found myself in a bachelor basement pad with 7 other suites attached. It was hard not to succumb to depression. In my mind this was possibly my rock bottom. I had one chance to proove to myself and those that I loved that my existence in time would have a purpose and meaning and I would no longer be a financial burden to my family.
I started to make what I believed to be positive changes in my life. Going back to school, volunteering, trying to possess a positive body image. From reading the secret many years ago I started to implement the changes I wanted in my life. I began to care for the people in my life like family (if they weren’t already). I practiced baking pies, dinners and keeping my house extra clean. I stopped drinking for leisure (and in time pleasure) and even found it inside of myself to quit smoking. My vision board that I made in school I posted up in my room and I began to start living the life I always wanted to live. Being in my mid 30’s it was a very scarey time. I knew that for myself I was running close to the time that maybe having a family wasn’t for me. Never wanting to settle to just have a family I had to find a way to not jump for the first guy that looked my way.
I have always believed that our destiny is in a way predetermined. We have the freedom of choice and the impact of those choices is what buils our life. When I met my husband I knew I had met somebody different. I drew alot from the conversations I had with my parents growing up. You know those words of wisdom that every parent instills in their kids to try and stop them frome experiencing the same heart ache that we have. Heart ache is part of the life experience. The fact that we are able to experience some real, raw emotion is possibly lifes greatest gifts. We are free toe xperience some of the World’s greatest highs but with it comes some of the greatest lows. Think ying and yang. In order for their to be balance and harmony in the Universe your extreme happiness is usually at the expense of other peoples pain. When I started to think that way I knew that I had an ability to consumme large amounts of negative energy. It is not like I wanted to feel all this pain. Just naturally I had found a way to adapt. My balance of pain was never easy. The first time I was presented with the possibility of death I was 13. When my mom asked if I wanted to stay home from school I choose to stay in bed. I grieved for the woman that my grandma was and all that she was to me. I remember being there when her helicopter was airlifted from Trail Memorial to Vancouver General. Not knowing if she would ever return was extremely hard. Without even knowing at the time I began to master tthe first step of grieving…the ability to accept it for what it is and cry. My grandmother’s surgery was successful and we were able to live 10 more years with her. I vowed never again to fear death. I knew that those close to needed me more than ever. Nobody should have to leave this world alone. I still believe that.
Being able to explore all that is possible I really began to seize each day as an opportunity to expand and grow. I never got to realize that until I met my husband and had our son. Some say it is because of the out of body experience but waking up in the hospital after only going to bed to sleep was shocking. What I remember from that morning could be just my mind playing tricks but one thing for certain is it definetly changed who I wanted to be. It became more than just the traumatic event of our beloved pet passing away so suddenly and the tragic circumstances that surrounded our birthing storey.
My journey to become somebody my son could be proud of started just over a year ago. Obviously the health of my son was my primary focus and finding a way to mourn became second. Once again I found a way to manage my grief while moving forward. The only peace in my heart came from helping and saving lost and abandoned animals. Since that time we had to help two of our fosters find their way over the rainbow bridge. It never gets easier just somehow manageable. The most important step is allowing yourself the time you need to grieve in the way that helps you heal. Through the growing list of tragedies I found a way to keep making a difference in animals lives. I had to take a step back in fostering in order to not over exhert myself and potentially losing myself again in the process. With all the loss I had to find another outlet to express myself. No longer wanting to numb my feelings I wanted to find a way to embrace them. When I became real with myself I found a desire to want to play musical. I always wanted to play the violin. The haunting melody that it can play while awakening the depths of the soul was something I was needing in my life. I have only had three lessons and alot of my notes could probably wake the dead lol There is this feeling of peace when I struggle my way through a song. In the moments where I practice I like to think that the spirit of those lost can hear my music and feel the love that their existence had in my life.
I know there is a race against the clock to try and do everything that we want to in this time. In the event of sounding incredibly cliche it really does help to set out a lesson plan for your life. To awaken the inner child that has laid asleep for years will allow you a chance to live your life with passion. The road less travelled is always a little scarey. There is a reason why it is less travelled. Only the strong willed have the qualities to have blind faith in knowing their direction has been predetermined. The only harm is the lack of belief in oneself. With the presence of time only we know the answers to what makes our lives worth living. To surround yourself with those reasons and to rid yourself of all the negativity in your life will be your own greatest reward. We all can’t be rich and famous but we can live carefree. Allowing the chance to fully be present in my life has given me this ability to be present in those around me that need. My desire to express myself in words comes from the love that I received when I needed it most. Some of us don’t have people in our lives who believe in us. I want you to know that I don’t need to know you personally to know your worth. You are here living in the same time as me with the same financial, personal, spiritual troubles that we all face. My purpose in sharing is to let you know that you are not alone. Life isn’t seamless as we wish it was. This journey that we all share can become pleasureable if we explore our inner essence and find a way to let that essence come to the surface.
Time is all we have and some will never have enough and others will say they have too much. The real secret is to find a way to make your space in time sing with those around you. Imagine a world where we all sing beautiful melodies that can be heard from the heavens and beyond. Music is a Universal language so maybe that is all the World needs to heal. If all of us took a look inside of ourselves and gravitate towards our happy place I believe we would all live in a world of harmony.

forced perspective photography of cars running on road below smartphone
Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

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