We all want to hope that there is something after all this existence. For me it boils down to how can there be so much pain in suffering with their being know release in the end? How can the only reward for a life well lived be death? When evil and good get the same reward you have to believe that there has to be something after. There is no way a sweet innocent lil babe can suffer the same fate as the greatest evils in the world. The same can be said for our furbabies. There is no way the Universe would have the same reward for two finite beings living and leading two completely seperate lives. This defies all rational thoughts and can lead to complete catastrophic behaviour. It is this belief that has walking in between what we have preordained as rational and pure behaviour.
As a teen I was never sure what to think. I needed to believe that there was something more to life even though my Dad would always say that it didn’t make sense. It was proven by Science….yadda yadda. That was just something I couldn’t just let go. Every feeling every emotion is tied to something that we can’t see. They are heightened by moments of great happiness, fear and sadness. With the roller coaster of emotions it becomes hard to still your mind and listen to what the Universe is telling you. I have some specific examples of times when I know the Universe was listening. It was in times where I had great faith and was in tinue for only a moment with my complete being. I was able to hear the messages and relay them into my life. All these little instances wasn’t enough for me to correct my path of self destruction. It took that shocking near death experience where my husband held out fate in his hands. Everything that was brought into my life came into my life because I became in tune with the Universe and had faith. Where some might think I am crazy I am hoping to give you peace. Whether it is a simple nudge or even a spiritual hug from afar I will be here to help you through it all. I had blind faith, let me be your eyes.
At 25 I was settling into my career. I had my own place, brand new furniture and car I thought I was pretty cool. What was missing from my life was a beau to share it all with. I always wanted to have a man just like my dad. Not in an incestual way but I wanted a man’s man. One who could protect me and provide for our family. One who was ok with me being the matriach of the family and dare I say take some control. How I found this meterosexual I will never know but the key here should have been from the Dating Website Lemontonic. This guys spent more time on his hair then I did. And let me tell you Ross Gellar had no chance with this guy’s slick do. I put up with his arrogance mainly as a desire not to be alone. He embarassed me at parties and even so graciously hit on the waitress at our Valentine’s Dinner. Being 25 I should have known that it was time to tell him to hit the bricks but being in Vancouver surrounded by millions of people I just wanted to get the next chapter started. I kind of should have known that after our fight on Valentine’s Day. He took me home immediately after I asked him about the waitrees (we didn’t even get our appies). I never thought I would hear from him again but sure enough within a couple days I got a call from him. He wanted to get back together and make it work. He was also wondering if I could pick him up in the morning and drive him to this pub so he can take the bus to the sporting game. Trust me I should have ran but I couldn’t, I had to try. Part of the catch is that I had to pick him up after the game. Wanting to ipress him I washed my car and waited for him to call. It became one in the morning and still no word. Knowing what bar I was supposed to get him from I decided to go and see. Sure enough he was there wasted and as rude as ever. Surrounded by girls I made eye contact and turned and left. Running after me he wanted me to stay but I had made up my mind. He decided to come with me. After paying his tab he came to my car and could you believe the car wash had frozen the locks. So here we were at 2 am frozen out of the car. I have never seen a grown man act like such a child. He even peed on my car locks to get them to work. He had no problems telling me how I ruined his night and stormed away like a child. We went to the gas station and got lock deicer and NOTHING was working. What felt like an eternity he huffed off telling me that once again he was leaving me. Dropping to my knees I started to cry and in my head I asked my Grandmas (both were deceased) to please help unlock my car. Please don’t let me sit out here in the cold anymore. Deciding to try one more time the door unlocked. It almost felt like it was unlocked the whole time.
Later that same year somebody very close to me was experiencing one of the hardest times of his life. You see his partner at the time had a son, that son was trying nothing more than being a good samaritan. He saw a girl being beat up by her boyfriend in public park. What he didn’t see was the 3 friends of his hiding in the shadows. Not being one to ignore this level of wanton disregard for human life he stepped in to try and stop the abuse. Within seconds he had 4 men on top of him. He was only 19 and in a matter of minutes he was left fighting for his life. This was the son of my friend’s partner. I am not sure how long it took for help to be called but he was airlifted to the closest medical hospital that could assist him in his injuries. He was on life support for months and they were not sure what his quality of life would be when he awoke. My friend wasn’t sure if he would be able to risk having to risk raising an adult child as he was going into his retirement age. The closer he got to 6 months the more damage that there would be. I remember the conversation I had with him as they were getting ready for their trip to see if there was any progress. My friend was overwhelmed with the idea that he might have to leave his partner in a time where she needed him most but he didn’t want the added responsibility. The purpose of the visit was to talk about whether or not they would consider life support past 6 months and that the longer he was under the greater risk that his mental state would be in. Hanging up the phone I remember looking out the window and into the night sky. I remember thinking that I was lucky in the sense I never had to make a life altering decision such as the one that they were faced with. Saying aa prayer to my Grandmother’s I remember saying to them that I would forgo my luck for as long as possible if they could just wake up my friend’s partner’s son. That no matter what was about to come into my life I will always find the strength to make it through. Falling asleep I sense of peace came over me as I hoped that they travelled safe.
Waking up the next day in a panick my alarm never went off. Quickly getting dressed I rushed into work hitting every red light as I went. I will never forget the sound snapping routers make as the routers went on my car as I was driving over the Patullo Bridge. I had enough luck that I didn’t crash that morning as I squealed into work a half hour late. What an incredibly upsetting way to start the week. Seeing the red flash of my phone I already had a feeling about the type of calls that were on my phone. As a banker in the early 2000’s there was alot of unhappy people. To this day there is no better sound then a message that says,”Amy!! He’s awake! He woke up this morning!” It seems en route to the hospital to talk over the options with the Dr they got the call that they had dreamed for. In time they got all the prayers they were hoping for. He maintains a Grade 9 to 10 education and there are certain activities he can never do. But he’s alive and he is able to once again be apart of their family.
I want to end on an extremely positive note. I have spent some time exploring my spiritual side and seeing if there is something more than what we know. For those that have been following I lost a baby when I was 13. I always believed that she was a girl. I wrote letters to her and burned them in fires only the two of us know what has been written in them. I belong to a medium club where members can call in for free readings (I have had 3 so far). In all of them she has been able to identlify my grandparents and what they had passed from). She has even recently mentioned that there is a lil girl with them. That if we so desire she is waiting to join us here in this world. I know she has a 50/50 shot of guessing the sex of what it is I am yearning for but she also mentioned that our little girl wants to make sure that our family is settled and happy before she decided to join us. This medium would have no way of knowing that a) my grandpa passed away from alzheimers b) that I had lost this lil girl and was wondering if we should try again and how about this game changer:
I was told that my Grandma told me to go ahead and read the letters. That she would be right here by my side throughout it all. The medium thought that maybe it was letters that she had written. That would make sense except my mom gave me letters that my Uncle had written about our family that I have been to nervous to read. The only people who know that they letters exist is our immediate family. They are even tucked away in a drawer so that I don’t see them on a day to day basis. Now with all that being said it makes me nervous to try for another child. If it is a boy it says that maybe there is nothing out there after all. If it is a girl than there is truth. In a world where we all want to believe in something I still have that. I am scared to make my thoughts known as I am scared of the unknown. Amongst all this uncertainty there is one thing that I know for sure…The truth is out there we just have to have know where to look!