RIP Sweet Koda…Who do you walk for?

Here it is. The Eve of my very first marathon. I thought when I first signed up way back in Jan that I could easily hit my goal but sadly not even one person donated 😦 Partly it’s my fault I did not campaign all that much. I did have alot on the go with the Animal Photoshoot, The Bakesales, Fostering, Volentueering etc And the list goes on. I was really hoping for more in the bake sales but maybe in time. I do love getting out in the community. Especially today it kept my mind busy. It is only a 5km for me that is but the Scotiabank Marathon is actually a very huge event. I had no idea the significance when I signed up. I found myself wanting to sign up when I was all rah rah all things fundraising trying all different things that work. Getting involved and known in the community trying something new. Letting my inner self soar. So anyways I sidetrack as my tummy is in knots worried now. Should I have trained. I know I am not in ideal shape but I do think I can make it. I also am kinda nervous of large groups sometimes. I have learned that it is because I am an emapth. The more I learn and uncover about myself the more in tune I come with the energy that surrounds me.
Oh so we can divulge further into the last post about is there anybody listening. Remember the medium I frequently talk to well she told me that I needed to get out of the woods. That loneliness that I am feeling is because I need to learn to walk down a different way. Not sure why that makes any sense. When I started to think about it there is a forested area right close to where we live that would explain it. I am hoping that the success she was referring to was me finishing this 5KM. I really just thought it was a good healthy thing to want to do and it was for animals and charity so I could think of no better reason. Maybe I should have trained more but I know how this works. Slow and steady, keep up a good pace, your pace. I shouldn’t think about this so much makes me panick…just a little. Maybe I should have waited to have such an athleticly lofty goal.
I like to think about specific milestones we set for ourselves those unknown and what we uncover along the way. One specific one that I had for myself was to get me out of my comfort zone. I had gained the freshman 15 times 10. I was a big girl and had pretty good self esteem. That actually came from shy camp. It wasnt until I saw some pictures taken of a guy I was dating at the time and his cousin that I realized just how much weight we had gained. Together we gained ALOT of weight. I was going to University full time, working 2 jobs and in my last year had to add on a correspondence course just so I could graduate on time. I wanted to write my certified financial analyst exam level one. It was important to me to do it that year. Reasons you may alerady know if you have read earlier posts. Our health took a back burner as I dedicated my whole life to being in attendance for that day. Graduating in April 2002 and writing that exam that June was the greatest accomplishment of my lives. There was so many hurdles that I was yet to face but that single time in my life that no matter what lay in my way I was getting through it. So of course after kicking that dead weight (he never worked a day that we were together for 4 years. He will tell you that he worked at Future Shop but from day one he never received a pay cheque I should have ran for the high hills.) My health became a priority so before my 25th birthday I entered my first fitness model competition Fame (I am pretty sure 2006).
The outside physical transformation process was by far the easiest journey I had ever faced in comparison to what I have overcome these past few years. You see losing physical weight is easy. You can follow a diet and exercise plan and your success is determined by what you put in. The harder transformation is when it comes to matters of the heart and what makes you the majestic creature that you are. The hardest weight that any one person can carry is the way that they feel about themselves. We are more than just a reflection that we see in the mirror. We are these beautiful, gentle souls that thrive on interaction that stimulates are inner essence of our being. The real reason for the bucket list is to do things that make you feel alive. Why don’t we also have a “Bouquet List”. Things that we can do in our lives to make ourselves feel beautiful. That is why I am running the marathon today. I saw an opportunity to do something new and in the process meet new people. Just like a beautiful bouquet of flowers we should focus on a list of things that we can do that will make our insides sing and feel their most beautiful. A bouquet list should be your list of things that you have found that make your essence and soul come together as one. In my bouquet I have found so far a desire to continuously learn, playing my violin, educating my son, connecting with my husband, fundraising and helping out my community. These are the things that I found when I added to my life I feel my most beautiful. I have finally been able to look past the reflection that I see in the mirror. It is true what they say we are our worst enemey. That would have to mean that we are our first worst enemy? If that were true then the would be the shift in the energy that we emitt to the world. I wonder when that first moment occurred that made me not like the image I saw in front of me. Was it the first freckle? wrinkle? grey hair? Truth be told I rmember getting my first grey hair early in life.
Reflecting back now on the energy switch that occurred during that time. It was more than just hormones and a love for punk music. I entered into my first what I believed to be serious relationship. In a time where my brain patterns should have been forming with the pressures of my studies I was what I thought exploring what I thought was the typical teenage relationship. He was the one that introduced me to sex (it was terrible by the way). He also introduced me to drugs, porn, alcohol and violence. He was the first person in my life to make me not feel good enough. I used to have to watch him slap around his 3 year old sister. Looking back I can see how this relationship was the pivotal turning point in my life. It lasted for over a 1.5 years. Towards the end the only safety I felt was when I was exploring the local youth group. He was getting banned from different places in the city. He was also being investigated for a bunch of break and entering in our community. I had no idea then that the way he treated me was going to shape the next two decades of feeling indadequate and opening a hallway for more abuse. It is remarkable that even know just writing this I have a sense of peace. Before even a mention of that 13 year old girl and I would crumble to pieces. It was a very volatile and pivotal moment in my life. It shaped the way I acted with my parents afterwards. My dad feeling that he wasn’t able to protect me felt distant and cold. I understand those feelings now. Well not really but I can imagine.
My son is my grounding point for everything that I get to become. He has given me the courage to reach for the stars and embrace all in this life that I am yet to become. They say we are our children’s first teachers but my son is also teaching me. He is teaching me the true meaning of life. Never stop taking the opportunity to learn and never stop the opportunity to love. Having the courage to look at the world and see the ways that maybe I can make a difference. Take my bake sales for examples. The last two bake sales were not very successful. The last one here in High River well I only made $10 and probably gained 10 pounds. It shows me that the world is no longer receptive to those that are getting out into the community. Like me there is safety behind the keyboard that is beginning to get conditioned within us. Lately it seems that we are only doing things to be held accountable for them. Like if the activity in question doesn’t have the potential to be my next profile picture then I don’t want to do it. You see with my Facebook account I have long ago stopped changing the pictures. Those pictures on my account are from a moment in time when I felt complete. Before the transformation of who I was about to become started.
I like to think that my spiritual journey of self discovery is almost complete now it is just a maintain. Over the last few days something incredible has happened. Through my enlightened state of being me and my husband have started reconnecting. It has been small steps but steps in the right direction. I don’t even think we have said anything heated either. Through all my readings it has been the “Vindication of Womens Rights” that was written in the late 1700’s that has made it all possible. I can’t wait to explore that reading with you as you would think that a book written in that period and for that purpose would drive a wedge even deeper into our relationship. The exact opposite seems to have taken place. Just like in the first book that sparked the desire to learn I feel like there is balance that is coming into my life. When your life begins to live in balance there is no choice but for everything in your immediate vicinity to feel warm and fuzzy as well. My husband’s loyalty and devotion to our family has allowed me the opportunity to explore who I am. Without his committment and his willingness go let me raise our son from home he has given me lifes greatest gift. He has allowed me the ability to continuously explore who I am and what makes me tick all while providing emotional and financial support. You see with knowledge (any kind of knowledge) it allows you the ability to use your mind in ways you never thought possible. I was at first obsessed and overwhelmed with the negatives but that is because my negative energy was bringin it back onto me. When I started changing the frequency of my energy the world began to open up in these incredible ways. I was finally ready and able to receive love and it feels amazing. Eventually the good energy I put out into the world will come back to. For now I will be content on just changing my own world. That is the one that is most important and that is the one that I will get the most benefit from as well. So in the spirit of life being a marathon I will finish the 5KM today. When I signed up for it originally I wanted to do it in honour of all the strays that were destined to walk their lives alone. Today as I walk I will reflect back on my dear foster Koda. In honour of Koda I will reflect on my journey thus far while walking. I am sorry that his journey ended the way that it did. I have comfort in the knowledge in knowing his spirit has long been returned.
koda
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