Pivotal Moments (and other pretentious defintions of time)

Oh the crossroads and the pivotal moment when we are trying to determine the right path in whih to venture down. With youth comes courage and the attitude of thinking that we will always have time to correct the course that we are on. We have no idea the severity that that one moment has that we are staring down or the vortex effect that will get a hold of us tearing away from the life that we have received so much comfort in knowing. The grounding point should always be found within yourself. That true North that even through the darkness can find a way to shine bright enough so that you can find your way home. The secret is to never give up and to be able to always see the value in your being no matter the choice that have defined you before. There is always a way to write a new ending if you just take a part in it and try.
My first boyfriend. I don’t mean the ones that we think we have or the ones that you checked the box yes to when the note got passed your way. He was three years old, in and out of juvenile detention, smoked, disrespected his whole family and ws violent. What a catch eh? I was blinded by the desire to want to fit in. If I wasn’t going to fit in I might as well have other scared of who my boyfriend was. My parents recognizing the severity of the situation I was getting myself involved tried to interfer. Just like any girl on the cusp of womanhood I began to hate my meddling parents. There was no stopping me seeing this man. I don’t know when that became out of fear. He was incredibly controlling. He loved to put cigarette butts out on my arms and loved to leave bit marks all over my body. I never could have imagined I would be acting out a passage from one of my favourite Sweet Valley High Books. This is where I first learned to lie and cover up and take pity on somebody who did not deserve a second glance. You know I actually watched this guy pick up his 3 year old sister by the throat and throw her threw a wall. I lasted one and a half years with this violent individual. Being only 13 this was a defining moment for me that would set the tone for many relationships to come. Having what I thought was an ace in my hand because I was battered and abused feel pity for me. The only thing that did was give me a reason to spiral out of control for many years to come.
Deciding to leave the bank. I had always wanted to work for one company just like my dad did. I want security and financial freedom to raise a healthy family. Just like anybody consummed with such negative energy the feeling of happiness could only last a short period of time. I did recognize that maybe it was time to deal with the demons from the past but when it came face to face I knew that some things felt better left unsaid so I turned to alcohol instead. Alcohol combined with a negative attitude left me making the mutual decision to part ways with my career. There was alot of internal issues going on that really started to stem from what I perceived being in a position of power at the wrong time. I wasn’t able to handle the emotional demands or what was being said. Be in my 20’s I was told to do anything and everything possible to keep our business on our books. I had married men calling my office to set up appts after hours with alcohol. It was in this moment that I had pretty much a nervous breakdown when the demons from the past bubbled over and I had to leave the bank. Every movie you ever see about sleeping your way to the top…well that seemed to be unfolding right in front of me. I opted for a less stressful job and seemed to let my grief take over.
The first time I decided to try cocaine. The worst thing that anybody can do is try to get comfort from somebody who is suffering just as much as you. I remember the exact night in question. Even where I was sitting. I was on the couch and she was on the ground. We had a flat of lucky that we were trying to drown our sorrows in. We were trying to play cards and forget about the men in our lives and how they hurt us. The beers, although tasted good, were not doing the trick. Finally after some time she pulled out the innocent white powder. She asked if I minded and I said no. She asked if I wanted any and again I said no. I was pretty proud that I had made it to 31 and never tried the stuff. I reflected back on those Sweet Valley High Books and remembered the one where their best friend Enid had did it and she ended up dying (this was before the fentanyl epidemic ) I watched as her face transformed from one of sorrow to one of I don’t give a sh*t. As her mood begin to lift and mine just went deeper I thougt if that is all that takes is a line of that powder to get better than I will take it. So began my summer of chasing that demon while not acknowledging what was truly going on.
The time I left a raging alcoholic for a heroin addict. I didn’t set out looking for the worst of the worst but this is what happens when your negative energy is enough to power a small power plant. You attract what you put out and what I was putting out was toxic. It was the same summer that I started to live what I thought was the life of the Rockstart. I was partying and doing drugs and staying up all night. You know living the life of every true 30 year old. I was working at a liquor store when I saw this cool guy in a leather jacket and versaces. The indicator should have been that he was in the bar in the afternoon or maybe it should have been the single can he bought as he left the store. Still imagine my surprise when he showed up later with the money he had either stonel or panhandled oand here I was hooked. I needed to know more about him. Here’s the secret girls, a man who is drinking in the afternoon buying single cans with change is not a keeper!!! It’s a shocker but it is true. No good will ever come out of this. Being 30 years old and still thinking like a child there was no hope of ever getting out of this mess of a life that I had created. Not surprisingly the drinking continued, the humilating public outings (he couldn’t go anywhere without having a beer in his hand. I mean anywhere parks, malls, cars etc). I mean what grown man urinates in the middle of the day in a public park in front of children and thinks its funny. He was never violent but he was very negative. He never had anything nice to say to me called me fat alot (I can not give up carbs please don’t ask me I have tried I am naturally curvy!!!). What he was doing was keeping me down so I wouldn’t leave. When the MDMA started I had a few friends step in. I mean I did MDMA everyday for 3 months because it was the only way I could stand being in the same room as him. Walking around like an old lady and hitting a new all time low. Enter ex convict just released from jail….
Let’s fast forward the storey a bit. Bascially my circle of friends were probably not the best and alot came from the underworld. When my friends suggested I hang out with this guy as he was just looking for a friend they thought it would be a good fit. Whatever that means. I found myself leaving in the middle of the night from one crazy alcoholic to a closet junkie. Maybe at first he wasn’t right back on the drug but in time he was. I gave him way too much credit then he deserved. He helped me move out of the basement I was in and away from one toxic situation to one that was even worse. I am going to give you all a heads up. Yes it is nice to give people the benefit of the doubt but never at the expense of your health and well being. We lived pretty much in squalor for years, I wasn’t allowed friends and I was cut off from my family as well. Here I was at 30 years old living the life of what a teen should be going through. I had no value or self worth so I allowed myself to become this disposable object that was getting put into these very strange and violent situations. I remember when I got the strength to leave this one. Not being one to stray from old habits I upgraded criminals and found an even bigger one to get me out of the situation. When I told my bf I was leaving he threw a tantrum I mean he even broke his arm. He locked himself in the bathroom and smashed his arm into the tub. He tried to tell me he had fell but I heard it all. As always I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into so I dived in head first. Leaving one bad situation I found myself in something completely different. This guy was going to court in a month and there was a good chance he would be locked up for 4 years. I have never been one to not have a boyfriend so I insisted that I would stay loyal to him until he came out. For the next year and a half instead of learning all that I could about myself and my journey I visited this guy 4 times a week and wrote him everyday. I was free to party and do as I wanted and I had a someone I could call my boyfriend. That is the ultimate recipe for disaster. When he got out it wasn’t as magical as I had hoped.
The final defining moment that lead me to where I am today was the decision to leave BC after my ex torched our apartment. The ex from jail got one of his friends to rob the apartment and remove anything of value before lighting it up. It was the straw that broke the camels back. All these defining moments where I kept choosing the wrong path I decided I was going to go down something completely different. I reached out to the only people that wanted to succeed and that was my sister. Being able to admit to the people that loved you that maybe you have gotten yourself into something that you no longer have control of. To strip yourself down so that others can see you for the raw being you are is the only way you can start rebuilding yourself. Somewhere along the line it became ok to be treated like something that didn’t matter. That the choices that I made only impacted myself. Somewhere along the line I forgot that even in my darkest hours I still have people who can be my light and help me back on the path to self enlightenment. I don’t have to be defined by the bad choices that are in my past. I can use those moments of darkness to help others. If only we can see that those pivotal moments although controversial in their nature can never truly define us but enhance the being that we portray to the world.

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Photo by Katie Salerno on Pexels.com

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