We all have those days when we wish that we hadn’t have bothered getting out of bed at all. I probably should have cancelled the day on Monday but being one for torture I allowed it to continue. As frustrated as I was when it was all happening I knew that all these little nuances were removing bad energy from my essence. Bad energy has nowhere to go but out so everytime I spilled coffee or my baby would through a tantrum just out of nowhere for no reason I know that there was more to all of this than meets the eye. I have long appreciated the string of bad luck as I know that it comes in all shapes and sizes but I am just not ready to have another major negative event in our lives just yet. I felt my body begin to drain of all feeling and the light headedness began to take over. In my day I am able to get alot of tasks accomplished but not when there is such a huge energy shift occuring.
Monday evening we were all watching the NBA game when once again my son had another one of his meltdowns. The only thing that made sense was to comfort him and take him up to bed. We both immediately fell asleep and thats where we stayed until the next morning. Apon awaking the next day I was hoping that all would be back to normal. Not even close it felt almost ten times worse. I felt like I was stuck inside a jello mold unable to keep my balance and my emotions were very raw and on edge. Every little thing inside this moment was engineered to set me off. My whole day became this tidal wave of anticipation just waiting for the damn to break.
When the energy in the room is being pulled in a direction that you are not able to understand why you become grasping for the solutions. One of the topics that have long been up for debate was the longevity of my marriage. I have tried many different ways to breathe life back into our marriage. I have taken boudoir shots, kept an immaculate house, had dinner ready, made sure the baby was in a good mood etc. My marriage has been on the rocks for a while now. I try to voice my concerns with my hubby but it is just in one ear and out the other. Maybe the solution was closer to home than I thought. Maybe it was time to rip the band aide off and see which direction the wind takes me. I went to the grocery sore and managed to get some boxes and went home and began to pack up my life. The very thought of this set my husband into a tail spin. The facts are I don’t think he ever took my potential spiralling depression seriously. You see from everything that I have learned and preached up to know is that the one prevalent and yet most valuable but most widely misused is the concept of time. What if this is the Universe giving me a fork in the road. I must keep taking it.
With every item that I packed my husband became more upset. His language was tickled with “Why are you doing this to me” and “how could you do this?” I am so thankful that I have taken the time to really get to know me and what it is that I need to feel fulfilled in this life. Everything I have been doing has been tailored towards this. I was able to look him straight in the face and say this is the exact problem. I am not doing this to you this is a consequence of your actions all accumulated into othis one moment in time. Out of desperation he started asking me about all the plans I had had for the summer (keep in mind he never committed to any such one). This just angered me for a period as my life, my soul, my purpose all comes down to easing the pain of others. Part of the joys of being an empath and in tune to the feelings around you, you possess the power to control and shift the energy in the room. The cultivation of a brand new plan and focus was exactly what I had needed.
Obviously when I wrote my last post there was a negative tone to it. As I manifested my destiny into being I was being lead in a direction that would nurture my soul. Throughout the summer I have very little interaction with great power Pinup Women, the kind that I draw strenght from. With this in mind I knew what I had to do. I had to begin to fill my “Pinup Tank”. I needed to surround myself with like minded individuals that understand my desire to dress fabulous use alot of makeup and smile and look pretty for photos. One of the best moments of last year was all the beautiful ladies that I met in Duncan, BC. I met such a powerful group of young ladies that inspired me to want more out of our lives. They embodied everything I loved about the culture. We laughed, cried and even had cake (thanks to one special little lady). On a day to day basis I live in my pinup personna. It is only in rare occurrences that she finds herself amongst her peers.
So know after almost 48 hours on the verge of what felt like a complete mental breakdown. The shift of energy that makes room for all the great that is in store has almost settled. This is the time where I really do the most creative thinking. This is the time in my life where I get most excited! I am always a creative dreamer that embraces my compassionate emotional side on a regular basis. I will always lead with my heart for the greater good and I will strive to be the positive ray of sunshine that most so readily need in today’s toxic world of contest competition. I have a summer plan in place that I most excited about. I am just waiting for a few more things to fall into place. Once the catalyst begins there will be no stopping the goodness train that will come out of this.
The desire to be the change that the rest of the world so needs has always been my driving force. I have seen the sign and I know the direction is the right one in this journey. I wish I could tell you everything and in time I will. I know you will be so excited for what is in store and what it means for all that are involved. The thing is if you have the opportunity to make somebody’s life better with little or no effort on your part then that single action becomes the tribute to your life. In a time where I felt so much despair I was able to hold onto my emotions and honour them. This allowed them to take me in a direction I never could dream up on my own.
With a clear concise path laid out in front of me I am shifting my life to make the room necessary in order to ensure that the task at hand is the focus of all my energy. I did pack suitcases and boxes yesterday and it did open my husband’s eyes (or so he says). So in the short term while we allow the summer to unfold before we make the final assessment on our union and if it should proceed to continue. We have decide to dedicate the summer to one special little boy. I am hoping to tell you everything that is in store on Friday (my 40th birthday).
As for the boxes they will stay the way that they are. I have had way too much clutter just looming around in all corners of this house. With so much “stuff” so readily at our fingertips it leads for a very messy looking house. This has become the source of many of our arguments. I have decided the items that I am not using on a day to day basis will be marked and safely tucked away until there is a time that I do require them. I have clothes in all sizes and all season so those can stay tucked away. And for my make-up collection. I of course have a huge, extensive collection of moisturizers, serums, make-up etc. All from working at Sephora. In order to have ease in my life I will only keep out what I need on a day to day basis. I will committ to using the moisturizer or serum till it’s done then I will retrieve one from the box. Eliminating even this clutter in this way will allow for way better feng shui. I wonder how much I can get done in the short period of time before my family is visiting and of course my birthday.
Can you keep a secret? I have also been really nervous about reconnecting with my cousin. Me being the oldest and her being the baby I should have been her rock and guide in this life. I failed her miserably and was not there for her when she needed me. I am hoping that if I make enough emotional sacrifices that I can make the room that is required to build a life long friendship with this rare being that I have neglected for yours. Sometimes I have to remind myself to let things happen naturally and to not force or expect too much. That skill is one of the hardest ones to acquire. I am not a patient woman and when I have these ideas of grandeur I always dream of all the differenct outomes that can exist. It is rare that I focus on the negative as there will never be any negative energy when you lead with honesty and a pure heart. I am just excited for this shift that is occurring right now at this time. I never would have thought that I would be capable or have the incredible fortune that I do have in my life. Always in the course of each and everyday you need to be able to stand back and give thanks and embrace yourself for a job well down. Only you hold the key to unlocking your destiny and harnassing your inner power. Nobody is meant to live their whole life spirallling out of control. We just have to know what direction to look into and who to ask for help in order to help us reach our final destination. Tomorrow marks the day that I have been counting down since the idea was born. I can’t wait to be in the company of some great women from my past to help redefine my future. I know that when together our hearts will beat in unison as our souls recognize each other for the first time in years. The universe has given us an opportunity to recreate some great memories so of course there is going to be some negative resistance to this great change. We can’t expect to be the change in the world if we can not be the change that we so desire to see. We also can not be the change that we want to be without the guidance and help from others. Who best to help guide my inner child then those that knew me when I was a child. To expect anybody else to help form the next chapter of my life would be the true definition of insanity. It is time. It is time to find yourself back home in the comfort of those that knew you before you even knew yourself.