Life and How it Defines Me

Life. It has never meant to be easy or to be that forgiving. So many of us take for granted the beauty of aging and forget to appreciate the small moments that make living so great. I wish there was a magic wand that I could wave to make certain moments that we experience dissappear. Then I realize we are just a series of moments all woven together to become this intricate art form that when left to its own imperfications becomes this own entity that will inspire and inform those around you. My journey, my storey at times makes me hold my breath but in an instant takes my breath away. To live without purpose would drive even the sanest man insane. For all those moments when I thought I had life all figured out I find myself once again starting back at square one left dazed in confused in the aftermath of my choices. What changes in these instances are the characters in the storey. If lucky enough some of the characters will be repeated throughout time. It would also depend on how you define luck. I have been in a room of thousands people and have felt all alone. In the same way I have been in a room with only one and there was no place I would rather be. Stripping myself down to just the raw emotion I am able to take a look at myself and determine the next steps I need to take in order to armour myself against the world. The world has never been yours for the taking. We have always just been mere visitors waiting for our space in time to transcend into the next chapter of our existence. Through all the darkness that has taking up residency in my life I am able to find a lighted tunnel of hope. When all that is left are our words of the life that we lived how can we not want to take a moment and reflect on that. We take for granted the meaning of life.  If I have learned anything over time is that what we think is worthwhile is actually worthless, what we value means nothing and what we say holds no truth. When you forget to not only build on your character but to nurture your soul you will find that when reflecting back on your life you have nothing worthwhile to reflect on.

  1. Challenge yourself: Why wait for somebody else to set goals and limits for you when you can do that all on your own. The only person you ever need to be in competition with is yourself. Try to strive to constantly improve and get lost in the moment. For me I have always been by nature incredibly shy. Being in large groups I find to be challending and I really have to push myself to get out of my comfort zone. It is kind of funny that I would have chosen I hobby such as the one that I have. My reality is I think I can make a difference in the life of others if I share my storey. If we all are going to exist in this space in time than I feel it is the least I can do to try and make the world a better place. Everyday when I get up I think of new ways to challenge myself. I set daily goals both on a personal and a professional level. For some they see my volunteer hours and my desire to help out my community in anyway that I can as a form of weakness. I have had the unfortunate luck recently to have walked into a room where I was the topic of conversation. Before I might have decided to take what I had overheard to heart (and at another time and place I probably would have).

2.  Believe in yourself. This. This is so important in a world consummed with so much             negativity. At the end of the day when all is said and done it is what you think of                 yourself that really matters. This is more than winning, this is bringing all that good           that is inside of you and believe that somehow, somewhere you can make a                         difference. I actually believe that with a positive attitude and a winning smile that             maybe it can make a difference to somebody. I need to believe in something so bad             that why can it not be me. My personna Sweet Ruby Bluez is just that. When I                       become her I believe I can be anything. The sun and the stars don’t feel so out of                 reach. I guess for me it’s the dream and deep desire I have to just be a friend to                   everybody I cross path with. Sometimes when I was younger I wasn’t so kind, both             to myself and to others but I believe I can be someone better. I believe with every               passing day I become more like her. The beauty of embracing the empathetic side               in you is you have this strong pull to do whatever and at all costs to make a                           difference to those who paths you cross. I know one day the love will be                                 reciprocated and it already has begun tenfold. Once I started removing the negative           energy from my life I opened the doors to a more positive way of being and I am                 very excited to have this opportunity.

3.  Forgive yourself. It seems so odd that when things begin to start taking a turn for   the better that you would reflect on the past. The haunting memories from the past linger long after the heat of the moment fades. So many times we have stayed in toxic relationships, friendships, situations alot longer than we should. Our instincts try to warn us and encourage us to run away. Our fear of being along overrides any pain we feel as we spin into a dark spiral. I remember spending alot of my twenties staring down the neck of a bottle of Crown feeling sorry for myself for stuff that really didn’t matter. I would beat myself up emotionally keeping myself in this dark depression that really became embarassing to the world. I pushed alot of people away because of incidences out of my control. It took a counsellor sitting across from with a picture of me as a 13 year old and asked me to take a good hard look. There was no way I would ever talk to a young girl the way that I was talking to myself nor was there anyway that that young girl deserved anything that happened to her growing up. I think that was a turning point for me. We were all children once, babies to somebody. We all have been held in the loving arms of family being protected from the harms of the outside world.  Once I started associating the fact that we were all granted this beautiful opportunity, this beautiful life I had to try harder to be a positive change in the world. The only way I could do that was to forgive myself fully. I had to forgive myself for being the *sshole that I was for a few years. That is not who I am anymore. I do though have to own the fact that that was a chapter in my life. Hey we all have our faults and that is definetly mine. I had a very colorful decade there that had alot to do with shaping the woman I am today.

 4.  Be kind to yourself. I was out for a jog/walk with a new friend the other day and we were just chatting getting to know each other. We started talking about our likes   and hobbies and when I started saying everything out loud that I am trying out this   year I really do sound kindof interesting lol. We can all thank Kathryn Hepburn for     that and my new found thirst for knowledge. It was one of her rules: Find yourself     interesting. You also have to learn to love every single one of your imperfections. Wrinkles are a badge of honour. I am promising you. There is somebody out there that would wish to have the ability to live a long, healthy life. How about just being kind to yourself for that reason. Life shouldn’t be about who has the best looks, body, car, house etc. Let it be about the strength of your character and size of your heart. I am learning to accept my greys and yes I do dye my hair but it’s not to cover the greys it is more about a statement. Sweet Ruby Bluez came about because in light of the tragedies of the world the way we treat each other is growing quite alarming. I decided to dye my hair in a decade of mourning to grieve the loss of humanity as we forget about everything great about what makes us human as we try to replace it with technology. Every scar and every imperfection tells a storey and I will gladly take on more if it means one more day surrounded by all the people I love then yes please. I will take it.

5. Stop looking back. This will become one of the hardest tasks that I will ever have to master.  Closing the doors on the past and fully enter into the present. I have spent so many months so much wasted effort on people I have now come to learn wouldn’t do the same thing for me. There is no greater loss then the lesson not learned so I have to finally come to peace and begin to slowly move away. I have spent so many years trying to learn about myself and to adapt to situations that I wouldn’t be my true authentic self if I kept on grasping at the past. It is ok to let go and it is ok to try it is the knowing when to do both that finds alot of people in a pickle.

6. Love recklessly. This is a little misleading because I definetly do not mean to love with lust in your heart and to stray away from the vows of ones marriage. I am talking about allowing your heart to love again for another furbaby even when your heart is still aching over the loss. There are so many lost, confused, abandoned animals that definetly deserve all the love in the world. It is not that you are replacing your lost pet but you are gaining a new lil friend. As well coming fresh out of loss I know that it hurts. It hurts more than some other partings in your life because the bond between you and a pet is something out of this world. To be loved unconditionally for all that you are for each and every lil imperfection is the most incredible feeling. I love loving all my furbabies and yes I have been shook to my core with some devastating loses these past two years. The fact is for the period of time that our life paths crossed it was a feeling I would never forget. The love I share with my furbabies is something that I want to experience over and over again. To save a life that would otherwise be lost with no direction is something that I will always do. I committ to love recklessly but truthfully with all those precious furbabies that I do get to meet.

Above all else stay humble. You get nowhere in life with a poor attitude and nobody is worth more than anybody else. We all are watching our stories unfold right before our eyes and we all deserve the same courtesy when exploring the possibilities. Maybe in time we will find a place where we do live in harmony, without fear or judgement.  That won’t happen until we let go on the holds that bind us to the people that we used to be.

red petaled flower
Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com
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