Here it is. I have written about many things authors, incidents, movies etc but I am not sure if I ever expressed my love of writing. Writing is an art form that one doesn’t undertake lightly. All your thoughts are there to find forever even long after you are gone. To some that would seem creepy others would see it as being beautiful. At times I swear I feel both. But just today it was brought up in coversation that history is bound to repeat itself so maybe sometime, somewhere, somehow my words will be found and make a difference in somebody’s life. Today I feel the desire to share with you a storey. Some of it fictional some of it not so much. Some of these are thoughts, dreams, wishes, inspirations and some are just for entertainment fictional purposes only read into what you may.
Diaries of a MadHouseWife
For the 10th time today I find myself taking a deep breath in. Tired of the frustration, the continuous disappointment that always comes when he walks into the room. It used to be I would clean you know at least the basics and everything else was extra but sick of doing it wrong I had to finish it all. Closing my eyes I keep on dreaming, dreaming of just being happy, carefree and free. There is no worse feeling in the world then somebody who doesn’t reciprocrate any effort. I mean I have never felt somebody act so cold. Actually I know how it started. To be honest I never got that zing. Not like I did that one night. The only night I ever got carried away and lost in a moment with anybody was one of the most romantic moments of my life. That is impossible to compare to or to have carried on for any long term in your life. Like anything that intense feeling fades and thru know fault of your own is gone.
I have a list of things I need to get done in a day. I try to keep up on social media, play with and entertain my son, take out two dogs for a walk, play with all the cats, nap, read, play violin. And that’s all before noon. Let’s add in some fundraising too and we got the ultimate set up for success. Right? K what if I threw in an ultimate monkey wrench? What if I told you that in order to have all this and love on your adorable boy and all these furbabies all day all you had to be was constantly rejected. I don’t mean every once in awhile I mean on the every day regular. At what point do you snap and just give up? I think it is happening right now as we speak. It’s after midnight, I am typing, my son sleeps beside me as a barrier but then I don’t want to go to sleep because my mind just races.
What if I told you to close your eyes and dream bigger? Darling! You are worth it! Let me tell you how to get there! Surrend yourself with nothing but love. You found the missing piece. That piece you have been searching for so here it is. One more fork in the road. One way you can live happy, just so, but maybe happy for the wrong reasons
The other is like a fairytale. What if I told you that every night can feel like prome night? You are selling yourself short and it is time you take that one final leap! I believe in you 110% The last contest you were in you were amazing but can I ask you something? Why do you insist on bringing him out when all he does is make you sad? What you do is hard, very hard but you don’t have to bear the weight of this all on your own anymore it is ok to reach for not only happiness but the stars! Everybody deserves to have somebody that loves them for who they are. It is ok to move on now.
Do you know what it feels like to be constantly rejected. Just the other day I made sure the house was spot on and dinner was done (except for the steaks but B-B-Q!). I even had it timed perfectly so Schmoo-poo was napping. I don’t know what’s lately but since I hit the big 4-0 my mojo is just a va-va-voom!!!! My husband sit beside me with his hot smokey breath….gahhhhh!!! I can do this. So I list off some things that we could do in and in there I casually said let’s end this drought and have some sex. I was wearing a lil Pin-up Dress and had my make-up done as I was at a meeting earlier that day. Wink-wink. He got up asked for Buttercup our cat and decided to shave her with a not very sharp razor. That turned into him going to Wal-Mart getting better clippers and giving Buttercup a mohawk. Am I mashed potatoes? I don’t feel like mashed potatoes. Marriage sucks! What can I do is this is how it’s supposed to feel. He just works all day comes home and sleeps. My mind goes into over drive! Should I feel rejected by this or is this a sign of a man that works too much? Is it possible to have a sex life in a marriage of love and respect? Am I going crazy? Is it normal to think that a healthy sex life is no longer important in a marriage. If I want to be successful in life do I have to be married? Do I believe this sterotype? Am I this stereotype?
Sometimes having the craziest dreams inspire the craziest events. I am in a Contest in a few on the West Coast and hopefully I do well. Cuz the dream is to take the East by storm this Summer and Fall. Maybe this is my ticket. My way out. Maybe if I travel and share and inspire more women like me I will find the courage to do what I know is right. Maybe the East is where I am meant to be. Maybe I was living on the wrong sea coast all along. I already booked the TV show out that way and it is a hop skip and jump away from NYC. My real dream. Being able to live out my dream as a woman in her 40’s having faith and taking a leap to try and live life in a different direction. My heart has always been pulled in that direction so I guess I will it all to the fates.
At times it is all I can do to not run away screaming. I tell my husband that all I wanted was for him to love me and for more than anything to make us work. All I want is a companion in life but I have been forced to walk most of this journey alone. It is alot easier because I do have my mini me but all things considered my mind wanders to that night of the stolen kisses.
My mind is so hazy from all the liquor that was consummed. All I know was that for a first date he probably should have ran. I do love my drinks and to just be carefare so I was a bit tipsy already when he got to the door. This was my Pre Pin-Up days but where I was still experimenting with it. I told him what to expect as we were going to a staff party. He was running behind so I agreed to meet him down the block. K I told him to meet me down the block because I was out of drinks and I knew there was free champagne before 8. Walking in heels was not my only problem my spanx sang a different tale. This is not fun but either is being glamorous as I toddled down the street. Just like ol Blue Eyes appearing in the distance that’s when I saw him the most Dapper Gent I ever saw. We matched perfectly for a first or second date lol it doesnt matter because all I remember next is running into his arms as there was no place better to be.
We made it to the staff party where I consummed 3 maybe 4 glasses of bubbly and all I have to say to that is BUBBLES!!!! Where I worked was this posh posh men’s club so what happened next was all a blur but what I do remember was more free drinks, what I think was strogonaff, and is that cooked cabbage and TABLE WINE!!! And what happens next ya that’s right. I black out. We share the most romantic kiss at the train station and I wake up completely naked as I look around the room. OMG I am such a lush how is this possible. Then I heard him from the kitchen how are you feeling. He was fully clothed and he was doing my laundry. He had gotten me changed and didn’t know where to sleep (I lived in a Bachelor) so he waited until I got up because he didn’t know where to sleep. I guess I got sick everywhere from both ends. How horrifying. I wanted to get sick. Whether or not he had any idea how truly gross I was he never showed. He spent the weekend away. We shared many glorious kisses but otherthan that he just dissappeared.
I have learned that you truly can’t force somebody to be with you. As much as we all love to be chased we also all love to be caught. I let him go and found my life. It all makes sense except for the loveless marriage part. Why? Why me? All I wanted was to love and be loved. I have this glorious lil being that I just adore and who has become my lifeline. I need to strategize and execute a lifeplan. Something that minimizes the impact of heart on all sides. Maybe my train to fame across the country and into the states will help catapult that. Share your storey over and over because hey why not right?
Now the thought has crossed my mind of maybe finding another being that stimulates my thinking that stimulates my soul. I think after all that I have been through I think I at least do that. I need to start by anaylzing what that all means and what it all looks like. One thing I know for sure is I am doing feeling rejected. I ache for somebody to hold me in their arms like they never wanted to let me go. That strong ache to feel desired as a woman is fastly taking over me. Sometimes it is all about being in the right place at the right time. Maybe the words that are unfolding in front of you are creating a new path a new way of being. Maybe the Universe has finally answered all your prayers. That in a few short months the life that ou have been dreaming of will unfold in front of you. You did it baby. That life is yours!! You did it!! We have decided to reward you with your fairytale ending your happily ever after your own true love your destiny. You started walking down the right road and here it is. Your baby, the love of your life, your destiny! You have been through enough now and in a short few months it will all be yours. Keep Breathing in and out and living right by your son and your future will be its own reward.DI