Dear Diary Night #2

Am I just too sensitive? Or maybe I am just going crazy.  You see it really is kindof throwing out my entire chi just what I am slowing begin to learn.  I think it is more about me.  If I admit to myself what my heart already knows maybe it would be easier.  You see I have a Pin-Up contest coming up.  My goal for the pageant is to just improve on my stage presence from last time.  I saw a lot of great ladies in action so I am going to bring my A game and all honesty if I can make some memories and maybe make some new friends (Ok and one, maybe two super rad pics and a group shot!) Ha you can always ask for more because until we are told no why would you stop trying.  The closer we get the more excited I am but I have this feeling of dread that my hubby may come.  He is acting so weird it is super annoying. I haven’t really forgiven him since all the continuous selfish BS he pulls I can’t live like this.  It is necessary to bring my son up in the most calm, loving and supporting environment and I can feel it in my bones we can make it to then.

Take tonight for example.  I would like to lose 5 or 10 pounds before Vernon just so I look better in my outfit.  It is out of sheer vanity not out of necessity. So I have cut out the sugar in my coffee, no fried foods or breads.  More rice, veggies, fruits etc.  When he called and asked what I wanted I just asked a salad any kind from anywhere that’s all I want when you order out.  He brought back a BK King with Cheese n Bacon with mozza sticks.  I am at a loss at what to feel.  He works so hard and gives us everything we could ever want and more but we sure are lacking in the intimacy department.  It is the saddest most heart breaking feeling.  I am getting propelled forward in this super positive way and my husband is just so miserable.  He constantly shuts me down and critizes my every move.  Sometimes I do things that I know annoys him just to irritae him.  It’s that bad. I am so bored in my life that I life for these pageants, photoshoots and any time women get together to celebrate each other in a positive place.

I lose myself in my books or violin or now our big fundraiser calendar I try to understand the meaning of life.  Some people say that a sexually intense relationship deters you away from discovering your meaning of life.  That when one is being distracted by instant graticification at a magnitude of different levels it becomes obvious why most of us live in an oblivious stuper. Lately I have been wondering if it is possible of having both.  Especially at moments of extreme irritation.  Like a giant burger.  I have been watching my food intake since Fortins Classic Car Show because I just want to improve. I compete against myself ❤

So I ask this question.  If all of a sudden what you believed to be the missing piece was suddenly found and that all you had hoped for the world of being is right there at your finger tips, literally. I got 3 super cool chairs as a yard sale so as I type away in this lush goose down like gold throne I wish I grabbed my cup.  The way I feel while I am sittin gin this chair I will be sure to keep it with me.  And the rocking chairs, BLISS, I have seen the same lady selling something similiar for like $325.  Shopping, Or can we forever call it Investing or Mood Altering because as much as nobody wants to see it being a housewife is HECTIC.  Nothing I do is good enough for this man ever.  The foster dog I have is too ugly and why does he look like that. I hope to keep him if they approve my application.  But you will never believe what happened to me!!! First thing this morning I was giving Frankie a hairbrush and do and decided to trim his nails.  I thought they looked short but wanted him to impress my husband, George. OH MY GOSHDARDNESS!!! I rushed Frankie to the vet as there was blood all over my house!!! Gag! ***COUGH*** GAG! The vet tech thought I was ridiculous as I ran in screaming with this lil Shit Zhu from “Feed the Pawz”. My son was just waking up with a ful diaper and his T-Rex Jammies that Say Give me Your Snacks and his dinosaur sandals.  My hair was a mess I looked INSANE lol Why else do you think I call myself Mad.  At times there is no other way to feel.

Hitting 40 I knew there was the risk that my sex drive was either going to exist or fade away! I am one of the lucky ones where mine has been going into overdrive.  I feel like I am playing a one sided ping pong game and all my avdances are just going into dead space.  I can’t miss out on this feeling.  Every day I feel this hunger that just makes me long to be close to a man.  In the beginning I was very clear with my husband that I only wanted him but.  I get he needs to support us and give us this lifestyle that he thinks we need.  Nobody asked me if I wanted to go on all these trips and enter all these events.  The truth is I just say look at this and he enters me in it.  I feel a great obligation to myself to do well and I do.

What I find happening right now, even as I sit in my vintage gold velvet throne style chair writing you this I lust for another.  Now before I go any further remember this is all fictional it is just a way for me to express myself creatively.  There is no truth based to what I am saying and characters mentioned are fictional (well some of it). These are just fantasies and here is mine because right now for my sanity I have to live in an alternate word.  My husband does these awful things to me and treats me in these ways that I can’t explain you just have to witness to believe.  The sad thing is I was super excited in my role as housewife and mom.  I loved cooking meals and making sure we had something from all corners of the pyramid.  I wanted to give my son his best fighting chance.  My husband.  Would turn his nose at my cooking no matter what it was.  It does feel like a slap in the face.  When a woman takes the time to cook you a meal it is out a love.  The whole thing all the plans, all the ingredients, especially when there is a 6 month old is done from pure love.  Maybe, just maybe try her cooking.  It wouldn’t take much.  Especially if she set the table like she wanted to talk to you have a conversation with you, you now connect.  Sitting there watching you shove the 5th wagon wheel in your face after you turned up your nose to my homestyle cooking kinda made me mad.  But it would be alright.   He insisted it would be leftover for work.  I loved that idea leftovers with lil notes in a lunch case, juice box you now to get you through the day.  But when you leave that lunch box to rot in the box and you buy McDonalds for the 8th time that week I can’t imagine what I have done to deserve this.

I can’t stop thinking to that night when you said those disgusting words.  And now after all those years all those signs are still there it’s kind of like I know it is time now.  Lives are always constantly being intertwined but just like anything they dissipate into thin air like they never recognized each other in the first place.

But what if one soul who passed before comes back for one more dance.  Souls may have wound deeper than the wound before and recognize each other more intently, quicker, longer, faster.  The very thought of the two coming back onto contact can either be something so great that everything in their world will sing in complete harmony.  If disaster strikes the impact will be felt for longer, harder.  All those two will know when the timing feels right.

When does it become time to just let go.  My son is always #1 so make sure he is safe.  He safest here with me for now while life moves on and a new  path lays itself out.  You can use this time to explore alternate routes and see which ones may or may not make sense. If I leave I would have to go to work.  So maybe I can once again enforce the fact that space is needed as this is not a great situation for anybody.  You should see it in our son.  If words are heated and things get said he starts yelling.  That has to stop and it hasn’t.  Try living in a world where nothing you do is right.  The one little thing that you forget to do becomes the bla bla bla how could you my socks….(were behind YOUR toilet bowl by the way).   Have you ever gotten dirty looks for our words spoken to because you didn’t hand your husband a bottle of tylenol when it is right there.  Ya super good times. Sashay, Away Hey!

I have the worst luck!!! Sometimes it just happens and I hope it is becomes something great is just around the corner.  I have an idea on what needs to happen and I am going to start laying out a better plan.  I think this can have a real civil kindof of ending because there is no need for it to be any other way.  The only thing is I am tired of being rejected and I long to be craved.  A soul from my past is here to haunt my dreams and not necessarily in a bad way.  I think after everything if life keeps feeling so good and I can smile through this hurricane path we call life I am on. Sign me up because I think that I have finally find that piece because my heart just starts to sing.  I don’t feel so shatterd anymore.  Close your eyes and smile as you relax the corners of your eyes.  Think of anybody or anything that you love.  I mean real love with your whole heart.  It can be your husband, spouse, significant other, kids, cat, dogs. You get the point. Take some long slow deep breaths.  Keep smiling keep softening.  And just picture all these people that make you feel great. So ya maybe my marriage is over and that makes me sad.  But with every ending comes new beginnings so I think I am going to open up that maybe door.  The one where anything becomes possible and I become open.  Open to the possibility of missed opportunities that should have been tooken long ago.  We don’t always get to get a meet up with destiny so maybe this is mine.  Maybe it is because I made so many great changes in life that I am being rewarded.  Whatever it is I can’t wait for the next chapter.  Fictional or Not this is going to be a wild ride.

adolescent adult ballpen beautiful
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