Desperately Seeking Clarity

man sitting on hill facing sunrise
Photo by KayR Studios on Pexels.com

I wish that there was some magic wand that when needed we could have at our disposal. Trying to keep my mind busy on all things but what is really the problem I get lost in a World that happened before I was even born. The cyclone of emotions that keeps me in it’s vice laughs as I try to find my way out. At times I let the movement lull me to sleep as we all need rest once in awhile…even the wicked. I stare off into the distance and as my eyes focus on what lays ahead of me I begin to float. The feeling of weightless wanton reckless abandon overcomes. Lost I am no more as amongst the clouds I find my way home. There is no need for directions or even an escort but even before I had arrived this had been a place I had frequented at before. The smells, the sounds, the sights has been designed to put me at ease. The only thing that is asked for me here is that before I return I must forgive myself of all weightless wonders and let it become my compass to help navigate me home.

To escape the day to day realities is something I no longer have the time for. There has been in it’s place this fury of sand that likes to proove it’s exisiting by getting into every lil crevice of my mind and body it can find. Becoming a nuisance and constant irritant I long for the days when all made sense. Before the magic I had been following had turned dark and before my shine was dulled by the onslaught of evil that one has to battle in order to show that they are worthy. Incredulously there will always be a light at the end of the tunnel and if look ever so slight it will always be your beacon home.

The outside world has taken it’s time to perfect it’s toxic concotion. It knows exactly how to tempt, torment and tease you to bring you down to your knees. In this world allowing anybody other than yourself is a sure recipe for failure. You can see it in the way that people perceive you even before mere words have been uttered. To stand tall in a room full of arrogance is something that I would never wish on anybody. Even the strongest feels weak when made to endure a lifetime of negativity. We are all subject to it. Just some of us have other means to dull the pain.

I have grown up in a world before cell phones, cable T.V. and even home phones (we shared a line with my Uncles) were common place. Imagine I lived a life long enough to remember the excitement to getting or own private line. To seeing the nuisance that having a home phone provides. Noboday these days likes the idea of being reached at home. In fact our days, weeks, months are planned away from those places we do call home. It is rare to see somebody inside there home as much as I. I guess that is what makes me a rare breed. I spend my afternoon reading, playing my violing, writing letters to my Aunt or just stealing a snuggle or two from one of my many furbabies. Yes my house is tidy (as much as it can be with a toddler) and my laundry is folded (or hung in the closest as my husband insists) my baby is fed and tucked safely down for his nap. The value of time is rarely lost on me as I create lists of tasks and goals that I want to achieve. You see you can still be a valuable member to sciety even though you may not hold a job. I choose not to hold a traditional role persay but I do keep myself incredibly busy. My son is by far the most important part of every day. I steal away moments throughout the day that I know that in time will be hard for me to remember. As I hold my son I see my dad and feel my mom. If this is how my parents felt when I was so small I guess I must have broken their hearts unintentionally a million times over. The World that we reside in these days tries to keep these small moments from being few and far between. Why must time move on so fast?

It feels like just yesterday I was a teen girl free to make ridiculous choices. The choices I was making back then would have me fearful for my son now. The idea that maybe there will be a day where I can no longer hug him. But I know that that day will come. I torture myself with the ideas of wondering who it will be first. Can one survive without the other? The philosopher in me will say yes. We humans have fallen victim to this. If we are being honest then so will I…I am guilty of being selfish. I am guilty of trying to think that my World was way bigger than what it is. I am guilty of thinking that my world would be better if I somehow could make it stop. I smile to the World because it becomes alot easier than admitting the truth. Maybe just maybe I have made a mistake. I waited my whole life to have this perfect family, this perfect life. The idea that maybe just maybe I had gotten this picture wrong the whole time breaks my heart.

Have you ever begged somebody to love you only to have them say that they did? Do you walk around with this hole in your heart trying to understand why it is there? Do you look towards the heavens and cry begging for someguidance? Did you ever wish that maybe one day you don’t have to cry alone anymore? You see this is me. This is me when my son is asleep and my World is quiet. This is who talks to me when I am all alone. I write to the World in the hopes that maybe somebody will read this and hear me. I can’t tell you how much it hurts to want to be loved by somebody so bad. Words, words are this colorful way to express how your feeling. Without physical interaction or intent those words lose all meaning. Let’s talk about marriage….

I wish I had something positive to say about all this but where would I find the words. Do you know how many times I find myself saying, “If you were going to treat me like this why would you bother saving me.” And if I man tells you he wants you to stay at home and raise your child, RUN!! And if you decide to stay keep your receipts. I am now learning this the hard way. He lost $20…(did you read that right HE) and now I am having to tell him EXACTLY, penny for penny, how it was spent. Everyday I have to find create ways to serve my son food. Its exhausting. This morning I made the mistake of getting myself a coffee with my sons food. And when I got a necklace at the thrift store it was because it was on sale and I really went in to buy my son a rocking horse. I can’t tell you the amount of times I cry myself to sleep then feel even more horrid because I know there is somebody somewhere worse off then me. I guess thats why I stay because no matter how bad it gets there is somebody worse off.

My son. Without him I would have nothing, feel nothing, just become an empty space of time. There was never a time when I did feel good. Probably the reason why I was determined to move on. Enter fate. I am a big believer in fate and if fate wanted to give me this bright beautiful boy wouldn’t he also find a mate who is the same? The thing is I adore my husband. Maybe that’s why I stay. I get to hold my son in my arms till he falls asleep then do the same with my husband. Is this life? Do I get to sit here feeling miserable wondering what everybody means when they say they found love. Is love only one sided? There are so many people out there not with their match. I am so tired of dating but even more broken attached. This can’t be right. Then that means I either suck it up or move on.

Sometimes I think that maybe all this sacrifice could possibly be worth it but that all comes to a screeching hault.  I am away from my family who I know would help me no questions asked.  They wouldn’t call it babysitting but bonding with their grandson.  Nor would they spend 6 months out of the year in a foreign country missing the most important milestones in a child’s life.  Yes this is the same person who could not admit their wrongdoings.  The same person who told me she wished I would get taken a way in a straight jacket with no chance of ever holding my son.  Ya her.  All I wanted was an apology to show that the love you claim to have for my son is more than your selfish pride.  I still have the texts and screenshots saved to my phone.  So  lash out all you want but it is right there in black and white.  Having to witness the sneaking video chats between the two. I shake my head in utter disgust.  Yes I can be the better person but for how long.  How long does ignoring the issue become something that will affect my son in the long term. He is very intelligent and picks up on alot of things.  Hence why I have had to change almost everything about who I was.  Scientifically speaking (cuz that’s a big thing right now with the whole can mermaids be black talk….the answer is YEAHHH DUHHHH they are even in the original movie anyways so let’s talk about real tragedies on earth instead of the color of our skin.  We could start with that troll of a woman and her grotesque picture of father and daughter caught in their last embrace at a Trump Rally) our cells die and create new ones every 6 months.  That means it is virtually impossible for me to be made up the same.

No matter who I am now or becoming I know that I have never felt more lost than ever.  I know that I am on the right path but the destination is what I am unsure of. I am just so tired of hearing all these sideways undermining comments and behaviour.  I guess when I say it out loud maybe the problem is me.  Like I shouldn’t be upset that once again he brought me home what he first claimed was a veggie platter, than he said was chicken.  The bottom line is that there was no way I was going to eat deep fried.  I don’t crave it.  And I do remember saying just get me Shwarma or Lamb and rice.  It seems ridiculous that I would want to eat deep fried falafel.  Not that my clothes fit better but I feel better not shoveling non stop junk in my face.  It has now turned into me cooking for myself yet again while the menfolk go to bed.  Yes I am being a little sensitive to once again be dining solo.  These are the moments that break my heart.  I know I need to be strong for my son but why does my son have to carry this burden.  Why does my 20 month old have to step in and give me the love and support I need.  There needs to be change and I am hoping that I can find the clarity that I so desperately seek.

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