Dearest Diary

Why do you taunt me so? I much prefer being lost in my hot cocoon of a shower forgetting the outside world exists.  As some of you may know by now I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read. Hence why I write a review because if I can inspire somebody to reach out for book why not do it right.  It totally opens up your mind to think in ways that your previously never would.  I don’t really know how to explain it at all. It’s just there.  And in the off chance I am sounding a lil spoiled with my thoughts let’s talk about Sisterhood! Is there still such a thing?  I am currently reading a novel written by feminist Gloria Steinem.  She was a journalist in the time of the early 50’s.  And not just any journalist she was a political journalist in a time where women were just beginning to climb the ranks.  In it she mentions sisterhood and that really got me to thinking.

When you get a real bad taste from your first girlfriends it is really hard to see that there is loyalty and honesty amongst.  I have two great examples of shadey friends that ruin the magic for those to come.

First incident was so minor to begin with.  I was one of our only friends who worked (were they my friend because I could buy them beer and smokes more than likely.  It is pretty easy to tell looking back but what can you do now about it right?) and even drove for that matter so it was like I needed to work just to get us places.  We spent alot of time at the mall either smoking cigarettes, bumming cigarettes or begging somebody to buy them.  As we entered into the mall my girlfriend saw those real high Spice Girl shoes and she immediately wanted them.  I offered to buy them for her and she said her mom would never allow it.  But she did mention if I bought them as a gift then it should be an issue.  You know seriously I just want to try and make everybody’s lives good and if buying somebody shoes does that I am all for it.  I did end up buying shoes and a week later the conversation steered towards were the shoes was.  She informed me that her mother wouldn’t allow her to keep them so she took the back. Uh What? Without a receipt and why didn’t you tell me. Whether or not her mom was involved doesn’t matter.  I think it’s super tacky to ask for a gift then return it so you can guy beer and smokes…WINNER!!

Another incident was when I was 19. Me and one of my real good friends wored at the KFC in town.  Mmmmm ya that’s right Hot Chicken lol I was in my first year of college and my live in boyfriend was drinking more, I was drinking more.  I could barely get out of bed.  I was trying to find a job but being in such a small town if you don’t have an in with somebody hiring than what chance do you really have.  Finally he agreed to come out with me and my friends and he brought along some of his.  The first thing I noticed is he wouldn’t even sit by me.  The second and third thing I noticed is he was sitting and talking incredibly intimately with her and who was this dragon breathing down my neck.  It would appear he told one of his friends to distract me so he could make off with my friend.  I was depressed not stupid.  So when we all went back to her house and they dissappeared for 2 hours I lost my mind.  He ended up driving me to our house and then left to drive his friends home.  What he really did was drive back to her house.  Why do women do this to each other.  You know they are seeing somebody, you are supposed to be there friend. Why would you want to cause that much pain.  You really have to ask what is wrong with the person.  Not only did they start sleeping together but one day when he finally had a day off I was super excited. I was aching to hang out and spend time together.  Well said friend told me she had an emergency with her ex hubby and she needed me to move out.  What she was really doing was distracting me long enough until my boyfriend moved out of our house.  She was en route to getting matching tattoos, lunch you name it then cut it all short when he called saying it was done.

I mean I heard the call, the questions, the answers.  I also could tell that not only was his car gone but his bike too.  I looked at her and asked her if she knew what was going on.  Thinking back now I should have cracked her one but what would that have proven.  She told me no.  I ran to throw up and noticed he took EVERYTHING. Family heirloms, keepsakes anything that held sentimental value was gone.  No furniture.  Just my clothes, bunny and kitty.  He even had the nerve to cancel the phone and power.  My only crime was wanting somebody to love me.  I tried to do so much for this man only to get shit on time and time again.  Maybe that’s my pattern.  Being forced to move on not by choice but out of sheer survival it was there I found myself on Prozac for the first time.  I guess crying for your douchebag boyfriend that you lived with for 1.5 years who cheated on you with one of your good friends isn’t reason enough to sit around your parent’s house.  This saying, “Why waste more than 5 minutes crying about something you won’t remember in 5 years.”  LIKE WHY so it like that. Right now in that moment my pain is real.  It’s raw I feel hurt, betrayed. But somewhere, someone is hurting more than me.  They may be starving, dirty, homeless maybe even fighting wars that they don’t truly understand. To me that should be real pain that brings us to our knees.  Not two slutty people who don’t care about relationships or friendships.  In true reality when it comes to that time in my life I trully did dodge a bullet.

Take memories for example.  Memories are really on real to the ones that behold them.  Once that moment is gone its over.  It seems like there is time flying with just doing nothing.  That feeling is the one that I don’t understand but deeply want to.  We all run on the same clock.  Loves tick down for us all and it seems that all we won’t to do is find ways to prolong it instead of embracing it.  Life was never be this long draw out process.  Maybe for some it is but for other their time is so small and fleeting even faster than most. It’s in these moments that we question all reality because in truth who could do anything to harm another being.  If there is good there has to be bad the World runs better in balance.  If you take something from mother nature you best be prepared to suffer the consequences.  Look what we have done to the World.  We never would have done this if we would have known the outcome. At least I hope not.  We are supposed to be preserving those that walked before as it is a good indication of our journey.  I think that’s why I am obsessed with reading.  What if you came across a book that was written by you but in a different life.  How would that feel?  Could it be possible?  If one believes in reincaration and the body before was a  writer and the one now is a reader I would say there would have to be a possibility.  The more I read the more I learn about some super cool people that spent their lives transcribing words so we would have a point of self reflection.  Like think for that moment how it all began…were Adam and Eve really the first or was it cave man?  Mabe you are one of those that believe that it would have to be alien. Sometimes when I am reading I do experience moments of deja vu and even when I am just content in being I will feel like this has happened before.

How do we get to using the additional percentages of our brain.  To be able to unclock the brain to try and understand why we only use a small portion is something that we should study more. There are others that think the same questions as we do but are hesitant.  Sometimes it is hard to answer a question you yourself maybe unsure. I am hoping in time that my brain will be able to expand with knowledge and then maybe it all will start to make sense.

Now back to Sisterhood.  I think there has to be another group of girls introduced into our Prairie Region.  They don’t have to be Pin-Up just a love and desire to feel from your heart and implement changes to make the world a better place.  Being a stay at mom I have to make sure that my family is surrounded by positively incredible individuals.  You know there was that church video where that church lady said the girl was too chubby to wear shorts. Too chubby? Really.  We live in a world where people don’t care how rude they are.  Can you imagine the source of entitlement you must feel that gave you the right to be like that.  Being rude to anybody is never tolerated no matter where you go within the Pin-Community.  Lately I have been wearing some outfits that the camera doesn’t seem to love.  I was shocked when I looked pregnant again.  The facts are I am ok being the size I am but sometimes I just would love to wear something that doesn’t have that muffin top hanging out.  I should go to the gym I guess if I am that bothered but I really truly arent. With that I just ordered one of the waist sincher things so I am hoping it will just suck things in a more pleasing way.  I am pretty much all ready.  Have to plan the outfits for the weekend too and shoes…I guess I maybe have to make a list to make sure that I don’t forget anything.  This will be one of our shortest trips this year.  As much as I do hope I walk away with some bling on the weekend it is hard not to feel happiness for our fellow sister.  We all deserve to win and feel how great it can be.  To live in a world where we can share in the great moments like these makes life worth willing. I have been practicing super hard though so maybe just maybe lol and if not I have my two shows in Toronto and then the one here in High River.

As I get ready to sign off I wonder how much better it will be when my son gets older.  I would stay awake a million years if it meant we got to keep our lives together.  My son the best thing I have ever done, the spitting image of my dad, my life, my soul.  There will never be a day when you aren’t needed in my life no matter who you become.  I am proud just to know you and for having this opportunity to be a part of your life.

woman reading book
Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery on

One Comment Add yours

  1. Om Prakash Khare says:



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