Depression, anxiety, mood swings.  I think to some degree we are all privvy to one or more of these on any giving day.  During an episode of any of the above it could seem overwhelming like you just maybe the one or that maybe other people will see you as dillusional or irrational but that just becomes life.  The best explanation I ever heard was when you pass your line runs flat.  While you are alive there are many ups and downs but you never want it to just lay flat.  They are talking about your pulse and heart beat.  That would mean that in order to have an incredible high you must be prepared for the lows like a pendulum.  I guess this is another way that I feel like I have aged.  You know when you finally become your mother.  How does one prepare for that?  I am on of those guilty that may hang on too long to how feeling sad feels.  I like the lull of being completely withdrawn into oneself.  Like a cocoon you can hide and wait for a beautiful image to emerge.

For me even though inside I feel like a mess I know that I can still be a bright ray of sunshine other people’s lives.  We live in this incredible space and time where we can make a direct impact to the world and all that surround us.  Maybe my expectations are too high.  What is the difference between expectations and dreams? Could it be my complications in my marriage are from me?  My husband, bless his soul, works 7 days a week and for the most part 12 hour days.  He wants to have a savings set aside and well I am guilty of spending.  Before I jump into any new adventure I always get the all clear from my husband.  Sometimes I feel his work is just an exscuse to hide from me and his son but I think that is just my brain.  My brain is very, very, active.  I am always thinking, overthinking, it feels almost like I am in a hyper state of awareness.  I like to keep myself busy planning, educating and playing with my son and of course caring for all of my furbabies. How do I cope with my overactive brain in an attempt to save my marriage and avoid the super deep lulls of depression?  Here’s a list that I think is a good starting point for all

1. Write about anything, everything just get it all out.  In a world that is growing so busy that we forget about each other and surroundings I find it has always been helpful to write at some point throughout the day.  It gives me a creative outlet that I am free to express myself in any shape or form.  It doesn’t have to be made public as is mine.  The idea behind sharing my journey with you all is I am trying to show you all that we are all in the same boat.  Maybe just maybe there is one person out there in all the billions is looking for somebody like them that understands.  I could be ashamed for my feelings but I already did that.  The only way to begin the battle with your demons is to stand in front of them and call them out.  That is writing for me.
2. Reading.  Usually after I write I love to read before my son gets up.  I sneak back into bed with a cup of coffee and read till he wakes up (most times).  To me reading is the gateway to the soul.  You can learn about the struggles that happened to our ancestors before we were even born.  You can see that the same battles that were fought hundreds of years ago are still the same.  Just more advanced, damaging and of course fatal because there is billions more people walking the Earth.  I love to read and spend alot of time reading about feminism, history, politics you name it.  I am trying to understand how the World got this way.  Just because the World and it’s structure is taking a political bashing these days.  Maybe in time with the right education and the right political prowess we can make this nation great again but it is going to take all of us.  In the mean time you can head over to my Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/prairiepassion/) and see what book I am reading.  We can start an online book club.  I love people and chatting so if you do too give it a ride or suggest something for me.
3. Music.  If reading is the gateway to the soul then music is it’s essence.  The right style of music can have a positive impact on anybody’s day.  When I have a real low moment I like to listen to music.  There I get to dance and sing and listen to my son laugh.  It becomes incredibly hard to be sad with all the right elements in place.  Playing a musical instrument is also something that will help release any negative pent up energy.  I had no idea how fulfilling being able to play a song as simple as Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star could be.
4. Self Care.  There is always time in ones day for a little bit of self care.  I mean play with different hairstyles, put on a face mask (or depuffer eye gel pads), do your nails.  Whatever it takes for you to look deep within yourself and take a breath again.  What I keep forgetting about self care is that means sleep as well.  When I was at the height of my mania I was always in constant contact with my DR.  I mean I had this crazy periods of rage.  At first we thought it was from the seizures but my eye/brain specialist said that the holes in my brain only affected my seizures.  Not having that as an exscuse anymore on the advice of my Dr she discovered that it was probably just a lack of sleep.  So now I have a medicine cabinet that most Hollywood Stars back in the day would be proud of. The only thing is with my husband working so much I tend not to take the pills.  When I take even half a one I am asleep for a good 10 hours.  This is not a good thing with a boy that is crazily active as mine.  This is where napping comes.  I know it is hard with all the constraints of our day but all we can do is our best.  As women we all wear that Super Woman cape what we all need is more balance.
5. Housework.  I know right but we can all agree that while sweating away making things sparkle one can not help but feel good.  I don’t have time to work out at the gym yet so I got to make the exercise I do get count.  When I have to run up and down three sets of stairs I take it as a great glute and butt exercise.  So far I have prooven that this may not be an effective substition to the gym.  But I can promise you this when you finally get to look around and appreciate the cleanliness of your house there is a sense of pride.  Maybe I should start taking more pictures of that because as quick as I finish it all my little tazmanian devil tears through it all leaving my house in a constant dissarray.  That’s ok sometimes late at night I clean the whole house just so I can appreciate how great it looks for a minute.
6. Reach out. This here is another very challenging thing to do.  The problem with reaching out in your moment of weakness is you handed over a noose to be hung over your head.  Expect everything you say to be taken out of context.  It isn’t so much that the intentions were there but sometimes gossip does happen.  When inhibitions are lowered or maybe in that moment there was nothing else to talk about.  Telling your secrets might provide some social entertainment or maybe get somebody approval in a circle that they might not have had.  I have been burned before in many ways.  Some of it was deserved and some of it was taken out of context.  We all need somebody to bear the weight of the world to.  All I am saying is be careful on who you reach out too.  You can have a variety of people that you go to different problems with.  If I am stuck creatively or artistically or need advice on family I can go to my Aunt.  I tend not to bother my mother with the stress of my day to day life.  She doesn’t need to hear all the little bad because some of it I need to work out on my own.  She is there if I need here and I know she has a vested interest in my mental health.  As far as girlfriends goes that becomes alot tougher.  I know it seems my life is an open book on here but there are thoughts in my head that I am still too scared too share.  This has become my dark cloud over my head. In time I will find away to make that rainbow appear but for now I will find a way to manage.
7. Get involved.  It is very hard to live an Eeyore life when you are actively involved and getting out in your community.  We all are passionate about something so use that to your advantage.  I had to find a way to give back to mothers and babies because of how our lives together began.  Having to sit in the NICU unit for a month was heartwrenching.  We were always the lucky ones.  Yes it was hard on us but I know that it has been harder on others.  I have battled that grief and won and I know I have the strength to help others in this situation.  The same goes for applying to sit on the Board at a women’s abuse shelter.  I know the damages of an abusive spouse.  I know that fear and desperation thinking that this is the best that it’s ever going to get.  I have a chance to help out families and women in my community and I need to help.  We live these lives so inclusive of ourselves that if only we took a second to get to know our neighbors we could stop alot of these feelings of isolation.  My Pin-Up community.  Without my Pin-Up sisters I would be lost.  They have taught me a way to live happy and simply.  To use our bodies and outfits to carry a message. To celebrate each other’s differences and similarities in a safe neutral zone.  There is something so liberating and freeing when you find yourselves in a room of like minded individuals.  It doesn’t have to be Pin-Up. It could be finding your convent, burlesque, goth.  Anything that brings you together to celebrate your uniqueness in a thoughtful and understanding place.
8. Go outside.  Everyday it is important to go outside and just be.  To breathe in the fresh air first thing in the morning is like a cleansing breath of clarity.  If I had more time I would do yoga but until then I will find serenity in stealing away a few moments of deep cleansing breaths.  Sometimes when I am feeling adventerous enough I like to walk my crew down to the park.  Right now it is me, my son, our big dog and our lil foster.  I love the way it is utter chaos trying to get everybody to walk in sync.  We laugh, we cry there maybe even be screams but the fact is we are having fun and we are all together.

So in summary, it is ok to barry whatever is going on in the interim.  We have all heard that don’t bring your personal stuff to work. That’s ok just know that at some point you are going to need to take a deeper look before that damn breaks and we are looking at a situation that has quickly gotten out of control.  You are not alone.  You will never be alone.  No matter where I am in my space I will always find the time for my friends.