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Am I just going crazy or is this actually normal? In my head I keep trying to tell myself it’s wrong to have lust in your heart. That to want to have it all is unnatural and unrealistic. Which leads us to the question…what would you sacrifice to have it all? I never imagined that marriage would be like this. Do you sign over your identity when you say I do. At times I feel like things are in control and that everything will be just fine but in another instant I am over come with this sensation that there has to be a little bit more to life then this.
Digging deeper I begin to feel guilty. Why was my life spared. What did I do differently or haven’t done differently there has to be more to my life then just merely waking and sleeping just going through the movements. Is it wrong to want to feel that wave of electricity surge through your body when you are around somebody that your soul just recognizes. As beings do we need more than what just lays on the surface. Is it a bad omen to want more than what you have. What happens to those that begin to want and dream for what they hunger for. It almost seems if you become to greedy than more gets taking away. I think that is why it has become so hard to just fully relax and just be. I let my guard down once before and for that I almost paid the ultimate price. There are times that I feel like I must have made a deal on the other side so I spin my wheels tirelessly trying to reverse the damage that I may have done. Maybe that is where my obssession for knowledge is coming from. That if what I am experiencing is true then somebody else out there must have gone through something similiar. How do I find out if there is a curse on me or not. I have spoken with a physcic on more than one occasion and time after time the message is the same. I have many on the other side and they are all very proud of me. The latest was that the little dog that I have in my care has attracted the spirit of my grandpa. The one that I never met and my mom lost when she was 13. Say what you will but when she mentioned all of this she did say that my mom’s dad preferred her new do and wouldn’t you know she had cut all of her hair off. She also knew that I had never met my grandfather and that is why he was attracted to the lil dog. I guess if you cross onto the other side before you meet that person you aren’t able to give them signs that you are here. Makes sense right. How would you have any way to communicate on that wave length because that wave length has never been established. For whatever reason he likes this lil dog and now I have noticed that this dog follows me everywhere. It is kind of fun believing he is there with that dog. I love the idea of angels walking amongst us. Even though I have never met him I have great comfort in knowing that in all the places he could be in this giant Universe he has chosen to share his energy with me.
Who I miss the most are my granparents. It has probably been more than a decade since they have been here with me in the physical. Even though I know they are gone and I have no idea what happens to our spirit after it is all said and done I think about them everyday. I am not manic or anything I am able to get lots of things done. It helps having them as a beacon to always keep me focused and on the right track to home. Sometimes I can even smell my grandpa. I love that musty smell and his big strong arms. The hardest part of the state that my marriage is in is knowing that there will be no big bear hugs from my Gramps. There are rumors out there that are spinning these horrible lies about these people I love. Late at night when the rest of the world goes to sleep I remember all the great times we shared. I hope maybe someday I will get a chance to impact the world a peak the curiousity of my neighbors. It would be great for the rest of the World to know how truly wonderful they were. That even when I am happy I imagine she is right here with me. For those that truly believe in that some say she has never left. I have to believe that is true because once I finally acknowledged the oain that stilll resonated from me with the way they departed things started to look alot better. I know that pain of not seeing somebody you love enough before time is too late. We never know how much time any of us and the sad reality is that is the case with most of our elderly.
Visiting my in laws grandparents there was a heavy feeling in the air. Even my breath left my body when I looked up to fully absorb my surroundings. To see my husbands grandfather you could feel that presence of death. Feeling lost for words I went to him and took his hand in mine. In that moment I coud tell. Even he knew that time was running out. I couldn’t help but feel this utter desperation and frustration. I couldn’t let anybody in the room know what I had felt. As I squeezed his hand I offered him water, food anything. Right then I could only think that now in the absence of time we no longer know what is guaranteed or how much longer any of us have. Listening tell his tale of having his lungs fill with dust to the point that he could no longer breathe told me one thing. His body was becoming ready. It was his mind that needed more time to adjust. Staring down the long line of somebody’s life you can’t help reflect apon your own. This is where my husband spent many days of his youth playing in the fields and causing trouble. No matter what for the longest time his grandparents gave him the greatest life. To imagine a world with neither of them just totally broke my heart. The pain of knowing that there was no way to fight the process of aging and time I began to break down on the way home.
When I sat across from his grandfather at the kitchen table I took a second to take him all in. I memorized the way his lips curled when he smiled and how he still had a little bit of spark left in his eyes. If we were lucky we would be able to celebrate one more Christmas with him on the farm, if we weren’t…please don’t make me write what can be a definite horrendous ending to the year.
Going over to spend any kind of time with his grandparents can be very taxing. I can’t blame them for their honest crude opinions because they are really being said out of love. Only they know how they are feeling on the inside and only they know how much they are willing to share. When it comes to our elderly they truly are our greatest gifts. They hold they key to who we once were. The people we were before everything in life got in the way. They experienced a time that we could even imagine. That even when reading them in history class and being tested on we still couldn’t believe. I try to read to understand what it would feel like to have no tv, no radio, no real highways, guidelines or tolls. Some have even lost siblings or children at a very young age and now when you are starting up at those big pearly gates you wonder if they will be on the other side to great you. You talk about the past like it is about to become your future. They people you have long forgotten about become the focus of conversations. All I can think of is that I need to spend more time. I need to learn all that I can before time is against us. To watch two people who are seemingly cast away by their family will break your heart. It totally broke mine. I wish that I can spend time with them once a week. Just to be near them and hear their stories because if I don’t take that time now it will forever get lost.
His grandmother is almost completely blind in both eyes. It came on rather suddenly so I don’t think she realizes how sick her husband is. What a terrifying time to be alive. You can tell your husbnd isn’t well and you know that things aren’t going so swell for you either. If company doesn’t come to visit then what becomes the point of it all really too. Sitting out on the patio watching and listening to all the birds at the feeder I was happy to learn that she still knew all the birds that would come to the feeders. There was beautiful yellow finches, red wing blackbird and some type of swallow. He only came once so it was hard for me to give a description of him. I also learned to talk in really descriptive language in the hopes that she can visualize just what her great grand baby is wearing etc. She maybe very opiniated but I think she has earned the right to be. I asked her if I could visit once a week maybe bring a treat for them and have some tea. They always seem to be very busy with Dr appts and such. Spending time with his family made me see my husband differently. Yes I do long for the intimacy s

adult affection baby child
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ide of my marriage but what about companionship. If I had to pick one over the other I think I would want longevity in a realtionship instead of just geetting my rocks off. Especially considering there are so many perverts out there. I don’t mean men being pervy to me but I mean men being pervy to my son. At least there is always security in knowing that his father would never do or allow anything to happen to him.
It all boils down to how one defines their life. We all put different values on things that are important to us. Some peoiple like dogs, some people like shopping, we are all a different combination of mixes that make us all unique. Maybe we can’t have it all and if I had to sacrifice one thing maybe it would be sex. I have survived this long without maybe I don’t need it. Maybe for now it is ok to focus on what I need to do to make myself feel whole. Maybe when that is all done a new door will open and it will say WELCOME TO YOUR SEXUAL REVOLUTION!! Maybe I should just focus on learning from our seniors. They are our most valuable resources and without them alot of our history dissappears. There aren’t too many young people concerned with tour ghosts from our past. Unless of course they are haunting something and bonus points if there is beer. Although alot closer to finding out who I am truly meant to be some days I feel like I am even further behind. I guess I will keep asking in questions. In time I believe it will all be known.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Om Prakash Khare says:



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