The Truth! Freeing or binding?

You know how they say the truth will set you free? I am wondering if that may be the case for me. For as long as I can remember I have been bound by these chains that have kept me frozen in time. I have no idea why or what spell has been cast apon me but it is my hope that maybe sharing the storey and just getting it out will help me move on.
To some that I tell the storey to it is hard for them to understand. It has been a battle that I have long kept inside of me. Mainly because it is one out of sheer embarassment and too some secrets just feel safer when they are kept. When we are being true to ouselves and to our feelings then there should never be any doubt in our minds. Our head shall always remain high no matter how difficult the truth maybe to share. Maybe I will just dive right in and you be the judge.
Ever young girl dreams of their prince charming. How will they meet? What will they look like? And of course will they ever feel the same. It is true to what they say when you meet somebody who resonates within your soul everything seems better. The danky airless basement that you have been drinking in since noon looks like the best time in the world. That white wife beater tank clings to every muscle as the dimly lit room highlights every feature. You don’t seem to mind the red hoodie tied around his waist. Everything about him is a vision that you just can’t get a way from and nor do you want. To you even forget why he is there in the room until your friend begins to speak. The cat has literally gotten my tongue as a listen to the two chat. The conversation steered towards his girlfriend in his car so he slipped the white baggie to my friend and then I never saw him again. Before he left he told me to get his number from my friend if I ever wanted anything. I said sure and smiled like a school girl. The friend I was partying with saw the way I looked at him. He knew from past experience that this is a guy I should never mess with so he refused to give me his number. That’s ok I thought he only really wanted to sell my drugs anyways. My friend was probably right. There was a chance my friend was talking with his brain and not with what was laying in wait in his pants. Still after a night of partying I couldn’t stop my mind from drifting of him.
Months went by and I had long forgot about the hottie who sold us coke and I was on to the next party and fix. My newest boyfriend had just been locked up for at least 1.5 year and a half so I began the long journey of waiting for a man who probably didn’t deserve it. We were drinking and partying at a local pub and wanted to keep the party going. We also decided that we wanted some recreational party favours and so the girls that I was with called up their guy. I don’t know what made me go out and grab it from him but I have always believed in fate. There he was just as handsome as ever staying back at me. Without even thinking I got into his truck and we began to talk. We talked about everything and anything and it felt like I had knew him my whole life. When finally after what must have been an hour the girls came out looking for me. He told me to get his number from the girls and he took off again. Little did I know that one of the girls at the party had a crush on me so it was looking like a no go on the number situation. Anyways I was seeing somebody. As much as you can see somebody when they are locked up behind bars. At the time I wasn’t driving so I was at the mercy of anybody who wanted to drive the hour to get there wait another 2 to 2.5 hours for the visit and begin the long drive home.
Alot of people ask why I would do something like this when I was 30. Didn’t I want a future? A family? Kids? When you made as many mistakes as I have you honestly start believing this is the best that you will ever do. Criminals have a way of bringing you into their orbit so you not only believe everything that they tell you but they also have a way of making you feel special. For every girl that they make feel special during visiting hours there are a few more waiting at home and writing letters. I am not sure if I would change any of what I went through maybe just one piece and that is where the storey is about to go.
Clearly after those girls passed out I got the number that I had been waiting for almost a year for. I messaged him almost immediately and the flirting and messages took right off. Even though he was up to no good I couldn’t stay away. It is true what they say about a bad boy…they will knock you off your feet and keep you going back for more. The difference between my bad boy and most is that he never pressured me into anything. He was the sweetest, kindest man I had ever met. I never thought of him as a criminal even though I knew he was. I never talked to him about any of that we just would talk about life and all things in it. He would talk to me about my man and jail and he told me more than once he would like to be that man for me on the outside until he got out. As much as that idea filled me with excitement I could hear my dads words ringing in my head. Be mindful of the company you keep because that company will either make you or break you. I knew hanging out with him was wrong but I couldn’t escape the way he made me feel. When we were alone the whole world dissappeared. He held on to every word and made me feel like the most important person in the world to him. To this day I have no idea why I pushed him away. What I did next could only be explained as a method of survival. I went off and told him that I could never be in love with a guy like him. That he was an awful drug dealer that had death on his hands because there was no way that nobody ever od’d on the stuff he sold. This was the first time we ever talked about what he did. Sadly that was also the last time I really ever saw him again.
I know in my mind that was the best decision I ever had made. It was also the toughest decision I have ever made. At times I find myself drifting into wondering what could have been. There was one moment where things almost went to far. I know for every sense of the word I cheated on my boyfriend in jail. But in all honestly what I had no idea of knowing is that he was doing the same as much as he could do while being locked away. I stopped myself from crossing that line though because I knew that if we did that there would be no going back. Isn’t it crazy to think that maybe if we did go all the way that I probably wouldn’t be giving him a second thought right now. That in the absense of sex from my current relationship in my marriage all I think about is that one night. I have never ever felt that kind of electric current with anybody. For the first and only time when I was locked in his embrace I felt complete. That energy that consummed me is also the same that drove me away. If I lost myself in that world of darkness and crime then there would be no going back ever. There would be no chances of having a happpy life. You can never prosper from other peoples weaknesses and failures.
I am no saint though either. Much of my desire to be without him is at his hands. you see after my boyfriend injail got out we tried to make it work. He was abusive and cruel and never worked a day that he was out. I was working three jobs, 12 – 16 hour days just to keep a roof over our heads. This guy just sat around like a blob trying to engage in casual sex on craigslist. I mean I found an add that he was looking at from a girl that lived a block away. Imagine walking in to porn playing, seeing some girls address and your slime of a boyfriend gone. Needless to say sex was not an option for us. I knew he was other people. I knew he was trying to get back with his ex’s. I know he lied and cheated and was just genuinely a filth bag so naturally I would feel remorse for pushing a guy that actually treated me like gold. I mean he would never allow me to walk home in the dark ever. Here was my lazy boyfriend expecting me to walk home like 20 blocks along a pathway where a lady had just been murdered. Imagine my surprise when I come home to him high on oxy’s and drinking brandy like he deserved the good life. I tried reconnecting with the one who left me breathless when he walked into the room. Who’s electric current could have me running in overdrive with one simple touch. I always believed if he felt half the way that I did that he would always find a way back to me. I also knew that if he did I could never turn him away again.
The one who got away will always consumme your every thought. I believe it is nothing more than fantasy that keeps you captivated. We always believe that the grass in greener on the other side. Without anything to compare it to we can spin a web to fit our every desires. When it comes to the one who got away everything they do is perfection and everything anyone else does pales in comparison. Me and my husband have alot of these ups and downs. Lately I find myself thinking back to this time almost 10 years ago. At times I think about what could have been but that is because I have yet to find another being that sparks my soul in the way that he has. I could never cheat on my family in the sense that I would leave my husband for him. I didn’t leave my convict boyfriend back then so why would I now that I have everything going for me. It’s just in moments of weakness when my mind wanders. It is my hope by sharing this all it will make it easier to move forward. Of course there are details missing to the storey. And of course I have shared this all with my husband. The hardest conversation you will ever have with your spouse is feelings you may have for anybody else. As much as it seems like we are not on the same page I am not ready to write a storey that doesn’t involve all of us. My family is my everything and I am very blessed for every day spent with them. I am just trying to find a way to forgive myself in order to become a more complete woman. A woman that is worthy and deserving of love.

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Photo by Simon Clayton on

One Comment Add yours

  1. Om Prakash Khare says:



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