5 Things from My Past That Haunt Me (and why I had to let them go)

Why is it ok to take chances and strive to live your best life? What most people see as being selfish, self absorbing and even stand offish is just you taking the time necessary to grow. Of course it helps to eliminate all the white noise because for some people it doesn’t make sense. Take for myself as the example. Before beginning this journey into the land of all things Pin-up and positive I had next to nothing. I mean I slept on the floor with my cat. There were spiders as big as my head. Up until that point I was working 2 to 3 jobs just to make ends meet. In my downtime (I made sure I had some) I spent it watching ridiculous tv shows with no point, sometimes drinking (but not too much it is next to impossible to work with a hangover as you age), and alot of drugs. I used drugs as the escape to keep me sane. Did I just say that right? Drugs was my escape from an over active mind? Knowing what I know now drugs always seemed to make it worse. The cash that you were saving to buy furniture for your place because two more weeks of sleeping on the floor. That meant hanging out with a whole lot of losers because who else could relate to your current situation.
Finding my husband was like finding a needle in a haystack. I know alot of times I talk down about our relationship but that is just from my younger days of expecting my husband to ride a white horse and save me from all this. The Universe definetly gives you what you need when you need it. Right before I met him I pulled away from all toxic and negative energy. I mean there was so much drama swirling around in the community that I was involved in that it was a refreshing break to be away from all the incestuous competition that comes with a group of girls that are uncertain of their life dreams and goals. I mean that is a huge generalization but in my short time of being around I could see that alot of the women thrived by creating problems for others. I had one real great friend that I talked to through everything. Unfortunately even at 36 I was pretty young and immature in my thinking. I didn’t know how a good friend handled themselves both as a friend as in a new relationship. I always kept my relationship seperate from my Pin-Up life because at the time both personna’s were different so I didn’t think that they were one and the same. I spent the next year and a bit drawn within myself too scared to do to much out of fear this new life that I had began growing used to would be taken away.
My fear of having my husband see even a glimmer of the cutthroat catty girl that I once was made it impossible for me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I did dress every day in the style I was growing to love because even with the incerdible downs I always felt better dressed and done up versus the laid back housewife. Knowing that life is the ultimate blessing and a gift not to be waisted I started on a journey to get to know myself as I knew that in order for me to be the best possible version of myself I needed to let go of the ties that bound me. That of course meant being as honest and truthful not only with myself and with my partner. Maybe that is where most of the conflicts arose from. More so my fear of who I used to be. I know how others felt about me and I guess I felt that maybe deep down if he saw me in the eyes of those that didn’t like me that he would tend to agree with them. When I really thought about it I didn’t much care for the woman I had become. I felt like I didn’t become any which way. I just had a million exscuses on why I didn’t need to try and all stemmed from something that occurred in my past. Looking within myself it was time I changed the way I looked at the scars from my past and begin to see the positive.
1. I was abused both physically, mentally and sexually. How long can you carry that weight with you. I have seen numerous counsellors and been on different medications for both anxiety and depression. The longer I kept this weight inside me and used it as a cruth the longer I let my tormentors get away with what they did. The sad reality is I bet you not one of those people think about what they did to me so why should I. That pitty party of one gets really lonesome when you continue to push people away. I decided to take action and confront those demons head on. The world and our community needs to do better for people like me so I decided to get inolved. I am on the fundraising committee for It Takes a Village and I ran to sit on the board of directors for The Rowan House. My stance is to not complain about what happened to me but to get involved and try to minimize the impact that this type of behaviour has on others.
2. People love to tell secrets. I think a lot of us can relate to this. When we have a big juicy piece of gossip or secret that is just itching to get out. We tell one person who tells one person and then the storey getrs skewed. I can’t tell you how many times this has hapened both at my expense and because of me. Secrets are best kept in that way. If you know that one might be to juicy not to share it is probably best not to listen. The storey should always come from the person it happened to. It is just the most courteous way to conduct yourself and to perserve the relationship you have built. I like to think of sharing secrets as selling your soul to the devil. Is that little piece of information worth all the heartache and torment it could cause? Only the devil will say yes.
3. Dressing like a girl. You know growing up I loved looking like a girl. I loved to wear dresses and skirts and embrace my femininity. For as long as I could remember I loved to do my hair and makeup in the current trends. Up until the day I decided to confide in a teacher. He was a teacher I always respected and he always encouraged us to talk to him, so I did. Can you believe his response to me telling him I was abused and sexually assualted was because of the way I dressed! How archiac of thinking is that. The idea that any woman warrents any negative attention based on what they are wearing is absurd. However as a young impressionable teen I took what he was saying as gospel and decided that the attention I was receiving was because of what I was wearing. What I have come to learn is it wasn’t the clothes that encouraged that behaviour it was my meek and mild personality. I never stood up for myself when it came to negative attention and unwarranted advances. I mean if you don’t tell somebody NO and mean it then the behaviour continues. Makes sense right? I am not saying that this is for everybody but you have to prepare yourself. We are conditioned to admire beautiful things of all shapes and sizes. People are free to make as many gestures, comments and unwarranted advances if you let them. Nothing exscuses bad behaviour but I don’t want to live in a cloud anymore where I am not free to be who I am. You just have to know your surroundings and the people you are with and to make educated decisions.
4. Alcohol. Alcohol became one of my biggest crutches. It gave me the confidence I needed to be someone I wasn’t. I was never a good drunk because always the person I was running from was always the one who would come out to play. She was the one who was wounded, hurt and on a mission to make others pay for the mistakes of her past. It’s no wonder why I would drink to black out because I really, truly hated who I had become. I had no drive, no ambition to try and make life better. I accepted the fact that I was destined to live in a dark hole. You know the last time I drank like that was the night before my first date with my husband. I almsot had to cancel our plans because that is how sick I was. It was embarassing to make that call from my bed (I was so happy to wake up there as I had no memory). Where most men would have moved on to the next because of all that drama my husband came over right away with two different juices and sat with me until I was in a better state to go out for dinner.
5. Let somebody else believe in you to you do. I was always honest with my husband about my dreams and aspirations. I convinced myself and him that I was destined to be a star someday. He came into my life right when I needed somebody the most. The parade of one date wonders was never ending but in my husband there was something different. It was like he saw me as the girl I was before all the abuse happened. He never once shyed away from me or tried to change anything about who I was. In fact he helped bring her to the surface. he was kind, patient and understanding as he watched me study for hours on my new life path. It never crossed his mind that I was anything else then a determined, driven women destined for success. To have somebody see the best in you when at times it is hard for you to say is the game changer I needed. I began taking risk that I normally would never consider. It was like he became my armour. It is a funny thought to consider if you have read my blog posts about our marriage. No relationship is perfect nor should it be. Perfection leads to an idle mind, and idle minds can lead you astray. I know in the world as we know it alot of people can never understand how I went from being a self serving independent women to one that is happy to sit at home and care for her family. The thing is even on one income we are still doing better if I was to to go work. I love my new role as housewife, mom and Pin-Up enthusiast. I have to include that because my husband still supports every crazy, zany idea I dream up. I mean he is the one that supports my dreams of doing a Pin-Up Cross Country Tour (I am excited for next year when I do the same in the US). He also is the one that encourages me to do my fundraising and to set up my non profit.
You really do have to fake it to you make it and not let anybody deter you. I can tell you that you are worth it and there is something deep inside of us that will sing when you let it out. We are all meant to walk different paths in this life and it is Ok to take your time in finding out what all that means. I mean it took me 4 decades to get to a point where I finally feel free from the past. It took alot of soul searching and self discovery to get there but I promise you it will all be worth it. Ask yourself what haunts you from your past and hit it head on. Watch how fast your World can change, this I promise you.

night building forest trees
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One Comment Add yours

  1. Om Prakash Khare says:



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