It Must Be Fate!

FATE: the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do : DESTINY (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fate).
Can we control our fate or does our destiny intervene and takeover? Just as being in the wrong place at the wrong time for some is the right place at the right time for others. One can not deny that our fate is inevitable bit can we control it? By making better decisions does that lead us out of harms way? Who determines what better decisions are and the same mantra rings true what is a good decision for one is not a good decision for all. Maybe that is where our destiny comes into play.
I do believe that we control our destiny in some shape or form. Of course that has to be true. I didn’t get up this morning and slam a bottle of Captin Moe’s or any other physchadelic stimulates. But that choice for me is far different from the alcoholic whose body needs it in order to survive. Taking that drink will keep them alive so all of a sudden that does become a good choice. But after the first drink after your body returns back to normal the choices you make after are what counts. I have never been that dire of a situation. Yes when I was younger I LOVED to drink. At the time it felt like it was the band-aide I needed to just get up in the morning and deal with life. Being sober was just the heartfelt realization that I was never going to amount to anything. I mean being a young girl who already experienced her first abusive relationship, sexual trauma and back stabbing friends pass me that tequila to drown my sorrows…shot fired.
I have heard every bad word used against me. I was a terrible person and worse yet not really a good friend. My attitude was the World owed me for what they took from me so if people didn’t like me I didn’t care. I had a dry sense of humour that most didn’t understand. Some were able to see through the armour I put on and those people I am so thankful for. They allowed me a glimmer of hope that just maybe I didn’t have to be that person that I was marked as. Maybe with enough hard work, dedication and education I could see the damage I was causing. Sometimes in life I think fate has to intervene. Like a slap in the face I got mine. It seemed unreal at the time and it takes alot to aborb the energy that is coming in from all sides.
Fate had to intervene the night that me and my son were spared. I mean another mother just passed away from exacctly the same thing as I. My blood type was 0 negative there was no more of my blood on hand. My son already had no heartbeat. There is no reason for me to just be. Trying to find out where I went for those 12 minutes I had to look within myself. It was the only true constant throughout my who life. My existence. Why? My heart hurts knowing that some of us don’t get that luxury for a second chance. The only reasonable explanation that I have is it’s my destiny to true and leave a positive impact in the World.
After my son was born and my World increased in size I knew that no matter what I had to be better. The friendships that I kept had to be held in the highest honour as well as the relationships I have had with family. Nothing hurts my heart more than trying to mend a bridge that I had knocked down in mere minutes with who I was before. I lay awake at night crying over the relationships I sacrificed for no reason. My reality is I was that person. There is no reason for any exscuses just accountability and that is what and who I try to be now. We all have it within us to be that person we so wish we were or dreamed we were when we were kids. The only person to get to that person is to eliminate all that garbage we piled over top of her (or him). Maybe that is why I have chosen to share as much as I do. It is not so much for me but for my son. I want him to know the truth no matter how ugly it seems. I want him to know that it is never to late to rewrite your destiny. The path youchoose today can be completely different then the one you choose tomorrow. What needs to be consistent is the truths you tell and the honesty you carry in your heart. So without further aideu here is a little storey about fate that will paint me in an unfavourable light but maybe it can help mend the guilt I carry in my heart for two people I had no idea existed.
This happened long before I met my husband. Well in retrospect I just found out all about this last year. I feel like this is holding me back from my husband. He sees me in such a light that it would suck if it did dim but I can’t go on pretending like this didn’t happen. Just like I can’t be the only person that knows. Mistakes happen, this is a VERY small world and in reality it just goes to show you that maybe fate intervened with this plot twist. If you read my previous entries there was the one about the guy who made my insides feel like they were on fire. I mean I for over 10 years thought this guy was the one I was going to end up with. To say I loved absolutely everything about him is a crazy understatement. I convinced that if we were together there would be nothing on Earth that would ever stop us. I felt the connection between us what that strong. Every time he stood me up I thought it was because the World was not ready for what we could accomplish. I mean he stood me up alot. And foolishly I let it go on for way to long. We both had been in relationships and were never single and he told me that the reason why we couldn’t even hang out was because the electricity was to much.
We still talked everyday and he always felt like he was home. A piece of my heart was always with him even when he treated me pretty sh*tty. He invented ghosting because he sure was a master at it. I even told myself when I married my husband (the other guy had dissappeared again for a few months) that buy saying I do that meant I don’t forever to the other one. For simplicity sakes let’s call him Ted. I even went as far as blocking his number because who does that MIA’s for like months, only Ted. By the way yo have to remember back then I was all out of my head. You can ask my bestie she will tell you. At her advice she got me hooked on Gossip Girl. Amongst all the pot smoking and tea drinking I was convinced that my Ted was the equivalent of Blaire’s Chuck. I know right? I am even obsessed with New York because of it. So all the games in the world made sense if I fit them into the what would Blaire do and the answer was always anything for Chuck. Looney Toon crazy. You know what they said about the one who got away right? We had one 7 hour passionate make out session and when we were both completely naked and were about to do the deed I simply said no. I said no. I tried to honour that douche that was in prison. Let me give you some advice ladies if the man of your dreams who sets your soul on fire is naked in front of you let it happen because I have regretted that no every day of my life.
Enough with the back storey on that. The last summer I spent in Vancouver I had that criminal boyfriend in prison, the man of my dreams that I was buying drugs from (I don’t OUT OF MY HEAD remember lol) and then there was Greg (not his real name but had to change it). What I liked about Greg is he just put me at ease. He had this natural ability to just make me feel calm. I told him all about my boyfriend in prison and the one who got away. Every time I got stood up by my dream guy I always had Greg. No matter what was going on in his life he always made time to be a part of mine. He knew where he stood with me but I loved being around him. He made me feel like a woman in every sense of the word, well except for sex. That did happen though months later. Long after my boyfriend got out of jail, cheated on me, went back to jail and right before my boyfriend lit our apartment on fire. You see having my boyfriend behind bars left the door open for Ted. I thought for sure he was going to show up that night. When he didn’t I got so wasted and pretty high that I finally called Greg. One thing led to another and of course we finally did. All I know is that we did end up doing it. I have no idea if it was any good. Within days I left for Alberta so it really didn’t matter right? Or did it?
You see after I finally said I do to my husband Ted resurfaced. He said all the things that I was waiting my whole life to hear. He told me he loved me and the main reason why he kept his distance was because he was scared. I fell for it hook line and sinker. All there was were words. Not even sexual words he knew that I was married and had a child and he sincerely seemed like he wanted to get to know me and eventually my husband. I don’t know what made me do it but I one day on Facebook Greg popped up. Scrolling through photos reminiscing about the summer there was a photo I will never forget. Tedd and Greg in a photo together. I read the caption. They were brothers! BROTHERS!!! I couldn’t make it up even if I tried. The man I used for a distraction was the baby brother of the man that I adored. I was shocked, horried and confused. Thinking back on conversations all the signs were there. Once I made the connection and confronted the brothers neither really acknowledged the situation. Actually none of them ever talked to me again. I had no idea on any of it.
So how is that for fate and divine intervention. With all the trouble that my marriage is in I can’t rule out the possibility. I can tell you how I feel right now. I could never hurt my family in that way. Everything changes though in the heat of the moment and when an argument happens. Sharing what I have now it feels like maybe some of that dirt has washed off of me. It is such a strange thing to have happened but just goes to show you how much I truly have changed and why we should all try to live as sober of a life as possible. The smartest thing I have ever done was give up the hooch. Now if I can look past the guilt of how selfish all of my actions have become. At least my destiny is very clear, everything to this point and in the future has always brought me to my husband. Maybe it is time I focus and honour that bound. It must be fate!

adult beautiful blue bouquet
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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