***before I begin please remember this is just a fictional piece. Their maybe hints here and their of my life or maybe a few others. Writing for me is just a release. Being able to transport myself into a world that is unreal is may way to keep my mind healthy and active and in doing so sets me free.
Taking a sip of my second ice cold beer I life to myself. Part of the reason why I liked being in this marriage was at some point I felt like he idolized me. I was spoiled and granted almost every think I said I wanted. Now sitting hear watching Cars while my husband snores do I even need to mention how annoyed this makes me. Let me tell you ALL the ways …let’s begin.
My husband works very hard. He’s everything my father was. He is incredibly proud of his family and wants to give us everything we want. Yes I shop alot but it’s only because he never ever says no. It’s like I keep on pushing hoping that maybe somewhere I will cross the line and I will get some other emotion than being annoyed.
It doesn’t matter what I seem to do it just seems my mere existence just annoys him. Today I got up excited to see him as it’s been 2 weeks since I saw him. When I think of my husband he’s just this perfect man I always dreamed he would be. He’s super sexy and all he has to do is enter the room and I sm immediately turned on. No matter what gets done in the course of the day nothing captivates his attention.
I wasn’t sure what time he would be home so I cleaned all day to make sure everything was perfect for him. I set my hair the night before. Planned a perfect outfit. To say I looked like the perfect 1950s housewife with the perfect house…I was feeling pretty excited to see him after all this time. You know what they say some things are just never meant to be. Well this is the looming feel I get when I think of a loveless future. It’s easier this way. My heart is already broken into thousands of little pieces. If you have to live broken it’s best to do it with little or no impact to others. Being as it apparently is just me suffering I guess I will try to make do.
There are so many benefits to not being driven by lust. Your mind is free to challenge itself in a way that most stop doing once graduating high school. Taking pride in my role as mother also helps alleviate the void that comes when ones husband forgets to pay attention to his spouse. My days are full but not in the ways that I had thought. I spend my days raising and loving my son, appreciating all forms of life and trying to find gratification in my life for helping others. Sometimes though when desires take control I do notice that loss of intimacy. When those feelings take over it is hard not to feel ashamed or dirty. It’s like all those emotions flood back from when I was a little girl and I feel this incredible shame desiring over my husband in this way. I mean I take pride in my ability to transform into a sensuous being but is one really sensuous is no one desires her?
When people talk about a woman hitting her prime in her 40’s I can’t help but wonder if I am missing out on something. In those moments after being constantly ignored my mind wanders. I think about the possibility of being with somebody else. The idea both excites me but also fills me with fear. There are so many horrendous stories about how people treat each other. Within these 4 walls it is our sanctuary. Our safe haven. You see it is rare we invite anybody over as we try to keep the energy here positive. I have watched enough Web of Lies of Investigative Discovery to know not everything is at appears. This leads me down the rabbit hole of thinking that maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Maybe this is a natural progression in life? Is it unrealistic to think that one can have a healthy sex life in today’s times? The idea that I would even consider an affair would tell you that we may be in some serious trouble. But the thought…
I try and imagine the ghosts from my past as I contemplate whether or not this might be an activity I can engage in. Maybe a pro’s and con’s list is in order:
- PRO: I would be sexually satisfied and maybe not so uptight there is only so much one gal can be responsible for on her own.
- CON: There are old wives tales saying you lose your MoJo when releasing yourself just for pleasure. Will I lose my joy for other activities as I start to make room for sex.
- PRO: Having that feeling of being wanted and desired.
- CON: There is a fine line between being used and being desired.
- PRO: By recycling somebody from my past I have the peace of mind that they are relatively good.
- CON: How good can they possible be? We broke up for a reason right?
- PRO: With somebody new there is that whole excitement of getting to know somebody again.
- CON: Can you ever truly know anybody these days. It seems everybody lies especially those with something to hide.
I could go on and on just so I have these teetering of indecisiveness that I could literally push into the direction that I want to go in. My spiritual advisor mentioned that my grandmothers had a hand at keeping unsavoury characters out of my life. Could that be true? Could this be the reason that I feel like I am dancing in limbo. The biggest con in the whole entire world is that I do firmly believe that nobody could love our child the way my husband does. So then we are free to ask the question is our child’s happiness worth more than our own? I think in the short term the answer would be yes. It is not like I am walking around dead inside. I have found a purpose that stimulates my soul. I wish that I could say the same for my relationship. Maybe that is the key. Maybe in time somebody will sweep me off my feet and open my eyes to a world that I am just in the process of getting ready for.
There is a lot to be said for the opportunities that have been given to me. I remember when I first read The Secret and then had to revist it in Seconday School. I never really truly believed that the answer and key to all that would make me happy would boil down to the print within those two hardcovers. The power of positivity sure does make an impact in ones life. And it is consistent positive energy that will get your results. You may have to change everything about you or maybe even just a small fraction. I know how incredibly scarey it was for me. I spent many nights awake on Facebook trying to captivate the attention of anybody that seemed to have wanted it. That has always been my underlying tone to everything I used to do . I had this desire to have somebody want me. My biggest fear was getting involved with somebody and chasing them away. Maybe that is why it is so hard right now. Here I have a man who claims that he is attracted to me and tells me he wants me…actions speak louder than words I want to actually FEEL that energy between two people. They say depression comes from living in the past so if I am not too careful I am going to see that that freight train is only a couple stops away.
I try to keep myself busy with planning stuff to get me out into the community. Partly because I don’t want to get bored, my son needs the stimulation of other people and children and ultimately so I can keep relevant. If one holes away for too long the very essence that they have been trying so hard to build and maintain will become destroyed. For now I will sit under my thundercloud and decide what I am going to do. One thing is for sure is I will have to try and find the silver lining in each and everything I do. I also have to be careful to not push good people away as I so often do when it seems like things aren’t going my way. I know the time is slowing nearing when I need to make a decision but maybe not for another few years. My desire for change also stems from my desire for my child to have a positive, healthy and awesome upbringing. If the first 5 years are pivotal in their development then I must make sure I give him the best fighting chance to make it in this world.
Diary, I wish one day I would open up the pages and see the words of advice I so desperately need. I look for the answers or secrets love, living and happiness and so far I am no closer to the truth. If wishes can come true the only one I have for today is that love will find me. I guess it has in the arms of my son. When that toothy lil boy smiles and me and mimicks my laugh there is no better thing. We have a roof over our head, our bellies are full and so far we are satisified. We bring alot into each other’s World. I remember during the worst break ups wishing that I had somebody to comfort me. I should count my blessings for him. If all that I ever am is a mom to my beautiful baby boy then I would consider this a life well lived. Everything else pales in comparison to the day I got to bring my best friend home. I am excited to explore and uncover all the secrets in this World. Together we can move mountains so I best be prepared for that day when the questions start and my real role as teacher begins. For some they never get to know the beauty of this life that I have been so blessed with. So today after all my daily tasks and goals have been completed I will give my son an extra squeeze. Cuz in this moment Diary, I just feel mad. Maybe not so fed up or maybe it is dissappointment. In myself, in my husband for being misled but I also feel glad. There are no bigger joys in this world then seeing the ancestors that you once loved and lived for smile back at you in the eyes of your child. I see my dad in everything he does and it makes me long for and miss my Dad in ways only a parent can imagine. I am lucky to know this bond between a parent and child. It is the most wonderous and incredulous feelings that one can imagine. From the day I laid eyes on him I knew my life was about to change. I had no idea how great it was going to become. So in the off chance of feeling completely dilusionally and lost I will stay put for now. I will remember each every smile in my moments of weakness to just strive to be the best that I can be.