Why I Chose to Believe in Myself

As I sit and write yet another post that some maybe be interested in and some not I ask myself why? The answer is simple: If something ever happens to me my son will never forget who I am. I feel there is value in the wisdom that I have.  I want to capture the moments in life where you finally like who you see in the mirror.  There was a time where I only liked the superficial made up me.  The size 2 with waist long hair.  At that time my appearance was all I thought I had.  But it was tarnished by my attitude and my lack of respect for the World. It’s funny really. A new breath of fresh air was breathed into me the moment that boy took his first breath. His energy and smile is intoxicating it is an honour to be his mother and be present in his life. For the days, weeks, years…whatever that time may be, that unspoken bond will never be broken. There truly is nothing like a child’s love. For those who haven’t been as fortunate or as lucky as me I take my role as mother and protector very seriously.  I know some amazing women who would make outstanding mothers but their life destiny must have bigger plans for them.  In this I write another day.  A reflection of my inner most thoughts and feelings on a variety of topics. As well for some important people and dates in history that will serve as a reminder for all those that want to be reminded.

There was a time when I was basically living in squalor. It wasn’t even a mattress on the ground. It was a holy probably urine soaked mattress to the side of the room.  A small tv played on a milk crate with the House DVD’s playing on repeat. You have to have hit a real low point to think that living like this was idea. You know what won me over though.  The way these people made me feel. They knew how to manipulate a situation and brainwash you to make you feel special.  The reality is I was one of many and the lies. We all have those moments in time when you look back on it and cringe.  Seriously, LIKE SERIOUSLY, why did I think it was ok? We finally got kicked out of there for not paying rent. Surprise, surprise. I have never felt so low in my life.  Not to mention I lost my job because I somehow thought laying in bed all day smoking cigarettes while the boyfriend hustled was the ultimate.  They somehow gave me severance pay.  Can you imagine? I was that bad they never wanted to see me again 😦 Whatever because of how they terminated my boyfriend showed me how to collect EI so I can sit at home with him. That is how life is supposed to be.  I am telling you all of this back storey to get you to BELIEVE!!

If I didn’t believe in myself nobody else would.  I have been there done most. I may have been a somewhat alcoholic (cocaine was more my style though. I couldn’t handle the hangovers). There really is a point in your life where you just can’t handle it anymore. The roller coaster of emotions has hit a new low.  In fact it wasn’t even moving anymore.  Looking around you have to believe that you can do it. We can all laugh and think that we don’t have any power to manifest anything but at times I really feel like I did.  It doesn’t really matter how you come to that fork in the road as long as you do.  Even now I talk to a medium (I absolutely love and recommend her by the way) she knows things that she couldn’t possibly know.  I am serious on this! My husband likes to tease me saying that she’s taking me for a ride.  I tell him that even if she does it’s the best $15 well spent.  She get’s me to believe in something more than myself.  The idea that the people I miss the most are somewhere out there still loving me and cheering me on is a message I will welcome again and again.  It is way better than any drug or alcohol. I tell him don’t know it till you try it right? We all believe in different things but that is why you need to believe in you!

Tell me if you truly don’t think you are a winner or worthy of a life better than what you have how will you ever get it? People by nature have trouble believing in anything so if the one person that knows you best (you!) than what hope do you have right? Like fake it to you make it! I owe this mantra to one of my first personal trainers. Even now (almost 10 years later) I can still hear her voice.  She is hands down by far one of the most postive ladies I know.  She is a true testiment to manifesting your own destiny.  She had haters, she had lots of moments in the shade but it never affected her core. To have her as a role model even all these years later is a blessing in itself.  She chased her dreams and caught them and not too many can say that.

We all have these dreams and some of us are too scared to chase them.  I am at a  point where I would be too scared not to try.  I am constantly thinking there must be another way.  Nope I am getting on by this roadblock!! Ain’t no mountain HIGH ENOUGH! I have gotten a ton of inspiration from people in our history.  I have taken a passion to reading about the lives of others and the obstacles they faced and overcome.  There isn’t a person worthy of remembering in history that hadn’t overcome something in their life.  I think it is amazing to see how they lived their lives.  Especially when times were so different.  I don’t see how I can justify a pity party when life has become pretty easy in some senses.  Life is just as difficult if not more so if you take into consideration politics, human rights, racism etc If anything these times are scarier only because the effectiveness of our weapons are so much more advanced.  Or maybe that makes it worse? There is no risk of infection and death would be almost immediate but so unnecessary for a civilization that is so far advanced.

Maybe that is the problem.  We have become so far removed from our animalistic side that we have forgotten who we are as human. The lack of human compassion that seems to have been removed in some offsprings is alarming.  I know you see it.  These kids killing kids have zero emotion for anything.  They are so far removed from reality that violence is the only way to feel anything.  But even apon the final act of complete devastation they feel nothing.  No remorse, no human feelings this is the worst type of human one can ever imagine.  The lack of being able to feel anything creates this. But the government is not to get off easy. These are the ones who nurture it.  Who hide it and let it breed because kids killing in this way is far easier to explain then a government order to do just that right? At least this way you say and do nothing and this “problem” you declared will take care of itself.

The most important reason why you need to believe in you is because you need you.  In a World full of billions it is so easy to feel obselete.  Without positive energy coursing through your veins it is hard to stay on track. You have to keep on believing in your dreams and find ways to make them true.  As you start to work your way towards them they will evolve and manifest into this beautiful new life (let’s say renovated). My directional path changes on a day to day basis.  I always have a core set of goals I like to accomplish in my day.  I always make time to play my violin, read, and write.  You can’t improve on where you are in your life if you don’t invest the time. I have become incredibly more efficient it seems in life too.  I have found a routine that works for me.  All 3 activities to be done while Schmoo poo naps. For all spare minutes in the day its all about cleaning and tidying as we go and playing with my son.  We love to read and dance and make music too.  Right now he has this singing and dancing Poo emoji that he plays the tambourine with SO CUTE

Have I mentioned to never use the word fail.  Nobody really fails at anything unless they are just not trying.  As long as you are putting in any effort you will get a reward back.  I work in the areas that are important to me. Work smarter not harder right? Alot of people like to define who I am by who I was in the past.  I get it I kinda really hate her too. But what do you want me to do about that? I think the point of contention here is everyday I am growing, evolving, becoming a better woman.  I just didn’t stop my life and chalk it up to I am a failure.  I took a hard look at myself and said I could do better.  I was worth better.  You can’t expect a hand out so you might as well get your hands to work.  Life was never meant to be easy because where would the lesson be in that.  As we continue to evolve as a species the lessons will become each and more unique with hints of similarities entertwined to only be understood by us.  Only us can define our own destiny.  Don’t mind what others think.  I have learned long ago you can’t control others thoughts.  Well ok you can but I am trying to gain control of my life and the idea of being that involved with somebody else’s is utterly exhausting. We are all beautiful disasters come together to make a unique piece of art. There is no way we could ever expect to follow in anybody’s footsteps.  The idea that we are not good enought as we are to be who we are meant to be is ludacris.  Only you can tell you when your dream is over. Hopefully that day doesn’t come until you take your last breath.  Anything you can dream about doing is worth the risk.  Live with no regrets and desire nothing. Free your mind of the negative chains that encase you and let your true spirit set free!

adult backlit dream catcher girl
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

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