It has been awhile since I say down and really reflected apon my thoughts. My #1 drive is to always be a bit better than I was yesterday. Challenging my ways of being efficient and being unique in each and every way. At times it gets somewhat lonely if you allow those negative thoughts creep in. I keep pretty busy here on the homestead. I am planning for 2 to 3 pageants deep.
And the criticism that comes with such an indulgent extravagant way of existing. I just like to reflect on the outside how I feel on the inside. Also at times even though there are how many billions of people in the World you have to carefully confide in those you trust most. I don’t really have too many deep roots out there out anywhere it would seem. It’s funny how it’s easier to confide what troubles you most because the opinion of a stranger doesn’t matter. And either should your friends if your company is right.
I have felt cocooned out in my lil sanctuary of being a new homeowner. It has taken almost a full year for ot starting to feel like home. It’s just a super surreal feeling having everything finally begin to settle into one place. I have been holding my breath sometimes waiting for the bubble to burst. But if you think like that for too long then it is more likely too. I think the love and loyalty I receive from my pets and son is a reflection back of me. I am with them 99% of the time. Even our walks become comical
These are them. The senior and the pup! Everybody knows that animals are a great judge of character so in the absence of true friends at least I am entertained.
Growth can be seen as turning your back on you past. I don’t think it is that severe. I think we are finally able to forgive ourselves for what ever events transpired and we are fully able to move on. We learned our lesson and we have grown no need to revisit.
I have been having vivid memories of who I used to be. Like an outsider looking in. I can see where there have been many times where I have made a ton of mistakes. Ask my ex’s, speed dial was made for me. Somewhere along the line I also become paranoid. That person I was back then was necessary in order for me to make out on this side. No matter what happens to us on a day we can either grow from that experience or waste an opportunity by feeling consummed by negative energies and emotions. It is human nature to want to thrive and survive no matter the cost. We have become so used to wanting to be #1 we do not care who we stomp on to get that way. We don’t have to be defined by those that do not like us. Like a fine glass of whiskey the best ones are aged and properly cared for until the timing is just right. Just to put this into better perspective for you. Did you know that Vera Wang didn’t design her first dress until she was 40 or that Stan Lee didn’t write Fantastic Four until he was 39? If we always listen to that little voice that tries to get us to be happy living life capped off from our true potential. We will always have a twinge of self doubt or is it adrenaline. A poem by Robert Frost best relays the message of choice:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I am still by nature incredible shy. It just might be harder than usual to spot because of the extravagant personna I portray. Being someboy who was never very popular in school all those isecurities like to wiggle into my mind and tell me that I am not good enough. It is almost like you have to have a debate in your head. Good enough for what? To do what? What is your goal? If you can take the time to get to know yourself the opinion of others really doesn’t matter. When I think back by some of the people I hurt along the way I know now it was based on my securities and inability to see past the wall that they may have put up. I know that you can’t succeed without failure and failing is only in the eye of the beholder. You have to take a look and ask yourself why would you be doing this and what do you hope to achieve in doing so?
I could choose a life more ordinary and be content from the confines of my home and associates that I have here. In all my years I have yet to meet a confidante that opens my mind and my heart. My husband would be the closest I have to one. I miss the laughter and comradery that comes when having girlfriends. That is the true light that is missing from my life right now. This is when my mind wonders to the past which is an incredible dangerous place to have your thoughts occupy. To have a girlfriend you can call up at anytime to chat bounce ideas off of. Who knows you and your intentions. Who can help you plan for contests and help accessorize outfits. I miss the banter that a good friend provides. Unfortunately I have yet to find somebody to fit into that mold. Your friend should feel like your soul mate your other half. To force somebody to try and fit into this mold will be a recipe for disaster. This is the number one reason why I have fully embraced my Pin-Up persona.
My desire to be known comes from the idea that if I feel alone than there must be others like me. We don’t have to live in the same towns or even countries to build a support network. We can celebrate each other’s victories no matter where we are in the World. This is where my heart lies. I hear too much complaining be it on facebook status or other social media vices. A facebook post is limited to the company that you have on your facebook. Unless of course you don’t have privacy setting on. Most woman do or at least I think they do. But come to think about I also see alot of complaining about the comments ladies receive on pictures. I think any comments should mean that what you are trying to achieve is being successful even this phenomenom of “dick” pics. I used to get a ton of these unwelcome pictures but after I stopped opening and engaging they just dissappeared. I didn’t need to publicly shame the man who sent them. That would indicate to him and the rest of the world that he got a reaction. Women these days are far to sensitive. To stay relevant we have taken this stance to compiain about everything. I wonder how many of us are trying to learn and teach ourselves on issues that will or are relevant in today’s modern world.
“Those who keep sitting idle and waiting for miracles to happen cannot be a part of the process and hence, their ideas never get any closer to reality.”
So as I think about the message I want to leave the world I am not longer overwhelmed by the mission at hand. First and foremost I know that my journey starts with me. I can control how much effort I put into something. With that I can somehow control my outcome. Take my latest Pin-Up pageant. I dedicated a certain time of every day to practice walking in my heels. To practice a routine to go with my biography. This was a critical step to my success that day. I practiced what I wanted to do to the point when my brain shut off when I was on stage my body took over. Before the deer and the head light look sunk in my body took over. For the first time in all these competitions I have been doing I finally felt like I belonged. I could feel the love from the crowd and the people. Those are the ones I wanted to reach. Maybe the saddest most humbling moment for me was thinking the girls that were my friends didn’t celebrate in my victory. I could see their eye rolls as my trophy was handed to me. Well that adds a whole new dynamic to my feelings. If you can’t feel like you fit in with a group of women change it. We don’t have to fit in with anybody.
My most favourite introvert is Mrs Elenaor Roosevelt. “As the longest-serving First Lady in history, Eleanor Roosevelt is known for her very public persona, entertaining, holding press conferences, giving lectures and even serving as American spokesman in the United Nations after her husband’s death — but she was also thought to be an introvert. Her official online White House bio describes her as “a shy, awkward child, starved for recognition and love, [who] grew into a woman with great sensitivity to the underprivileged of all creeds, races, and nations … her graciousness, and her sincerity of purpose endeared her personally to many — from heads of state to servicemen she visited abroad during World War II.” (https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/08/15/famous-introverts_n_3733400.html)
She’s often quoted as saying: “Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.” (https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/08/15/famous-introverts_n_3733400.html)
And one of my favourite ladies of all time Miss Audrey Hepburn, “I’m an introvert … I love being by myself, love being outdoors, love taking a long walk with my dogs and looking at the trees, flowers, the sky.” (https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/08/15/famous-introverts_n_3733400.html) I think the most important thing we can do is really take the time to get to know yourself. How can you ever move forward and improve on your life if you are making no moves to do so. The Universe wouldn’t know what your desires are unless you put in the work. It has to be woven in everything that you do. And it has to be coming from a good place. Nothing should every feel like it is out of your grasp. We all have an opportunity to be hero’s in our own lives and it is up to us to believe in ourselves so much that other’s have no choice but to follow suit. Be intoxicating, be interesting don’t be scared. Yes you would never fail if you never try but you would never know how great it feels to make a difference in anybody’s life no matter the age. I can speak a million different ways about my husband as most of it is out of frustration. He did give me a second chife at life. He gave me a son a home and a reason to get up and believe in myself. I have this courage that still makes me try. So here I am once agian having faith and courage to put myself out there publicly….If you like my journey so far please like and share this picture so I can become the Pin-Up of the Month! That would be the most amazing gift so far this year. Also why not check out my Facebook Page The Prairie’s Passionate Pinup!