***let me start by saying it seems the world is far too sensitive these days. It’s like we can’t even share ideas or thoughts without offending somebody. Some issues are very serious and if reaching out to people can take away their pain, well I am sorry if I offend any one in the process but some risks are worth it. Some of the information is real and some things are fabricated. What remains the same no matter what you choose is I miss my daddy but some things will never be meant to be.
Not many get to remember their first loves but I do. My Dad was my World. I am not just saying that because he was my hero but in him I found my best friend. There is nothing he wouldn’t do for his girls. Our family dynamic was a little bit harder. My mom had my sister and she was about 3 when she first met my Dad. As little kids we didn’t care. By the time she hit her teens though. We knew we were different my sister never let us or him forget it. A piece of me never really liked her for how bad she was to him. I know it’s not fair but either was it for any of us. All we wanted was to love each other but it was pretty hard. She was very clear on how she felt.
My favourite time of day was anytime after 5! My dad shouldve been home and it was time to play catch. We would play ball until dinner was ready. If there was anything I could change it would be the time it all stopped. I am not entirely sure how it all happened but slowly and over time he would have to stay overnight at work. He would be gone 2 to 3 nights a week. I guess kids are expensive so working more and away made sense.
It was just my mom taking care of us girls during the week so playing catch kind of lost its priority. As did all the after school activities it became to much of a drain on my mom. We stopped most activities and turned it over to drinking and smoking. Well as with any young girl who has taken up growing to fast I ended up pregnant. My dad was furious and I always wondered if that is what broke my bond with my dad. Things have never been the same.
Now as I watch this lil being that is the spitting image of him I am over taken with so much sadness. My dad hasn’t been in my life. Most of it is my fault. I have made some incredibly awful decisions at the expense of my family. All I want is for my Dad to be proud of me again. I would love to feel his arms around me and look at me with pride. It seems though that I have to move on from this idea. The relationship I long to have with my Dad is so far gone. So much trust from both sides have been broken. Not even Mother Theresa herself could ever convince my Dad I am worthy of anything good.
Now ladies this is when I have to tell you it’s time to let go. There is no reason to hold onto the unrealistic expectations you have. My Dad has been hating me now longer than I have been alive. What I did wrong was begged my Dad not to leave me. I cried as he told me he was getting remarried. I knew the Dad I went on vacations with, the man I wanted to walk down the aisle with and even share a dance with was gone.
Now for the sake of marriage I have to stop putting this weight on my husbands shoulders. The way my Dad treated me and abandoned me made me feel if my Dad couldnt love me how could any decent man?
I can remember that feeling of pride one feels when they look up into their fathers eyes. Now I feel so broken cuz I know he’s still out there not caring to get to know the woman I am becoming. As I think back to that soul crushing moment when this divide entered between Dad and Daughter I suddenly realised. That pain of abandonment and failure that I have been lashing out about with my husband has nothing really to do with him. I know there is nothing on Earth that can break that bond between me and my son. And if my own Dad can not want me in his life than how can I expect my husband to think highly of me.
So I guess there it is. I look at my son, the relationships I have built and my drive and determination and realize that my Dad doesn’t define me. He is only a small piece of me that becomes smaller every day. Not because of age but because of growth. The longer I define myself by the person my Dad thinks he knows the longer that definition is true. The reality is my Dad has been out of my life for almost 20 years. When he divorced my mom he also divorced me. I clung to any and every glimmer of hope that he gave. Staring in my son’s eyes I see value in his existence. By minimizing my worth I devalue him too. So I have to let go.
Now my husband. I have been keeping that man at a distance for years now. I have been so scared he will leave me just like my dad. I need to break the chains and believe in a man again. There is no better man than my husband. It is hard to transition those feelings you have towards your dad onto another. My whole life was spent becoming a woman my dad could be proud of. If my dad looked at my like damaged goods how could any man ever see past that. I thought a dad’s love was unconditional I had no idea that that love could be taken away.
My first failure in his eyes was when I left the bank. Does my husband think I am a failure because I stay at home with my son? There are days like any where cleaning may slip. But I try to keep my skills current so I can enter the work force if need be.
When my husband met me he never judged me for who I was. He saw past any gossip that was being said and encouraged me to be who I was. It is hard to embrace who you fully want to be when you have this devil on your shoulder trying to make you believe that who you want to become is unobtainable. It’s like having that Scarlett Letter on you that signifies to the world you will never amount to anything.
“It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual life upon another; each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his object.”
(Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Scarlet Letter)
So now as I sit here starved for the love and affection of a man who has decided my presence in his life has no place. It has never been more apparent how much time and energy I have wasted. My anger and fear of never being accepted and loved for the person I am becoming has caused me to lash out in anger. If somebody like my father can turn his back and act like I never came into this World what chance do I have in winning the hearts of strangers.
As this idea permeates inside my brain I start to realize having a loving relationship with my father doesn’t guarantee a life of success. In fact it is the opposite. The longer I hold onto the man he once was the longer I keep holding myself back. Even though I was drawn to my husband for the similarities he shared with my Dad. It was the hope of maybe having a different ending that drew us together.
By me constantly living a world that doesn’t exist it prevents me from living in a world that does. My family is the most important. I don’t need the acceptance or approval from a man that has chosen an existence without us. I need to focus my energy on those that love us. Any other way will dilute our existence and the amount of love we surround ourselves with. Maybe by eliminating those that are only around to watch us fail maybe that will bring us back into focus and help harness our energy into focus.
I know there are many successful women who dont have the positive reassurance and acceptance of a father figure. I know there are far too many of us that have Daddy Issues and use that weight to help prevent us from truly becoming who we are meant to be. I am tired of the weight. I am tired of cringing at the call display or text screen at his number. He has never started either with something positive. It has even become hard to speak of us name in conversation. I don’t know why. Maybe my whole body runs cold when I think of him because I miss him. I miss his smile, his warm hugs and our talks of nothingness.
With nothing to lose it’s time to grieve the loss of a man who was my whole world. He couldn’t even be present to walk me down the aisle or even attend my wedding without having his dogs present. It is like my life to him never existed. Now the true test is how effective I am at letting go of my daddy issues. I would love to believe maybe there’s a chance he can love me again like on the day I was first born. I know that possibility is like living the lotto. You only get out of life what you put into it so it’s time. Its time for me and my family to come out of the shadows and live a life in the bright sunlight. Life is precious and it’s a gift so more than living in the moment live for each other!
As we all should have dreams that we should strive for I am reaching mine. With not too much support from my family I am still trying to pave my way. I have made it out of 14 girls all over the World for August Pin-Up of the month. Please like the picture and share with your friends!! You can find more of my journey at The Prairie’s Passionate Pin-Up. Thank you for all your love and support xo