***as always my diary entries are prose. Just another way for me to communicate my thoughts artistically to try and leave an imprint on the World.***
I stare at him sleeping than back at my phone. I can hear the murmur of the news just more headlines how humanity is rapidly failing us which makes decisions like this all the more critical. With such horror and disregard for human life all around me it is hard to know which direction I should go.
I wonder how much time we are destined to walk alone and if there is more to life out there than what lies in front of me. It’s more than my life confined to these four walls. It seems the more I leave my fortress of solitude the worse it all seems. I watch as the same people over and over again insist that they are true, genuine ride or die friends. It’s hard to trust anybody so I keep everything in my head. There it twists and ferments into these ideas I never knew possible. Without you Diary I think I may just lose my mind.
My days are spent trying to occupy the space and time. It is hard to do when 90% of your human interaction is with a baby. I wonder if those out living their own lives know how desperately stay at home moms need a friend. Thinking about what that entails I just couldn’t imagine. Giving somebody else enough power that they in fact would have the power to destroy you….some thoughts and ideas are best not to be unleashed.
I wonder if it’s me? Maybe I am just so removed from reality I have an unrealistic idea of the way we should be conducting ourselves in our relationships. Maybe one becomes more crazed as a wondering mind left to it’s own devices will automatically veer to the worst. Take these long hours of my husband…is he really at work or does he purposely keeps himself away as long as possible? The idea that he is waiting till we are more financially stable before showing me any intimacy…am I crazy? Do we need human touch in order to thrive? To survive?
My focus turns to my furbabies. At least in the absence of physical human touch I have them. Can pets be enough to calm our tortured mind? Do we need to be engaged? It is amazing what we can tell ourselves in order to convince ourselves that we are ok. It may seem silly to say but these babes have kept my mind from slipping before. But they can’t give me the type of intimacy I crave.
Maybe this is the punishment I receive for the life that I have lived so far. My reward…the idea of a perfect life on the outside with the inside in inner turmoil. Part of me wants to tell and scream but the scared girl in me remains planted in place. I haven’t moved much since I began occupying this space. It is far easier to watch from a far than to get involved. You can see the little imperfections in each other’s exteriors as the masks that they were begin to fade away. Not many can keep up the charade for long. It’s best to keep your lips sealed and refrain from commenting on anything anywhere.
I watch from the sidelines and once again I convince myself with facts that I would have no way of knowing. My ability to read between the lines is uncanny. I have yet to have one of these feelings turn to be false. Lead with your tummy let your instincts be your guide.
I stare at my husband’s phone. I wonder what’s inside and the type of conversations he is engaging in. Hes not engaging with me. As humans do we need this type of reassurance? I am not sex driven but I know of some who are. Maybe though its possible we aren’t meant to have it all. Nobody is truly happy. We have been conditioned to want more and more. Now my thoughts are consumed with my husband cheating. He spends hours in the garage smoking cigarettes while me and our son play inside. I feel more like his personal live in maid than his life partner. I am tired of yelling at him. He doesn’t notice me no matter what it is I do.
At what point do I move on or do I accept this life? Is this life? Am I being selfish for wanting so much? Thinking back to past loves and what that felt like I know feel like I am cheating. I throw my wine glass at the wall just to feel like theres something in my space. One of my cats let’s out a small meow and my husband rolls over. Is this rejection? Did I make a mistake. Walking over to where my son sleeps I know that he wasn’t a mistake. He came to save me from myself. The Universe does listen and give you what you need.
I used to burn these angel candles when I lived downtown. Instead of going to the bar I would burn these candles into the night and in return they bring you to your soul mate. And now there he sleeps. The only opinion that matters now is his. Whatever may unfold between his father and me he must never know. To love him so purely and with a full heart means doing what is right for him. Yes I know care for yourself first and then your child. I am a constant work in progress so as long as I identify with that then I think we will be ok.
Maybe my husband is just distracted with his work. That can happen right? I shake out of my head that snippet of convo I heard where my husband said his ex reached out to him asking if he was still married? That is where the World is. Marriage is not forever anymore. As much as I want to will it so. How do I answer the question when is it acceptable to walk away? Is it ever? Why have marriage anyways if it is something we can change our mind on later.
I saw on the news that a grandfather murdered his 5 year old grandson. His daughter sent her son to Canada for a better life only to die at the hands of somebody who was supposed to love them. This is our World. We can’t even trust our own bloodline anymore. There is nothing off limits. If the mind can conceive it then we can achieve it. I don’t want my mind to keep spinning onto a darker place. Once one plants then more sprout up like a weed taking over your garden. Just like this ex thing. As much as I want to go through his phone I am not ready to get into the first steps of a full marital background.
This is where I long for a girlfriend. The problem my mind has with a confidante is once again you give somebody else the power to bring you to your knees. There is no loyalty anymore and nothing feels like it’s off limits. My life is pretty content minus the physical component. Allowing somebody else the opportunity to take it all away seems a little too risque. Then where does your mind go? How can you distract it long enough to finish mundane tasks or even just to find the strength to engage in your day. I know the level of cattiness that goes on in the profession I have chosen. It seems most are content making their way to the top with no regard to the collateral damage they leave below.
Our thoughts are our most dangerous weapon. Being able to control those will dictate our moods and lead us in the direction that we are needing to go. Either way I have to decide on what to do about my life. Pieces feel almost majestically and other pieces seem not to exist. Like maybe they don’t belong to the same puzzle. Maybe they both complete two entirely different outcomes. Would it be ok to just rest awhile working on me while I try to determine the fate of my family? How long do I have before its decided if it’s a life well lived or one that is wasted? I feel like I am am finally on the right path and my map and compass work together in harmony. But every once in awhile my compass begins to spin having me question where true North really is.