For Better or Worse

It’s 4:30 in the morning. I am exhausted from the day before. As I listen to my husband snore I just get more and more frustrated. I keep telling myself he works hard it’s ok. But is it ok? It is hard to know what exactly is right in this situation. Is it normal to feel this rejected in a relationship. I feel sadness as I feel lost in the game of life. I wonder if you truly have to be living in harmony in order to achieve true happiness.

I have gone over the top trying to get any sort of feeling out of him. I mean it has to be me right. The sadness I feel spill into the crevices of my heart as I grasp for any indication that he might still care. Relationships are so hard. It is far easier to walk a way then it is to connect with someone. I wonder if the idea of having a complete partner that stimulates the soul is unrealistic. But shouldn’t their be an underlying of mutual respect.

My trying isnt a reflection of the orders he dictates. My decision to listen to what he is saying is my attempt to meet him halfway. The problem is I am the only one who ever shows up. Maybe I am still far too sensitive and I expect too much. Take yesterday for example. I rearranged the living room, family room, kitchen office and set up an outdoor living space. I was very proud of all the work I accomplished. He is always complaining about clutter. And I declutter everywhere. What would you do if you got zero reaction? Its alot of work moving furniture while taking care of your son. Plus I did laundry. I got into trouble once for him having no underwear. Well how do I know to wash your clothes if you keep them in your car? Any time he has been upset with me I have made a mental note to try harder be better. I just want him to be happy and like me.

He will tell you that he does but I can only tell you how I feel. Aren’t actions supposed to speak louder than Words. Right now in this point in my life I don’t have many women friends to chat with. Even if I did I would be hesitant to share secrets. An amazing thing happens when you give people the power to destroy you…given thr power they sometimes do. So now after a 12 hr day of little to no conversation, my baby just points and says this alot I am ecstatic when my husband comes home.

I want to run into his arms and kiss his face but I stay back because of fear. The feeling of rejection is always there. I wait for some sort of acknowledgement that I did a good job. I like him to see that I don’t sit around all day. The only acknowledgement I got was that the garbage was too full. Like a rearranged all the furniture to give us more room. I shampoo’d the carpets, did the litter of 9 cats and two loads of laundry. Do I even exist in his eyes.

I wonder if he ever liked me to begin with. The only thing that has changed is my weight. I am still holding on to the same 20 pounds I have been trying to lose. At night I find myself binging. Mainly because of the marijuana but also cuz I am sad. To wait all day for even an ounce of human compassion is enough for anybody to go insane. The smallest little irritant becomes a major catastrophe. That has to be the hardest part, waiting all day for somebody to come but then get incredibly nervous when they are around.

The idea that my marriage may soon be coming to an end brings my anxiety to an all new high. I have tried communicating my needs and desires. Am I wrong for wanting the human touch? One that is not my sons? I know he works hard but that is all. Most of our fights from me thinking he is too selfish.

I wonder if we would be having the same fight if I was still working. My paycheques were small but I loved the people. When you work in am industry where every woman is celebrated it is hard to be confined to two walls when you aren’t. I don’t know why I am so tired. I feel like if I close my eyes I could sleep for 100 years. I think the last time I got to sleep in was the end of January when I went to a photoshoot. My husband hasn’t had much more either. He is usually up at 5:30 and these days working 7 day weeks. When he finally gets a day off from work I let him sleep in.

I know I should feel blessed that I get to stay at home and raise my son. It is for only such a small portion of time in my life. The joy he brings me is out of this world. I just can’t tell how my husband feels. He tells me he loves me all the time. I just feel selfish expecting it all. It must be normal to always be missing a piece in life. Sometimes I feel once the puzzle is complete then your time here on Earth comes to end. Maybe that is why I stay. Life is a roller coaster ride. Just wish after 3 years of not going anywhere it would be nice to feel like I belong.

My husband doesn’t understand the Pin-Up lifestyle anymore than I understand his job. We both try to tell each other about the others day but it is usually just met with irritation and frustration. I am thankful that this is the extent of our relationship. Both me and my son follow him around like a lost puppy when he is home. We spend a lot of time waiting for him. It does make me feel like we are just in the way.

In moments of deep despair I always have my furbabies. I put my foot down on getting another. It is almost like they are an indication that something is wrong and the new pet becomes a temporary band aide. Dont get me wrong I love each and every one of them I am just at my max capacity for given out more love. I put my foot down. There is no more of me to give and my furbabies deserve lots of love and attention too.

Because I do believe that it is just unrealistic to expect to have it all I have found other ways to preoccupy my mind. Do we always have to sacrifice something in order to feel like it all. Is it social media and Hollywood that has contributed to this expectation? Is it ok to remain until the smoke lifts and a clearer picture is revealed? I mean life would feel perfect if there was some more appreciation and a little more intimacy. I am running out of ideas to make us work. I mean does anybody like to hear that their ex has been messaging them asking for them back? Now I have all these thoughts of her and him. It doesnt seem like I am what he wants. Is it weird that I just keep focusing on me and my family? We aren’t in any danger in anyway. I still do take a lot of pride putting in the work to make my house into a home. So I can continue living in his shadow or I can reach out to cast my own.

The words for better or for worse rings through my head. There has to be a way some how to find our way back to each other. The journey that I am on doesn’t allow me to meet anybody knew. I am to busy trying to get to know myself. Is that the issue? Is it me? Have I sacrificed our marriage because I have become too focused on fixing myself? Is it ok to desire to fix myself. I need to be the type of woman that makes my son proud. He needs to see that hard work and a positive image does pay off.

For all the complaining I have been doing over the course of the years I am still not ready. Maybe I will never be ready. Until he cheats or does something unforgivable that makes me lose sleep at night. I will always hold on. His life like mine has had many ups and downs. He has been kicked down by the Universe but every time he gets up. I know he’s tired cuz I am tired. I am not trying to minimize or defend him in anyway I am just trying to say he is human. More to that he is Male. He has been cheated on, used, abused similar storey line to us all. I know we are all worthy of compassion and a hand to hold. I know loving me dont come easy. I am a true Gemini Russian/Italian. Very head strong and set in my ways. The major difference now is I am a wife and a mom. My family will always come ahead of the needs of my own. I have been lucky enough to be granted them in my life and it is with the greatest honour I live my life to protect and nurture theirs.

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