So tomorrow I am totally getting out of my comfort zone. When I started my journey of self discovery I wasn’t to sure if I was on the right path or not. I think the reality is we are really truly never sure. No matter what are days entails there is always sprinklings of misunderstandings, bad luck, misfortune or misgivings. To decipher the symbolism behind every incident that tries to stall us would be a complete waste of time. I mean there is never a shortage of bad news. No matter how hard we try each and every once of us is globalized. We never have to venture to far to get the validation that we seek. It is right in front of us. It is that other browser opened up behind this one that let’s me know if anybody out there thinks I am interesting. My worth being determined by a whole bunch of pixels and gigabytes…things I do not truly understand. For myself I long for a World where we come together in activity. Instead of the click of a mouse.
My decision to explore the World around me is more than just using Google. In order to create a World that is fitting for my son to live in. For all of our children to live in. It is imperative to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people. To gain a different perspective. A new way of thinking and hopefully some new friends along the way. I do believe that we can create a World around ourselves that feels fulfilling and right. I am convinced the more I get out and try the more likelihood I will have in finding the one person that believes in my vision and will run with it with me. I am surrounded by so much love and safety in the confines of my home but from what I have seen, discovered and even been exposed to I feel that the same isn’t true for everybody. There is a fine line between being humble and being confident and the right mix of both is ideal. Throughout all the greatness that my life has been granted these past few years I am very appreciative of it all. That is where my desire to meet as many like minded individuals comes from. You don’t exist unless you try and you don’t try unless you exist. Maybe it isn’t confidence maybe it is courage. It takes courage to walk into a room where potentially you know nobody. Now I am travelling 1,400 miles to tell my storey and share my journey in the hopes that they will want to share the same with me. Our lives have more meaning if you we can share our stories. My decision to have it centered around a pageant isn’t for any other reason other than I know that my experience with travelling and meeting a whole group of new woman has been an extrememly positive experience.
I have anxiety. I fight it everyday. I try to fit so much into everyday that I try not to focus on it. I love to worry about everything and anything that you can possible think of. I am incredibly insecure and terrified of travelling by myself. Trying to not focus on the fact that I am about to enter another country. So many people are incredibly biased aobut what everybody says and does. It is hard to have any sort of comfort when I think about take that 7 hr flight with a layover of an hour. What if I disappear? That has happened before hasn’t it. When I think about all these crazy (but are they reallly thoughts) thoughts I know that this is just the main reason why I need to do this. Am I scared of driving a car for a pageant that is 1.5 hrs away from where I amy staying? Of course!! I am terrified of the 7 min drive from the aiport. The reason why I have to is I know what my life feels like if I keep down the same road. Since my son was born I made a decision to live a life that was going to mean something. That maybe somehow in someway I can make a difference to somebody. I want to bridge the gap between all the little Pin-Up communities. I want to pave the way for others to get outside their box and embrace that person inside of them that makes them smile. I was that girl who went to shy camp. My fear of people and making friends has always sat inside of me since I was a little girl. I have always been terrified of not fitting in. Maybe it’s because I never really have. I tried so many different things, styles you name it to fill the void. But it was always somebody else’s different styles, somebody else’s things. I mean when I entered the contest for Pin-Up of the month for August (check it out on The Pin-Up Registry) I asked everybody. The reaction from my ex’s was that I really let myself go. At a time when I felt pretty proud of who I was becoming I had a few narrow minded trying to cut me down. It is hard to look in the mirror and see my reflection. I have wrinkles where my skin used to be smooth, I am still holding on to about 20 extra pounds, I have cellulite…I am older. I am aging. We all age. I am getting used to my reflection not validating who I am as a person. I was never popular ever for my looks. The idea that I was holding on to a youthful identity that not too many care for is kindof humourous to me.
Where some see me as letting myself go they have really not taking the time to get to know the person I have become. My weight means nothing when I think of the ways I have grown on the inside. To me it is more important to be the reason why somebody smiles. To go above and beyond for those who others might not. To strive to see the good in each and every one of us. Being humble is actually one of the best feelings I have ever acquired. I was first exposed to this in its full glory this summer. It was during a pageant where I did not make top 3. Where others may have felt sad I felt a great sense of pride. I had been a part of their journey and had an opportunity to share in their successes. It felt great to have friends that were living out a dream. It was such a great feeling like I belonged. That is what I am searching for when I go off and compete. I want to be able to explore the treasures that live inside of each of us. I want to feel a spark that we get when we meet somebody new and everything just clicks. That is where confidence comes in. I am confident in the sense that I feel like I can adjust and adapt to any situation. I am old enough to have experienced many types of people so I think I can handle it. My goal for the weekend is if I can get up on that stage and look down at that crowd and smile I know that I must be evolving into something great.
I never imagined my life would have taken the direction that it continues to grow in. I can’t help but feel thankful for the book 7 virtues. That sparked the fire I needed inside of me to live a different life. I had no idea that you could redesign yourself. I thought for the longest time just like in everything we had to conform to the idea of who the World wanted us to be. I strongly suggest reading a biography of somebody you admire. Somebody from a time where life wasn’t that easy. It is incredible to think that some people established a life of so much greatness from not only a tragedy but from a World that we will never be able to fully appreciate or understand. When all else fails always be humble. Our existence is no more important than anybody else’s. Life has been granted to each of us. We control the direction in which we lead or if we are content in just following. When I close my eyes I can see a path unfolding in front of me. Without questioning I keep on walking down it. I appreciate the moment and I honour the past I am most excited for the future as I journey down the unknown.