We all have dreams. Dreams that somehow get confused by wants. We fail to embrace the simplicity in each day because we believe that we have to prove ourselves to the World. We live in these bubbles designed to keep the pains of the outside World out. We feel entitled but don’t know what we feel entitled to. I mean sure each of our individual lives are most important to ourselves. They have to be. We need to nurture our souls but the food we need to nurture ourselves is tainted. Tainted with memories, haunted by ghosts from the past. Our lives lose all meaning if we fail to connect with each other.
Friday I embarked on a journey. A journey of not only self reflection or discovery but also with the eagerness to make a connection that stimulates my soul. I am an incredibly awkward person. Always have been. I let my insecurities make the best of me. Being shy also doesn’t help. The World has become a place where we keep within our bubble. We are told that the enemy will destroy us from within. That is the fear that prevents us from living and lovking unconditionally. This can’t be life. How is this hamster wheel supposed to be our lives. I have this desire inside of me to reach as many like minded individuals as possible. I can’t be the only one who thinks like this.
They say you need to experience great pain before your destiny is revealed. I used to think by entering these pageants that if I didn’t place top three I failed. I have only made top 3 twice. By my definiton I was failing. That feeling all changed when I made it to Yuba, Wisconsin population 91.
My decision to enter was just to experience something new. To meet new Pin-Ups and maybe hopefully make top 10, then maybe 3, then who knows. I became consumed with the perfect outfit. I hand designed my shoes, purse, accessories to be en pointe. I practiced my questions. I was nervous but ready.
Arriving at the airport to check in I found my flight to be delayed 2 hours missing my connection to Madison. There is always some panicking. I felt selfish and awful for spending my families money. I cursed having a dream and just wanted it to be over. This was pain. My first test was not to get angry. I could have easily taken my frustration out on the airline rep. I wanted to. The facts were that my plane was delayed due to really bad weather. Looking up a saw on the news the hurricane. Here I was ready to make a trip to reach others who had a similar passion. There was no weather concerns here. My family was safe and warm where others had their whole lives destroyed or the anxiety of having their whole lives ripped away. Now I felt shame for being so selfish.
As I approached the counter I was ready to accept my destiny. Whatever the will of the Universe I was ready to grow. I was in the hands of the almighty with both of my feet planted on the ground. That is how I found myself travelling in the opposite direction. I was heading to San Francisco to take the red eye to Madison. I wouldn’t arrive to 6am. I then had to get my car rental, find the hotel, and hopefully nap and take the 1.5 hr drive to Yuba.
When I finally arrived at the hotel I had no reservation. Because I booked through a third party they couldnt hold it. It was in this moment I lost it. My phone was at 2% and not holding a charge plus it was virtually useless in the States. I sat with my head in my hands and cried. Why did I think that I could make this journey. I had a desire to learn about more people. To be their light in a dark world. How could I provide light when my world had become so dark. I wanted to hold my son I wanted to go home. The idea that maybe I could become something more than myself caused me to panic. I cursed the idea that dreams could be a reality. I needed my brain to stop dreaming. I begged for some sort of pitty. I was in a foreign state further away from home then ever.
My sobs could be heard throughout the lobby. I had dared to connect with humanity in a way that has become obselete. I made the journey and the Universe was shaming me for my efforts. As the emotional typhoon carried me away I felt the light tap on my shoulder. It was the bellboy. My tears had made him sad and he talked to the front desk. They found me a room. He handed me my keys and I couldnot help but hug him. Yes I hugged a stranger. We fail to recognize the value in human touch. In one minute you can feel like you belong. Touch grounis you in a way that our World so desperately needs.
There is no better feeling then a hot shower and a warm comfy bed. I slept for an hour before it was time. Time to put on my armour and head out into the World. The drive to Yuba was calming and relaxing. There was so many beautiful sites and rich fertile land that all my frustrations melted. Driving through Amish country I wondered just where I was going. I started to panic again. Would I figure out where to go? Would I be late? As I made it over the hill I saw the orange sign first…EVENT AHEAD! I was there I made it! Now where to go to check in?
All you have to do is find the beautifully dressed dolls to know where to go. With butterflies in my stomach I approached a circle of beauties and asked where to go. Once in the community center we all seem to keep to ourselves. We were all nervous and trapped in our heads. I had the opportunity to meet some of the girls before hand. I didn’t want to be distracting so I gave them all space and took them all in. I saw some of the most beautiful women in this community. Not only by their beauty but who these women were on the inside. They were a family and I just that crazy Canadian who made the trip to Yuba.
I learned about this beautiful doll who was gracing the stage for the 6th time. She was always in the top 3 but never crowned. You could tell this Pin-Up sisterhood was rooting for her. Nerves always get the best of us on stage. We all shine in our courage to stand before a crowd and allow ourselves to be judged. I was present when two sisters who were part of the show watched their mom get on stage as well. It was incredible to watch this family bound in this way. She even made top 3! I was there for it. What makes me search for these contests hit me like a ton of bricks. I was witness to a Doll being crowned after 6 years of trying. The whole crowd cheered and cried for her. Rumour has it her dad was in the crowd for the first time.
This is how humanity should be. If not humanity sisterhood. If we can’t celebrate in the victories then are we truly living. We don’t know each others stories but we should. We all want to win but are definition of winning is skewed. I may have not “won” a crown in the traditional sense but I was there. I was there for one of the greatest moments of her life up till that point. After all that nervous energy melted away what I was hoping to find came and found me.
Two Pin-Up sisters introduced themselvea and took me under their wing. They made sure I got pictures and introduced me to so many people. I couldn’t help but feel overcome with emotion. I was told I had courage to travel alone. The truth is I didnt feel that courageous. When asked why I decided on this pageant my eyes filled with tears. My decision to enter was easy. I wanted to make friends. I wanted to expand my horizons and World. I needed to believe that one day I would be put in front of the right people. That the World, my World could be a better place. That it was not only my duty as a woman and mother to connect with otheus and share our stories. It was no longer my place in the World to sit and watch it pass me by. I had to be an active participant in my own life. There is beauty in the simplicity of reaching for the stars. It does not matter on how you reach your destination as long as it opens your heart and your eyes. To accept the World as we know it only devalues us and those that we love. The truth is I may never quiet fit in. I may always have the eyes on the outside looking in. What I did bring home with me is a heart full of the experiences and dreams of a small community known as Yuba. I have not only witnessed but been accepted in to a great lil place that is strong for the love they have in each other. And just for one weekend they light up the night together and celebrate in each others uniqueness in a lil get together known as “Fire in the Sky.”