Nobody wants to be just ordinary. Or at least be defined in that way. Ordinary to me seems like a blessing. You neither stick out or become obscure. You are just there being. Listening, Observing, waiting. Waiting for that opportunity to forever blend within the confines of another being. Just to be let go and forever lost. It is hard to trust. To know which direction to turn. Always lead with your gut. Get to know yourself and listen. In the still of the night when noone is watching you can her yourself guide the way. The more in sync you get to living in stride with your own heart beat the better life begins to sound. Tomorrow is not promised. Not for anyone of us by any means. That is why we owe it to those that we lost to soon to think abbout them often and keep them alive. I know the pain of losing somebody close is unthinkable, unmanageable. At times it must feel like the rest of the World has you by the throat. Choking you in and out of consiciousness. Where are those friends, a warm hug, a strange smile. I would take anything in that moment to feel something anything. Any life taken is a life taken to soon. You can by 2 years old or 90 but the impact that the World feel has no remedy there is always a void when faced to deal with somebody we love.
Pain really is my closest friend. I remember locking myself in my room and listening to the Doors for hours on end. Me and a girlfriend would listen to records and smoke cigarettes, drink diet coke and eat buttered bagels. She was of course tiny and me well I have always had hips. Its the Russian/Italian ancestory in me. We used to sit in that room and just contemplate life. Lenny Krativz, Nine Inch Nails…I remember feeling kind of numb to things. I was still a girl but wanted to be a woman in my eyes. Nirvana eased my pain now as his lyrics spoke to me. I can’t help but wonder if I manifested that part of my life into being. Imagine. I was raped at a young age. Had an abortion. Was rebelling. Yes Kurt Kobain spoke to me. Even when he turned that shotgun on himself I still felt that there had to be a way to feel his presence. I went dark for a while after that. We all regard our heros and crushes in different ways. For me it was devastating. If he could end his life when he had everything. I should probably consider the same. I life for a life right? My attempts at ending it all were nothing short of desperate cries. I knew somewhere somehow my life had to be worth something more. Even after I dated loser after loser I still had faith somewhere my life would turn around.
Life has a way of teaching us lessons. Most we aren’t prepared to learn as they are happening. It is onlly in periods of self reflection that you can see the periods of growth that you had successfully overcome. I learned alot about a lot of different things. My failed relationships seved as a place of hope for others. If I could be 37 with no marriage prospects and kids I could use my mind and positive thinking to make it all to be….right? I read the secret. I rolled my eyes when thinking about rearranging my closet for the man to be in my life. Luckily for me I did find my husband who let me have a whole room for a closet so I think I was never meant to make room in my closet for any man lol. I see so many spin in circles looking for a perfect mate. One that will call them back and make them feel important. The idea that the perfect mate exists is something completely foreign to me. What I have learned in all these years of dating is to invest in a relationship that you think can stand the tests of time. I used to want this lustful attraction. The one that makes you light headed and weak in the knees. I feel that type of love is more for when you are younger. If you are blessed enough to come across it you are so very lucky. For people that are older, we may have just crossed paths. I feel that when lust comes into play it detracts from your true destiny. Lust is a very intoxicating feeling that like a disease takes over your entire being. I know it sounds horrid to say but I do love my husband. The life we continue to create together is one of friendship, respect and of course love. I do question the validity of such interaction without a physical attraction. I have many a conversation of people trying to tell me that what we share is wrong. Everybody has an opinion and we are all quick to express ours. That is the number one problem with us. I have let the opinions of othes reflect the nature of our relationship. It’s like I am constantly comparing what we do together to validate our existence. I need to stop comparing my life to those around me. They should never be comparable. We are all individualistic by our freedom to make choices. It is funny to think though. Imagine if we all conform to the same style of thinking, thoughts, personalities? Oh wait we do! We have all become these social media starved drones that the idea that I should desire on what others don’t understand really doesn’t apply to me does it?
So in my travels the question always comes up…”And what do you do?” Until recently I was always embarassed by this question. I have had the extreme pleasure of entering pageants not only in Canada but also in the US. I plan and craft matchy matchy costumes to fit in with the image that I have created. To me the decision to travel and expose the Pin-Up community as being a welcoming, friendly and passionate place to travel to was important. I needed to share that no matter where you go to in the World all you need to do is find a local event where Pin-Ups are and you will be welcomed. Imagine being a shy stay at home mom entering strangers back yards and literally saying, “Hey you, I see you and not only did I come to play I want to be your friend.” I have chosen this path because I am able to invest the time and energy in order to see it through. I know each and every time I travel somewhere the likelihood of sparking life long friendships is high. That is what we all need. A unique bond that keeps us centered even when the rest of the World is in chaos. We all need the feel of an entity bigger than ourselves. I feel that presence in the community of the Pin-Up/Rockabilly culture. We come together from all walks of lives to celebrate artistic beauty. We don’t come or the entertainment of our phones or for the next profile picture. We come to see family and to celebrate each other. We all win when we are brought together for these weekends. That saying “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” That is what sparked me. If I wanted to find a supportive community I had to keep looking. I had to keep experiencing the artistic eyes and differences that each of us bring to the World. If I only rested my eyes in the World that I have been accustomed to then I would never be able to grow as a person. I have experienced BC and I am experiencing Alberta so it seems natural to have a desire to experience the rest of the World.
My family is always my driving force behind everything I do. Although to some it seems that I may be acting selfish, it is the bigger picture I gravitate towards. All pageants that I have been involved with this summer has a deep connection within me. For obvious reasons my love for the West Coast Pin-ups runs strong. I didn’t meet these ladies until after I discovered Pin-Up. These ladies recognized a fire in me that was just beginning to burn. Being a part of their events and being welcomed into their world was amazing. They also taught me that true friends aren’t defined by distance. You can be apart for months and just like that be in a room like no time has passed at all. My experience with the girls was the first time out of my comfort zone. Me and my family drove the 16 hours just to be there for it. In my attempt to find my tribe I realized that the World was bigger than my eyes coudld conceive. You couldn’t limit yourself to your immediate vicinity you had to explore. To gain in more confidence I particpated in two of their shows in the beginning of summer. One in Chilliwack and one in Vernon. With every pageant my connections run deeper. My laughter becomes more sincere and my smile can penetrate through any shade that is being thrown my way. I had only planned on doing Canadian pageants this year and leave the US invasion until next year but….Sometimes the Universe looks at you and gives you a push! Luckily for me as the crazy cat lady I landed on my feet and found myself driving to Yuba, Wisonconsin. I know, right? I drove in the US solo with no real expectations just hope. Hope in my heart that there is good in all humans and hope in my heart I will find some gentle souls to share stories with. What I found was both. When I finally answered that I was just a stay at home housewife the girls immediately shrieked. “You know that is the most important job in the World? Why do you say it like that.” You already know where this storey is going. As the tears rolled down my cheeks and I got my first hug I knew that this decision to travel and to participate in my life was the right one. I was feeling more accepted for who I was more and more. And as my confidence grew so did my desire to keep reaching out, to keep trying. You never know the hand you might ouch in doing so. Not only might you save somebody’s life you just might end up saving yours. That is worth trying for isn’t it?
photo courtesy of Walter Addie