Diary of madness, diary of hope, diary of utter confusion (and that is alright lol)

Midnight. And Saturday at Midnight at that. I just finished up a batch of skor/coconut pancakes with some Whipping Cream. I may or may not add syrup it all depends on how frisky I end up feeling. The moon is about half and I just think about how this Friday is Friday the 13th. To travel or not to travel. That is the question. We always leave the planning to last minute which….let’s just say it leads to very uncomfortable conversations. He still hasn’t learned to say no to all my craziness so I am really going to have to try hard and not ask.

I know I know there has to be dips right…well we still have that big wide open crevice that no man has journeyed down for a very long time. I do not know if maybe my reality has become my dillusions or my dillusions has become my reality but something does feel amiss. Did you ever just observe yourself from a distance and wonder just who it is you have become. Staring for what seems like an enternity you wonder if you were lying dormant in a mold or if maybe the mold is moving you but something is different. I am different. There are fragments from my past that still linger around me. Like a distant memory or fog rising for the Bow River on a suddenly chilly morning. I mean I don’t really recognize who I am anymore or does it mean that I do not recognize who I was in the past. It is hard to decipher all the messages hidden to us as we live out our lives. Ever since I was a little girl I would put values on certain things like taunting the Universe do you exist? Do you have power prove it to me! If Brian Orser brings home the gold medal for Canada that means dad will have to get us McDonalds for dinner. That’s how the world works right? I always felt that if certain things were meant to be they would just be.

Don’t worry it’s not like I always wanted or asked for nice things There was  a period in my life where I was convinced that others happiness ran parallel with my misery. Oh I have a dead end job…that’s ok somebody else has a better one is living happy. Oh this guy cheated on me and called me names again. That’s ok somebody out there must be living their fairytale. I never expected or wanted it to be me to be happy. I had learn to be content on just surviving. Sure I felt happy (or what I thought was happy). But I was miserable. I loved my vices to control the pain. I thought it was just the way life was. Party, hang out, hang over, sleep it off, work and repeate. That was life right? That was living? I remember thinking that nowhere in my wildest dreams did I ever want to be where I was. I was in a bachelor suite. At 35. No matter how you spin it you really need a winning personality to woo somebody with that kind of record. Throw in never been married, no kids, no career…go ahead say it we are all thinking it…..DAMAGED GOODS!!!

I was damaged and for every loser I dated it I wanted it to be my last. I was desperate for it to be my last. I hung on to duds a little too long. And by long I mean days or weeks. I needed something and it was just not cutting it. I was attracting what I was putting out. I had to start fresh again. All I knew about myself is I loved being outgoing, friendly, coorful and dressed to impress. The only profession I seemed to want was a housewife but I just couldn’t budge on some standards. I still had some. Tells you that I wasn’t at rock bottom yet. I still had a minor bit of dignity that only tolerated so much loserness at once.  Back when I was in college the guys used to tease the girls that were only there for their MRS. I remember thinking that I never heard the guys talking about girls with any other degrees just those ones. I have no idea when I findally realized they meant Misses. They were just looking for the ones that they thought would make good mothers and wives. What the hell happened? I took like a decade or two off just to have fun and it’s like waking up in the twilight dating zone.

The age of the internet, cell phones and everything else took off like wildfire. Pretty much if you were attached by then good luck finding anybody. Some of the strongest relationships I know are of the couples that hooked up during or right after high school. Right before technology nipped us all in the butts. I remember before the days of cell phones if you liked a guy it took some serious work. It’s not like we had facebook we had dial up phones. Trying to find the guy you like on a Friday took some work. First off you have to start laying the ground work on Monday latest Tuesday ask around if there is any parties are get togethers etc. If there is try and see if crush is going. If he is get an invite. If he isn’t find a group of girls that are going out and see if he is hanging out with a group of guys that is going out and see if you guys can casually run into each other. You could do that or what for the next dance or sock hop…thats lunch time dance for those of you that don’t know. Having a crush back then was tough. Factor in shy. The reason why I had bad grades is I worked up 4 years of trying to tell the guy I really liked that I had a crush on to find out he had a crush on somebody else. C’est le vie right! Once high school is over there is College!! And with College comes dorms so if you weren’t in a committed relationship by your first year of college changes are you were not settling down till your very last year.

Technology ruined everythign for me as far as dating went. It made me so insecure. It made everybody so accessible to everybody else. There was no more waiting to tell your crush. They already knew because of the nature of the WWW. It is annonymous. It also lasts forever so the insecurities fester and explode because we are always waiting for constant and approval.  My house is quite. I am sipping a coffee as my boys sleep staring out the window it is now the afternoon of the next day and I am just trying to collect my thoughts. On everything. On one side I am so greatful for technology as it has brought the World right to our fingertips. I am able to connect with like minded individuals participating in activities I love. It has helped me gain a broader understanding of myself. It is allowed me to grow in ways I never thought possible all because I got to connect with individuals I never would have been made aware. So yes technology is good. It makes the World smaller and less scarey.

But it makes the World more scarey too. It is definetly a love/hate relationship. I hate the fact that it is the only way we communicate now. We don’t want to talk on the phone it is so distracting it takes away from the important things in life. I am always so busy. I like to think I am not but it feels like people are always on me. Mainly my husband. I have a routing a schedule I like to follow. Not for any other reason than I am working on myself. I like to keep myself relevant just in case I do need to get back into the work force. I like to keep myself community driven because it makes the community safer for my family and others. I like to share my storey in a way that I think can reach many. Hence my Pin-up pageants and events. My husband loves to let me know how much money I spend. But between you and me I always ask. I realize that he is the only bread winner in the house. He wanted it this way as he wants our son to be raised by me. The compromise I believe should be a weekend or two where I get to celebrate what I love. He thinks that when I attend events  it becomes solely about me. That is not it at all. Yes it is me in the physical going but it is because I am just the vessel. I gave up drinking and smoking and doing drugs to connect with the World. I want my son to grow up seeing me living and reaching for a dream. My dream is for everybody to feel free to live the happiest versions of themselves. Free of ridicule. Free of hate. Free of Prejudice. Just happiness. Rainbows and whatever else the World needs to sing. When I connect with these communities. I take a piece of them with me. I sing their praises. I tell the World all about them and the way they helped me blossom. For the 48 hrs or so that I go to an event I am always on stage. I am a beacon of hope and light that we can all live our dreams. I will be that Pin-Up that will have a bobby pin, pantyhouse, and heaven forbid an extra pair of panties in your time of need. Please don’t ask for any aerosols those are not allowed on the carry on. I want to inspire every mom, sister, auntie, grandma, niece, uncle, cousin whoever needs to hear it that YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! There are times when I don’t feel good enough but I am strong. My storey has been dark, bumpy and all of the above. I just want yout to know that you aren’t alone. So even if my storey only reaches just one. That is the one that matters most. Because you are the one that needed to read this most.

gray tabby cat in brown box
Photo by Tomas Ryant on Pexels.com
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