At times I wonder how this is possible my reality. I thought dreams were just that. When you have them they are there but when you wake up they are gone. Like so many aspects of our lives it is hard to imagine happiness that is truly genuine anymore. We have “friends” gossiping about each other or even worse yet about us. **Head Shake** Yes, Yes, Yes I get it I used to be kind of a b*tch before. I am not saying I wasn’t. But what I have been trying to say is that I am so different. I have zero memories of my past horrible self. Not really anyways. I have these hauntings are brief encounters that I am myself humiliated by that I quickly shun them away. I remember my sister once asked me if I was truly as happy as I seem and when I said yes she assumed I was lying or either on drugs. Here’s the facts. I have accepted the fact that not all of life is these incredible moments filled with rainbows, butterflies and unicorns. It makes me sad just how many people hate glitter these days. Something so beautiful and so pretty just gets in the way you know? These two white holes in my brains just have stopped me from seeing things any other way then beautiful. Dying does that to you. Every extra breath I take I am so thankful for. Every moment I get to hold my son before he screams I cherish. For every moment that my eyes are now open I try to wash away the shame of who I used to be. I have tried to reach out and apologize to anybody I may have taken for granted or hurt. Most people just assumed that I was once again just up to my teenage antics but I have made that peace with that little girl finally. Something awoken inside of me and allowed this beautiful woman to step forward. I would never wish any of you to stay back in the shadows and it hurts alot to see some want to keep me their. I know who I was and it is through all that experience that I can help others reach for a better brighter life.
When something awakens inside of you that has been asleep for decades a few things happen. When good things start to happen and life begins to look up you question everything. Like who are you? Where did you come from? Why are you here? and How long are you staying? You are hesitant and cautious and keep your World pretty small. It’s in this infancy stages that the most damage can be done. You want to love and cherish everybody just like a child would. Your heart wants to but your head is like oh hey hold up wait a minute be careful. Just like you people change be careful. So I shut myself off. Too scared to let my childlike personna get tarnished or hurt I kept her away. I made only appearance and controlled ones at that. I was far too vulnerable in my new role as wife, mom, pin-up, fundraiser, volunteer. You name it. Just like a child I was subject to ridicule and tanting and when that was to happen bring yourself close. Close to home. Close to safety. Close to where you can harness your energy and give that girl some time to grow and shine. Just like a toddler seeing the World for the first time I was seeing them through new eyes. My husband was my protector and provider. He was our strength that kept our household together. I was the glue. I got to play house and dress up just like I always dreamed of when I was a little girl. Before you let your imagination run wild. I grew up on a small farm in British Columbia. I had two sisters, barn cats, usually a dog and my grandfathers cows. My grandparents used to live in the next field over and my Uncle over the highway. Then my grandparents into town and my Uncle took over their spot. Life was good. We were always surrounded by people who loved us. My cousins lived in a town next to ours and our summers were spent with each other. I remember watching my grandpa milk the cow on his lil stool. Only once did I ever see him squirt a kitten. LOL!! My grandma used to turn butter and we used to collect eggs for breakfast. We had one channel growing up and family time was always just that. Whatever family was around was always welcome in. Our doors were never locked they didn’t have to be. Our biggest concern was the coyotes and the occassional bear. Other than that that was my life. Simple, guarded, pure. I was in girl guides, figure skated, played baseball had a best friend. That was all one needed. Activities, friendship, love.
As I gravitate to what I remember and what I know feels good I find this whole new World begin to open up. I read and play my violin everyday, I volunteer with several different community groups. I love to write and engage with my life. I cook, I clean, I decorate and look after the boys, cats, dogs, birds. I found out that I have a love for gardening even though I had no idea I knew how. I play on growing two huge vine window coverings from the plant we first bought when we got this place. I am growing tomatoes but Alberta weather…hold on little buddies!!! I am beginning to see the life in all things around me. I am going to start learning about Buddhism but only after I finish my pile of books on the go. I never would have imagined that this binged out partier who hated to sleep would turn her life around so drastically. I have two books on the go. The JFK Assasination November 1963, and Toni Morrison Essays, Writings and Meditations etc. I hate drinking too much because then I can’t read lol I wish I discovered this passion for exploring others thoughts, dreams and lifes. A whole new World opens up to you. You find courage you never knew you had. You begin to look at life differently when you look through it in somebody’s else’s viewpoint. The sad reality to is that nothing feels as raw as this moment right now. As soon as it pasts although it still lingers it fades. The more you are aware of your surroundings and the feelings and vibrations of others the more sense it all begins to means.
For example, I was supposed to fly to Toronto this weekend to participate in the Miss Cherry Pie Festival. Since getting back from Yuba I have been fast and furiously sewing. (weird I know I didn’t know I could make a pair of Western boot covers, holster, fanny pack, gloves lol) Well airfare is $1300 because we are booking last minute. I love to travel but I have to be realistic. I do not go to win I go for the connecting. The possibility of meeting somebody who stimulates my being. You know when you meet them ( I saw them because the ladies in Yuba had me feeling all the tingles). I wanted to come and celebrate the Pin-Up Sisterhood that these communities have. I want to feel their vibes, their energies what makes these girls get up and think Pin-Up everyday. So the thought of not going to meet new ladies made me shaking a fist. To be very clear if I had decided to spend the money my husband would support me. He has yet to say no. I had to be the responsible matriach of the familly and put my foot down. Hoping to stomp my foot down on some rainbows I connected with some storm clouds and made it rain GLITTER!!! My husband said that if I spent that much there would be NO MORE pageants this year! He bought me a $1000 A/C voucher and that was my limit. I had the bestest idea. What if I could not only fly to Toronto for Miss Macabre on November 9th I could do the Harvest Pin-Up Pageant in Nanaimo maybe for the price of what one Cherry Pie Ticket Would be????? Well ladies its officially official. Dreams do come true!!! So I am BROKEN about missing the Miss Cherry Pie Pageant I have done like so much SEWING and finger stabbing 😦 But for the price of one pageant I am now committed to doing two more before the end of the year! I am able to do both for less. I am booking with ARIMILES for hotels and I just have to decide on SugarSkull or Zombie…thinking ZOMBIE!! EEEEKKKKK!!! I put both of these in the Universe when they were both announced and look at this they are here!!
Your energy is everything. It announces who you are even before you enter the room. We all know that awful feeling we have when the Eeyore of the group enters the room. Now close your eyes and imagine a room full of sunny smiling Pin-Ups. I love meeting my sisters and I am thankful for my new life. There is a chance that I am still dreaming and I am undecided if I want to wake up. So pinch me in the morning as I want one more night of living this dream!