Be careful of the man who makes you feel like nothing in a crowded room. I should know. I am married to him. My smile serves as my protection from the outside world. It keeps prying eyes at bay and it keeps the questions away. I have learned long ago nobody has any business with a dame that smiles. Only the ones that look defeated and broken does the World have a purpose for. My heart aches as I wonder just how long I can do this for. My kitchen is very chilly this morning as I watch the rain hit my windows. My dogs tale hits the legs of my chair and my boy still sleeps. I look around this place and ask myself if my enternal turmoil is worth all this. In one sense life seems perfect. But those are just the moments when my husband is away. Trying to understand why humans hurt each other it becomes infathomable that a husband would wish the same.
To know me is to know that I am incredibly high energy and even though my inner World might be in shambles you wuold never be able to die from the amount of shine I try to exude. I try to set an example for woman everywhere that we are good enough. That the mere effort it takes to drag ourselves out of bed will make the day worth it. From the hours of 5:30am till about 6pm my life is bliss. It is only the minutes that my husband is home that I feel less of a person and more confused than ever. Some days I let my crafting get a hold of me. I read to much, dream to much, have way too many personal goals. I spent my whole life doing nothing. Taking my life for granted. I can see the tools now in front of me and all I want is to live a life where we are all free of torment and ridicule. Mine just comes at me from inside my safety walls.
Crying to me is my safety. The tears wash over me like a wave. At least crying makes me feel alive because for the most part I feel dead. I feel so awful for having lust in my heart. It has been there for almost 3 years. I feel so disgusting that because of who I am and what I have done I am not worthy of something so pure. Maybe this is my punishment. You get to see the resemblance of a happy life but that life isn’t meant for you. I have always been skeptical of those that gain satisfaction from watching you fail. Every contest or event I have ever done my husband has started a fight. He is the worst of all. It’s not like he goes right out and destroys my self esteem but it is like he knows exactly what to say to make me question myself. Imagine being to embarassed to show your husband what you plan to do on stage. You practice you twist, turn, pose, smile. You nail it all you feel good and when you show him he looks stunned like a giraffe somehow just took up living beside him. Any piece of confidence I have is shattered at his feet. My definition of myself has now been defined by him.
Maybe I am overreacting. I don’t get to get out much. I mean he gets mad i I even want to pick up a book at the library. He likes to pretend that spending money on these trips show he loves me. These trips show as a beacon of all the many ways our relationship has ailed. We don’t kiss, we don’t hug, we don’t hold hands. We are two strangers existing in the same house. Since I got back from Wisconsin I planned a photoshoot to celebrate the trip. I arranged the photographer and a venue and it was a style of shoot I have waited for since I first started out. I laid out my outfit just so. Asked my husband to leave some glue out for me and dreamed about how great tomorrow would be. When I awoke I noticed no glue so I called my husband. So now my perfect day of celebrating not only womanhood but motherhood (my lil peanut was in the shot) was turning South. I found out in the conversation that not only did he leave me no glue but he took my car. How do you drive an hour to a shoot with no car. He told me to cram our HUGE car seat into his small work car.Why is it that he weaseled his way into a new car (new to him) but he only takes it when I don’t need to go anywhere. So now a shoot that took an hour to get to I can’t get to beause 1) his car is too small for the seat and 2) my outfit is less than perfect. Combine in no milk in this house and my day is set up already for failure.
So now I am wondering how do I seperate myself from this man. He thinks that all he has to do is provide and he’s a Rockstar. The longer I stay the worse I feel about myself. There is no hobby in the World that can take this pain away. I take care of his son and his house for nothing? I get it thrown in my face every time I go on a trip. He sees it as me galavanting around the World but what I am most desperate for his to fit in. I tell everybody I am a hugger all the time. I selfishly steal hugs from strangers just so I can feel love. I can’t stop the tears but I need to find a way. Somehow reading about the love Jackie had for Jack makes me feel a little better. How can I compare my travesty of a life to hers. That poor sweet woman forever defined by the losses her life endured. I don’t want to feel sad because I know in the grander scheme of things I am just lucky to stand upright today. I don’t have a vicious mob of people that hate me. I just have one…my husband. I had to take my wedding rings off because for right now in this moment it just feels like a lie. I am still in shock that he would do something like this after all the planning I put into it. I had to message the venue and the photographer as soon as I got up as I don’t want to waste any of their time. I preach of being strong and finding happiness but really I am not entirely convinced I am on the right path either. The decision to leave a loveless marriage is really hard. I know the way we define romance is quite different than Hollywood’s. For me the most important is mutual respect and not to act maliciously to bring the other to their knees. In his eyes I am never good enough. In my sons eyes I am more than good enough. I live on a vicious roller coaster that begins the moment my husband gets home.
I feel so incredibly selfish to have even written this far. I know to others life is harder but for me I just want to make the World better for all of you. I want to express myself artiscally. I want to brighten the World and let you know that I am just as broken too. I try to do so much for this World that only wants to take. Looking in the mirror I know what I have done. I know what I was and who I so desperately want to become. My husband now feels like this obstacle that just stands in front of me to let me know that no matter how hard I try I will fail. It’s like he is taunting me. Letting me know that he only has to invest just enough to make him happy. Nothing more nothing less. Nothing makes a human being crazier than a lack of human touch. I have next to none human interaction. Even when I was out running errands this woman came up to me and told me I was such a wonderful mother. She said I was always talking with him and interacting with him. She said it was rare to see and you could tell that he was responding. I smiled and said I just treat him like the tiny little human that he is. Thinking now I can see that me talking to him is the only human interaction I get. I carry on these conversations much in the same way I do with all my pets. I am stuck in this triangle of wanting to leave to wanting to love my family forever. We have so much invested in this relationship that is why I try so hard. One person can’t be the only one trying. Eventually something has to give. Right now it feels like what is about to give is my sanity. The only way I know how to prevent losing myself is to keep reaching out and looking for that beacon to be my guide. The worst feeling in the World is when your husband becomes your biggest threat. The idea of finding the strength to leave and to build again is nothing new to me. Just this time I have this fabulous little being to consider who deserves a life more than two parents who can’t show even a grain of respect, understanding or physical intimacy between the two. I am done playing this charade like everything is ok. Today I am taking my power back and letting the World know it is ok to be less than perfect. That it is ok that your marriage is failing. Admit to yourself first and then release it into the Universe. Don’t be scared take the first steps. Let it unfold in the way it was meant to. Let your new destiny manifest itself and show you the way.