I used to be one of those individuals that was to scared to do anything. The only thing that didn’t overwhelm me was work. I would work 8 days a week if I could just to keep busy and my mind occupied. Everything was this overwhelming obstacle for me to overcome. It seemed that anything bad that was going to happen was always going to be me. Sheltering myself only lead to my anxiety becoming even higher as I was unaware just how my actions was negatively impacting my World. Alot of it stemmed back to high school. Having to look a certain way. Act a certain way. I knew even back then that I was never destined to fit in. It was the 90’s fitting in was alot easier then it was now. I don’t know what we are doing to our youth but even at 40 I find the World is just getting scarier.
Nobody wants to feel alone. Nobody. Then why do so many people feel that way? I think about how superficial the World has become. We only post these pictures of perfection in order to showcase who we are. The only thing I see is the art on the outside. You can see through the disengeniune smiles. To see true beauty you actually have to see and feel what is on the inside. That is the only truth that we carry on a day to day. Your smile and eyes will tell you everything you need to know. I tend to be weary of those that seem to always be surrounded by others. It’s like safety in numbers. Unless you are the odd man out. I think about our children and how if the World has changed this much in 3 decades what will it be like for them. Computers will keep replacing human interactions. Drugs and alcohol will ran rampant as there will be a sure distinction between those who use and those who don’t. We will always stigmatize users as being addicts and instead of holding out our hands we will continue to cast stones. Even in passing it is amazing what others will say. Some to alleviate the guilt. The guilt they have towards the users and the guilt they have towards themselves. Either way the World seems to be taking a quick slide into isolation is that is the only true constant that we know.
It is impossible to know exactly when somebody needs you the most. For myself I have become accustomed to struggling alone. My wall has been built up again. Slowly but surely brick by brick I feel it. I have been stung too many times by the words of “friends”. Even my husband I have pushed into the far left corner of my mind. At times like this I want to be alone but in the same breath I don’t want to be alone anymore. Losing myself in anything that captivates my mind I wonder who I am and where I will journey next. These past two years have been remarkable but every so often my serenity gets tested. I know pain is the only way we can grow. We get growing pains when we grow to fast. Stretchmarks, acne, unusual hair…physical growth and spiritual growth are very similiar. What gets me with spiritual growth is it’s the only pain that makes you question whether or not your can go on. For every major heartbreak you determine that you can’t. But with every passing day you proove that you can. Sometimes it is true that each day makes it easier but there will always be that one day that will take you right back to the beginning. My biggest concern is if things feel this sh*tty now I know it is only a matter of time before I feel this again but worse. Everything that happens to us is just a by product of this luxury we call life. I am still convinced that our destiny’s are predetermined. That when it is our time there is not much we can do. What I believe with all my heart is we were all put here for a reason. Even those taken far to soon. Everybody’s life has a purpose. It’s in this purpose that I find the strength. Once I know how somebody has impacted my life I forever keep them in my heart.
We were once all these tiny little beings that were surrounded by so much love. Our parents were so proud and humbled by the blessing with the 10 little toes and fingers that they had made. How some parents forget that initial feeling of love I will never know. My son has made me think of each and every person that way. I don’t see just the person in front of me. I want to see who they are and what makes them special. I guess that is why I have chosen the path that I have. You never know whose paths you will cross and it is that potential crossing that has me summoning up the courage to be in a place where I am a nobody. I can be a fly on a wall observing how everybody interacts or I can choose to try and be a part of it all. I have been very blessed to have been welcomed with open arms so far in my travels. My anxiety will always run high. Probably because I attend events where the women are these stunning creatures of perfection. I will always be humbled in the presence of greatness. These women have this fearless beauty. They are so outgoing, loving, courageous…anytime I have an opportunity to draw on the strength of these individuals I will. My music and the pure hearts of those that I gravitate to is what keeps me going.
We all need a purpose in life. That purpose has to be more than just work and paying bills. Nobody wants there life to be remembered as only that. Maybe that is where all my troubles reside in my marriage. Am I unappreciative to the life that my husband has provided for me? Without him I wouldn’t be able to attend the events that I do, well in this crazy National way. It is like he is investing in me. There is no doubt in my mind that he wants me to be happy and successful. After the weekend that we both experienced though it is important to me that we not only connect that we have affection as well. Every time he touches me I recoil. Partly because I feel like he is only trying because of how distant I have become. With every detour though I have learned the importance of including others. Because of my high level of anxiety I am taking the advice of my family doctor. I go in tomorrow to see her as she is worried about the way things have been unfolding lately. Last week when I saw her she suggested counselling and I was unsure if my husband would be willing or even if we could fit it into our schedule. In passing I mentioned it to my husband and he said yes. I am willing to try anything to see if we can get back on course. I don’t want to give up (even though I have told him I have).
Life so resilient in nature but fragile in context. My strength is the exact derivative of all those I get to meet in my travels. I have met some incredibly people with the most amazing stories of strength and fortitude. The bodies willingness to fight and survive is something that shouldn’t be ignored. There will always be those circumstances when we can’t change the outcome. That is just the way the Universe had written it in the stars. There are those that the Universe has given grace to and empowered them with stories to help inspire us and gravitate us towards the lives that we were meant to live. My circle of friends that I hold very close to my heart have all come from moments of great strength. They are those that build up others when they themselves aren’t feeling 100 %. They would give you the coat off their backs to keep you warm. They realize the value in human life and want to ensure that each and every one of us feels like the most important person in the room. We celebrate each others strengths and give advice on how to handle our weaknesses. Even from a hundred miles away just one message lightens my days in ways they will never truly understand. These last three years have been the craziest time of my life. My eyes have opened in ways that I never knew possible. I see now just how selfish my existence has been up till this point. It is funny actually. I understand the validity and point of being selfish but it is by far the worst quality I think we as humans possess. Our survival is pivotal on us shunning away others and focusing in on ourselves. It makes sense from the larger perspective. Somewhere along the line though my focus has been on those around me. When other people are sad my heart breaks for them. I don’t mind being sad because I know that in time it fades. The cries of desperation from the ones that are heartbroken captivates my attention. I want to make their World better because I know that their life is worth it. How can the life of a stranger be worth more than my own? Because I don’t know their storey, I don’t know their struggle, and I sure don’t know what they are capable of. They could hold all the answers inside of them to make the World a better place. Maybe not them directly but in their stories and the people whose lives they will eventually cross. Who are we to form these ideas or opinions on those around us. There was a time when they were all these sweet lil innocent babes who depended on the adults around them for love and guidance. Why do we stop this love and guidance as we age? Why do we think it is funny to gossip and ridicule those behind our backs. Not everybody will understand your purpose or your journey and that is ok. As long as you know that person inside and who you aspire to be it should give you the strength to realize your full potential. You can’t grow as a person unless you spread your wings and fly. You will never impact the lives of somebody else if you stay within your shell for protection. The World will always be scarey. And there will always be those that want to bully you. The World is full of bullies with nothing nice to say. A bully is merely reflecting their poor self image onto you. Their insecurities lead them to rip you apart limb from limb. I know words hurt. They will always hurt. Maybe in time with practice those negative words wont have the impact they do with the right armour put into place. All I want is to hug those that are hurting and let them know that they aren’t alone. I will never give up on those that the World has forgotten. I do have love for strangers because it is the only feeling worth carrying over into the lives of many.
“And I don’t want a never-ending life
I just want to be alive while I’m here
And I don’t want to see another night
Lost inside a lonely life while I’m here”