Why oh why is it so hard to get lost in the vortex that is Facebook. It is so impersonal even though the premise of it is to keep you informed and right in the middle of everybody’s business. I hate the idea that as long as we have Facebook we can be tracked. It’s just like our loyalty cards. We think we are saving but it’s just another way for us to be monitored.
Does anybody else hate how that even before you know your own business somebody’s nose is deep inside of it. It’s like we thirst for information not knowledge. We don’t seek out to know the truth only the colorful design of what we hope the truth would be. Struggling to decide what is wrong from right we go with what the masses have dictated because at least in a sea of people we aren’t alone. Or are we? What are the secrets that we keep from those that we love in order to project ourselves into a more favourable light? To me that seems like such a disservice to oneself. To live a life that is not unique to you. We are all guilty of living lives that are a little less than dishonourable. I know I have. I am guilty of telling lies in order to wallow in my depression. I drank one two many glasses of wine because with each sip I thought the pain was being let go. I had no idea that alcohol serves a purpose like nolvacane. It feels good at the time but when it wears off you are worse off than ever before. It is hard to have a genuine smile as the World as you know it crumbles to millions of pieces. The more pieces that fall the harder it is to put the pieces together to resemble the person you once were. Change changes you. Grief changes you. Heartbreak devastates you. The idea of moving forward when you are leaving somebody behind. Frozen in time I flood myself with the memories of hope, human touch, compassion. I keep searching for the answers I am never going to find. Looking for ways to find the way to make the transition easier for us all.
The hardest part of my week was supposed to be dealing with the crumbling shards of my marriage. Now I have to work through the stages of grief in order to have the storm clouds recede. Knowing that a life altering decision can’t be made during these times I feel like this shell. My greatest source of strength comes from being a mother. Holding my son is the best feeling in the World. Holding onto his little feet and watching him laugh and play. Then all of a sudden he drifts off into sleep and my tears come back. I cry for any mother that has ever lost a child. The World is just so cruel at times when we all our feelings to be overcome by the dark energy that wants to ruin us all. Darkness is something to be feared and not glorified and embraced. It is not death that I fear but the negative energy and attitudes towards it. Life has to have a purpose or everything everywhere is for nothing. Why are we building up our cities and tearing apart those that can’t afford to inhabitat them? Why are some people born wealthy and others dirt poor? Some bellies are so full it becomes obvious why gluttony is a sin and others will never know the warmth of a good nutritious meal. To me it seems like the World is failing all around us. Tell me why somebody else’s life is worthy of riches when other’s aren’t. To me the only hero we have ever known is Robin Hood. Steal from the rich and feed the poor. The World would run just fine on love and compassion but where is the profit in that?
History consumes me because it is within those pages that you can see the rise of great evil. You can see the murder of those who tried to fight for equality. Somehow somewhere somebody got the idea that they were better than every human being in the World! How is that even possible. Because your family was rich? You get to live on easy street while the rest of us get slaughtered in the streets to struggle for an existence that we aren’t even guaranteed that it is worth it. I have young friends with terrrible diseases that will forever inhibit they way they get to live their lives. They didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not karma or tempting the fates. It’s a sh*tty roll of the dice that just came out that way. So many lives get ripped away from us so early with no promise that we will ever cross paths again. How do you grieve for a loss that has no ending. Maybe the loss is when we truly lose it all in the end.
At times I wonder why I should even try to live happy, with passion, with purpose. The outside World has never been a fan of mine and it is for this reason that I don’t want the outside World to see me cry. I know others laugh at my pain and my struggle. That is the World that we live in. We fill our hearts with so much hate without truly understanding why it is there in the first place. We have decided that somebody is evil based on others interpretation of that person. Social media tells us exactly who is ok to like and not to like. They say to keep yourself closed off from those that treat you poorly. The reality is most people now choose to do this behind your back. You don’t really know who your true friends are. Or maybe you do and it is just me that doesn’t have the luxury of having somebody to confide in. That is where most of our fights start with my husband. There is a longing in my heart to just sit down and pour out the contents of my soul. I am hurting. I have been hurt. Somethings inside of me are so shameful it is hard to live with the guilt. My thoughts, my dreams, my World. How I long for somebody that understands me. The hardest reality I am facing is the idea that when I find somebody who understands me and thinks that what I am doing is admirable they leave me.
My mind rushes back to the last time I had an honest conversation with anybody. Last October. A week before my friend died. He would always have a warm cup of tea and a safe place to sit. He would listen and laugh and put me in my place. I valued his opinion and his perspective because in my eyes he has seen alot. He has experienced alot. I still remember our last hug and how it was different than all the ones before. Before I turned the corner I looked back and he waved. He never ever did that before. There was snow on the ground and he was barefoot watching us leave. The anger I feel still surges inside of me as I think about how his storey ended. There was no struggle. There was no fight. His time was up. All that was left was to say our goodbyes. I remember thinking then that I would live my life with so much purpose. I would lead with my heart and nevermind the haters and what their opinion was of me. He gave me so much strength but now all that has happened in the past year is now becoming my weakness. I don’t want to move anymore. Everything hurts. What hurts the most though is finding out the people I thought were my friends were really not. I have become witness time and time again to those that are genuine and those that are only around to leech off your positivity. I have given up on malicious gossip. Even now I only speak to what I know to be the truth and if it comes out that my information was discoloured I will gladly take ownership and seek forgiveness of those I hurt. In fact most days I don’t even have time to engage in the negative assassination of anybody’s character. Why try and rewrite the main character in somebody’s else’s storey when you can rewrite your own?
I know there is so much to be thankful for in this life. Even through all the drama I have a beautiful family. I love each and every one of the furbabies I have had the honour to bring into our family. Each one of them of been abandoned in their own ways. They have all been the product of somebody’s else’s greed and then when they served no other purpose they were tossed aside like trash. These animals will never be trash to me. They are all my saviours. We saved each other on the days that they came into our lives. Their life means just as much as my own. They all had families that humans ripped them away from. They were all given up to shelters for various reasons. The saddest of them all being she was just too needy. A living being needing love is too needy? Please give me the name of the person who shuns affection. Even from a beautiful sweet senior calico who’s only dream is to fall asleep in your arms. Again that ugly selfish head comes. To me it makes more sense to hide away where I am loved most. When I am strong I will try to infect the World with much needed positivity. The World so desperately needs to be blanketed in love. The sooner we realize that not one being is more entitled then others maybe then we can heal the wounds that have affected us since the beginning of time. I can tell you love is the answer. What everybody has been telling us is true. Shed your negative feelings to those you don’t understand. Shelter them from the demons of the outside World and let them know things are going to be ok. Nobody deserves to suffer alone. We all deserve a happy ending. Some stories we can never change. Maybe we just have to keep focused on our own. Happily ever afters can exist they just don’t all have a white stead and come riding in to save the day. Sometimes the best happily ever afters are the ones where we save ourselves instead. Your life and your love is your greatest asset and possession don’t weaken it by giving it to others than don’t deserve it. Keep it safe and secluded into you find those that understand and instead of tarnishing your shine they will do whatever it takes to preserve its beauty.