The Fear of Failure

There are always so many thoughts that overcome me as embark on a new journey. The foremost being how do you know is to try and proolong the inevitable. Theachw if you are living your life in your best light. Everybody has an opinion on what you need to make your life your own. How strange does that sound? So many people erect these obstacles that are never meant to be overcome. We all catapult towards death without truly knowing where it’s going to lead us. All through our lives we are told to fear it and theur are those who’s sole desire tobe r ceases to amaze me arme people who only keep you close to watch you fail. Lately it seems that is all that most have to give of themselves. I feel others energies. At times it’s so overwhelming it feels like I am drowning. I am hesitant to leave my house. And even there the barrage of taunts still haunts me. Yes at times I feel lonely but that is the lesser of two evils. Have you ever gone somewhere anywhere with girls that you thought were your friend. Only excuse yourself to use the washroom to walk into some less than favourable things that are being said? Everybody is so quick to judge. It is like we don’t have time to evaluate the situation and process accordingly. We just take those Words as gospel and use them to throw stones and bring another sister down to their knees.A majority of the population works in this way. It is far easier and fun to terrorize and tease for you are after all the be all end all. You walk into the room like you own it but that is only because the lies you tell. It’s only a matter of time. The truth always comes out even if we have to wait until death.My mortality isn’t based on who you think I am. It is based on who I have become. Unlike yourself who prefers to mock and ridicule I will explore the attributes and characteristics of those who have led successful lives. I will determine my measure of success not you. To be strong enough to hold your head high in a crowd of haters is the best course of action. The only opinion that matters is your own. It is your civic duty to yourself and those that love you to constantly strive to improve. You don’t need a certificate or degree. You just need a desire to live your life uniquely and to not be scared to walk down a path less travelled. Talk and share your lives with others. You only exist in the hearts and minds of others.There are so many things we take for granted without so much of a second thought. Like we expect that there be comformity and respect but we don’t feel the need that it applies to us. We believe to be leaders standing out for minorities without realizing that it is our constant attention to detail that keeps them suppressed. Everytime we use identifying factors in which to set each other a part we are adding to the problem. To me identifying symbody as a “person of color” suggests to me that we should be drawn to their skin color. I don’t know about you but I don’t have any “friends of color”. I don’t identify humans in this way. We shouldn’t keep identifying each other in that way it just adds to the problem.The idea of white privilege is the most upsetting and terrifying thought. I am so against anybody feeling lost, singled out or afraid. My husband works very hard to provide for us. People who work hard are rewarded with higher pay and bbenefits. People who are unmotivated and lazy get fired. Most of the time all this fighting between each other. The nit picking on how we view art, history and each other. We can no longer appreciate who we become because we are told that we are making fun. It just seems like a whole lot of complaining when we should be understanding and loving each other. This is just another way to keep us apart. Apart keeps us segregated from each other. You can see the pooling of individuals occurring as they all dig their heels in. Nobody ever wins. We are all losing and we can see it in everyday life.We were never born or raised to hate. Children only see one thing. Can you play? Let’s play now. They dont recoil when they see somebody different. They are curious, intrigued, thoughtful. Once the boundaries have been crossed they make a friend. Have you ever witnessed a toddler shy away from somebody who was different? Me neither. They don’t think that way. We have polluted their thoughts and minds with how we portray each other. We define our culture, literature, cinema with derogatory views, sayings, slangs. It is almost impossible to grow up without some sort of jaded opinion. I feel for our future. What choice do we have. The egg shells that surround us grow into these mountainous piles. Tip toeing down this fine line there is no where left to go. Everybody is heated. Everybody is offended. We are mere shadows of the hope and future our ancestors had for us. We are even more segregated then ever before. It is hard to determine our directional push at times. Everybody’s time seems to have this limitless value as we rush around to our destination yet we waste so much time. I am also guilty of wasting time. Too much time. When I consider how I used to fill the void with drugs, alcohol, gambling I feel shame. Shame that I didnt take the time to become more self aware. Ashamed that I couldn’t see the value in others as well. Some say it was depression others say it was vanity. I merrely believe that it was just my survival instincts kicking in. I would laugh at the expense at others just to fit in. I would follow those that I looked up to only to uncover that they themselves don’t have the capacity to enjoy the simple things. I stare out at the sea of selfies and wonder just whose approval we are seeking. I fear that maybe my face would get lost in the disapproval cespool that we all struggle so desperately to avoid.I never wanted to live an ordinary life. Nor did I want to live one in glamorous splendor. I just want to be that person that provides a healing shelter to those in need. I don’t want anybody to feel they are alone. That life of loneliness comes at the ultimate price. Our soul, our spirit, our essence thrives in the presence of others. We have to experience all the feelings in order to grow. Without the resemblance of a life well lived we determine their existence to be obsolute and not worthy of a second thought. We forget that the beauty and power of all life begins within us. The journey that continue to unfold of us gives us the platform to exceed our expectations. The expectations we impose on ourselves us what matters most. Without the challenge we would not know our limitations or our breaking points. We would sit in obscure fashion waiting for the hands of time and mother nature not only ravish our souls but return our physical being to carbon to nurture the next signs of life. Shouldn’t we desire the next generation to be enveloped in positivity and hope? Haven’t we proven how beings thrive on love? Isn’t it our responsibility to make the world a better place. The World does not benefit from more concrete and steel. All living things thrive in nature with an abundance of greenery and fresh spring waters. Its alarming how so many of us escape to the great outdoors only to be over run once again when we return to “life”. Now more than ever I am determined. I am determined to see again through the eyes of the child. When happiness was abundant and people were safe. Living in fear is something ingrained in all of us. Fear of failure. Fear of our neighbours. Fear of never amounting to more than a mere spec of dust. To me in this time I have left, I must try. For lack of trying is complete failure. If there is one thing I do know I was not born to fail!

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