Imagine for one second that your voice had the power to make a difference. That the words you spoke become a factual reality and all your hopes and dreams began to manifest. What if you broke yourself down till there was no more left to break and build yourself from scratch. Absent of the pain that was inflicted apon you in it’s place courage and strength took it’s place. So many things are going on in the world all at once. It is so hard to keep everything in it’s place. To do what is right to do what is best. Life. My life. Was never easy. I longed for the life that has just appeared before my eyes. Not wanting to take advantage of these glorious gifts I am on this constant path to self improve. I reach continuously for books that I never knew existed, play my violin everyday and just have a greater sense of inner peace. One that I have never known before.
The theme throughout most of the books that I am reading is the idea that one doesn’t start to feel complete until they identify with the energy that makes them feel complete. That electrifying moment when you know that are in the right place at the right time and maybe just for one quick second your life makes sense. Your existence in that space of time feels right. The overwhelming sense of finally feeling like you belong throws your in a tailspin. I mean, I have never felt like I connected with anybody in this World. I feel these urges where I want to let down my walls and I get scared. What if after spending any amount of time with me something bad happens? What if I am never meant to have a close friend? Look what happens when there is a glimmer. Is that my life destined to exist alone? But only for a few small instances is it ok….
So in the company amongst friends it is time for me to reveal my weakness. The thing that prevents me moving forward with anybody. My husband, my family, my friends. Never again will my heart ever be in the same place. Let me start from the beginning. I was a Daddy’s Girl. Always have been and in some ways I still am. I have no relationship with my Dad. That’s the way he wants it and that is the way it has to be. I was told stories of my Dad only changing my diaper and me only falling alseep in my Dad’s arms. My Dad was super rad. Before you start thinking something happened to him. He is still alive. He is just so ashamed of having me for a daughter. No matter what I do in this life I will never win his love. Since the day I died I have only seen him once. I miss him so much. He was so full of life and would always play catch with me. Those are my favourite memories of him. The ones where we would play catch for hours. Just me and him.
When a young girl gets abused (especially when it is in the family house) something breaks inside the Dad. I remember the only words he said to me is he was proud of me that I still made the honour roll. I can replay that night just like it was yesterday. That night was the last time he ever came into my room to tuck me in. He thought he failed me as a daughter. He valued himself based only on my success. To think because of something out of my control at a young age I have been robbed of having my Dad in my life for almost 30 years. Yes there were times when our relationship wasn’t so broken but honestly those were few and far between. When my Mom left my Dad I have never seen a man so broken. No wonder he is where he is now. He had to build himself up from scratch and try to find the perserverance to move on. Maybe I don’t blame him for not wanting a relationship with me. But as an adult we all have our decisions to make and I stand by mine just as he stands by his.
My weakness will always be the love that I have for my Dad. Nothing will break me more than what I feel for him. It’s hard having this lil spitting image of him and him not in our lives. I hope that this is a decision that neither one of us will regret. I see alot of similiarities in the way my Dad was and my Husband is. My husband is a very hardworking man and it does come at a price. We are struggling to connect but you can’t deny that what he does he does for his family. If I had the power for my Dad to hear my voice would I want it to be heard? The hard reality to that question is I don’t think so. I have worked hard to get to know the person that I am and who I was in fact. How can you hope to reach out and help others if you can not relate to them in some way. We all struggle. We struggle with our jobs, relationships, friends…you name it life is so super hard. Why complicate further with people who don’t give a damn about your existence. Life really does need to be celebrated. In a blink of an eye it could all disappear. Without warning. Just ripples. Ripples in time of what you hope should have been. My biggest regret is not connecting more with those that I love. The simple taking some time to sit and reflect, and unwind and destress. All of that. ou need a sounding board to get that all off your chest. My problem is that whole of insecurity of knowing who to trust. I have been stabbed in the back more times then I can even remember now. What can I say some people are super shady. I really don’t ever want to be that way.
My hermit ways these days might be troubling to some. It is just alot to take in. I am uncovering things I never thought I cared for before. Like the violin. Who are you? And what did you do with her? I have always had that thought that maybe somebody came into my body that day. I am not even sure how to explain that feeling. Something kindof interesting that I just thought of right now is that the lady I speak to for spiritual readings said something very interesting. She said that their were alot of people on the other side. Like a lot of other people. Truth be told I really don’t have that many on the other side unless of course I was there before and met many more. I always thought that. For 6 minutes I died and I always thought that I had been in the presence of my grandparents. I mean I see them so clearly in everything I do. Everything! Maybe that is why I appreciate the time spent by myself. I love the serenity of reading a book while my son sleeps are just staring out the window looking at the rain. I honestly do not know what is out there at all. No recollection. That petrifies me as well. Maybe that is why I search for these hidden messages in everything. Maybe that is why I suddenly have this fascination for reading, music, intellectual stimulation like never before. I also got this bug to travel. I used to be scared of travelling off into the World where I know nobody. I have this uncanny strength that tells me everything will be ok. I just want to live the most positive existence that I can with a minimal imprint. Or maybe I want to leave the World with the biggest imprint so that I can continue to inspire hope and life into the future. That’s what motivates me the most. If I don’t keep trying to learn, to change, to reach the World in monumental ways then my voice will surely never be heard. Who needs to hear my voice anyways. Maybe it is just me that needs to hear it. That my life is worth something to somebody somewhere. Nothing happens by chance but by mere coincidence in this lifetime and in this space. There is no such thing as loss as we can not lose something that never belonged to us in the first place. How selfish of us to think that we have the right to impose restrictions on another being. That is the true horror that I see moving forward. We have learned nothing from war, starvation, and just down right public humiliation. Everybody and everything becomes fair game. We destroy the rights and feelings to somebodys mother, brother, daughter, son like it is no big deal.
My voice. I wish I could have my voice echoed into the halls of the future. I would tell them the ways that we have failed them as a soicety. How we decided that the only person that matters is the one that controls the World. The person in complete power who puppets us around on strings is the one that should be feared. We have allowed the World to suffer because of our own vanity. Strip that away and you will see that we are all born to be the same. The same hopes, dreams and security for the future. Nobody grows up hating the World it is the World that has grown up to hate us.