The Fear of Isolation

The fear of being alone drives us to be in the company of people we know are no good for us. We tolerate teir negative energy and behaviour because at least we have somewhere to go on the weekend. Some place to be seen and be heard. We have no idea the long term damage of living this indulgent lifestyle actually has on our future. And by future I mean our future. Singular plural. That being that resides inside of us. That who future you are affecting. Usually in life we are faced by multiple choices and the easiest choices to be made are those that we make when we are with a crowd. Take me smoking. I started smoking at 13 to fit. I thought that if I was cool like them then at least I had friends right? With that one quick decision I gained a whole bunch of new friends but isolated those that were always by my side. The ones that I played sports with and went to Girl Guide camp. The ones who wanted more out of life and wanted to explore what was out there. Instead I was with the group that wanted to smoke behind the school and skip classes all the time. How strange isn’t it? In my desire to fit in I ended up isolating the best part of me. It would take almost 2 decades for me to recognize the loss from that decision that day. And that really only evolved because I stopped EVERYTHING I was doing and changed my course. I had to. As the clock kept on ticking so did that dream of having a family and that desire to grow old with someone….see there it is again!

Forget isolation for a minute what about the opinions of the others that are around you. The company you keep will definetly have an impact on the lifestyle you lead. My last known memory of a night on the town was at a Drag Show. I blacked out. I woke up feel disgusting and hungover. Did I have fun? I am not sure. I had to search for the basics around my single bedroom apartment. Cell phone: check, wallet: check, Apartment keys: not check. The cold fear ran through me as I was trying to piece back the memories of the night. I was scared of what I may have done or what may have been done to me. I was alone in my apt and my door was locked. It could only be locked from the ouside. Somebody else had my keys but who. It was 7 in the morning and the chances of whoever brought me home was awake was slim to none but I had to know. I sent messages to the people I was there to see and the friend that I went there with. All that they said to me was that I recognized that I was drunk and I took a cab. Great so my fear of not being alone out of fear of being friendless lead to this. I say lead to because obviously I had something major inside I was dealing with and it couldn’t be found at the end of a bottle. Luckily for me another friend saw that I was completely out of it and took me home. He came by later in the afternoon with some Greens and a Berry Smoothie. He knew I was going to be hungover and needed to be replenished.

For me that was it. I needed to stop. I could see that doing what I was doing was never going to amount to anything. That maybe being alone would be better than this. Right around the same time I met my husband. And 6 months later we got pregnant. Our decision to marry was one based out of traditional values and of course that honeymoon love. Oddly enoough even married with a now 2 year old, 9 cats, 2 dogs, and 4 budgies I still feel alone. I feel isolated at times. My inward look on myself has really lead it to be this way. I could go out like I used to our volunteer at different social events but you see. My priorities have changed now. I have a little mind that I need to mold in the best way so my fear of isolation has to take a back burner. Interestingly enough you start meeting the right people with the same goals and dreams when you start realizing yours. You do attract what you put out and I had to change that energy. My son needed me too. Luckily for me (depends on how you look at it because at times it is hard not to miss the career I would have had. I just finished school, I had a career I loved. My co-workers loved me….here’s where that isolating part comes in) my husband makes enough money for me to stay at home and raise our son and look after all the animals. Admist all the chaos I have found time to get to know myself again. I started discovering these hidden passions that when I start to embrace the World acknowledges it in a positive way. I notice it in the way people respond to me when I go out. I usually have a smile and I think I give off this approachable vibe. Maybe it is an extrememly needy vibe. Like pay attention to me please!! You are the only human contact I have had in days lol But for whatever the reasons it works.

I know for some the idea of staying home on a Friday or Saturday night seems foreign. But so is the idea that I forgo’d drinking in order to read and practice my violin. Even recently I found an outlet that requires my brain to get super crafty. So while others are out celebrating togetherness and friendship I am trying to remold my brain in order to be a deeper asset to my own existence. From researching the ideologies of Buddhism (just the very basics there is so much more to come) the simplest of all beliefs is the attachment we have to each other and our things prevents us from fully realizing our potential. Think of that. We somehow believe that having a negative partner is better than being happy and working on ourselves. We would rather attach ourselves to the feelings we get from items or each other to manifest our outcomes of who we want to be. What ends up happening is a distortion of a true wants and beliefs. The book I think is called the enlightened mind. Its posted on my Facebook page The Prairie’s Passionate Pin-Up. I update that alot faster than my website. But anyways here’s what I think I understand from that book. That little voice that talks to us. It’s talking to you as you read. You know how it has little side thoughts and beliefs and guides you throughout life. That is who we are. Look inside of you. Deep inside. Who you are isn’t defined by how you look. You could be 1,000 pounds or 80 pounds but that inner voice is still their. When you saturate that inner you with negative thoughts and emotions sure it is going to be harder to here and do what genuinely makes you happy. You could lose a limb and you are still you. Maybe even better because you overcame something that not alot of us can totally understand. But that was all you. Who you were on the inside. That voice that tells you to get up and make a change. We all have it. Just sometimes it is alot louder than others. You know what I mean. That voice that tells you you had to much to drink or to not get into that strange guys truck. Then all of a sudden you listen to the stranger beside you then you itself. We all really need to believe that who we are truly rocks. Your happiness your true happiness depends on the you on the inside. Once that honour is met there is no negative obstacle in the World that can tear you down. Here’s the deal nothing in life is guaranteed. Except for death. That is inevitable for all of us. I hate thinking about that. That moment. That is my biggest fear. Will I get everything that I want done in the time that is left? How much time is left? If I knew exactly when it would happen would I change the direction of my life now?

There is no life on this Earth that I don’t find value in. I know that you can’t take anybody or anything for face value. We all have a storey and we all have experienced pain. That is also the other true inevitable. We will all feel pain. That is what holds us back from truly embracing who we are. Yes I am scared. I am very scared but I know that this is not a path I walk alone. How much nicer would living be if we all just embraced ourselves first and then each other. There is no sense in establishing superficial relationships when acquantices will do. I have alot of work to get myself to the point where I would be happy with how I lived my life. It is no longer the acquiring of possessions but creating lasting prosperous memories. Celebrating the uniqueness of each and every one of us. I want to connect with that voice inside all of us to say, “Hey there, it’s ok now you are totally in a safe place. Anything you feel is valid and I am just here to help you celebrate that.” Maybe it’s not isolation we should fear. Maybe we should feel the value of getting to connect with somebody on a deeper level that goes far beyond physical intimacy. The World is broken and we have all been misguided but maybe in time we can heal the masses while we look inward and heal ourselves.

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