I always wanted to fit it. Always. I was a shy young girl and found it hard at first but making friends became easy. It was keeping them that was a bit harder. My desire to fit in was more like a desire…a desire to be popular but only with the boys. I guess that is where my first misguided misconceptions started to form. Surely little by little I started making choices and friends that gravitated me towards the wrong crowd. It is not like a grew up sheltered, I just grew up with a strong desire to be close to my family. Nothing else really mattered until I ventured off into school. And it wasn’t right away. As youngsters are personalities were just forming. We were just learning about arts, crafts, sports, music. We all had our “thing” and mine was surely boys.
I do not know exactly what made me so boy crazy. Maybe it was because I just wanted the perfect husband. You know incredibly handsome, athletic, driven…there were easier ones to catch but none of them really tickled my fancy. I think in my high school years I had one true sexual experience. The rest was all foreplay. I still had this misguided dream that white picket fences still existed…until they didn’t anymore. I wonder if that dream still does exist for some. Or maybe we are all in this realm where dreams are forever to be chased until one day they become shattered. I always wanted to wait until I found THE ONE. I waited 38 years for the chance.
Part of the reason why it spand almost 4 decades for me to begin my family is because my expectations were extremely misguided. The family dynamic was changing at an alarming rate. No more were the days where families gathered around for a meal around 6. One or more of the family members had to work. Somebody was always missing. Usually for us it was our Dad. With the partraich of the home missing there were no more dinners. Unless of course we asked but 9 times out of 10 one missing family member led to 2 so what’s the point of cooking right? Barely did couples ever stay together. The older I got the worse the dating pool became. So many people had children and some with even multiple partners. I mean I met a slimeball online with four different baby mama’s. Two were clearly pregnant at the same time. He was disgusting. He was vial and when I found out about his lies. You see I would always put there phone numbers into the Facebook search. You would be surprised at how these idiots would actually have their phone linked to their profile. Desperate for attention though I would always give them the benefit of the doubt somewhat. But once the dic picks started. BARF!! Besides he had four children what business would he want with one. I still held on to that dream that maybe. I would toy with the idea that maybe I should just get pregnant and raise a child on my own.
My self esteem just wouldn’t let me go there. I was a hopeless flirt and at times a little bit shameful but I always held on to that old school belief. Maybe that is why I like vintage so much. I want to believe that our sexuality still means somethings just in the days of the Hollywood starlets. Fashion doesn’t exist anymore. Either does style or taste. It’s like in our desire to become something we have become nothing at all. Maybe that is why I much prefer to be a homebody. With short burst of outside entertainment. Nothing to crazy just enough to remind the World that I am still here. I think that is the best way to explain myself. Like a super nova! Waiting to grace the sky until it is much needed. I don’t want to dilute my presence to the World but dilute the World with my presence. The more pain I absorb the easier it is to overcome at times. I am still trying to let go of some serious connections. That is what makes you tied to this World and hardens your ability to be able to release your whole spiritual side.
I think the hardest obstacle that I will ever have to cross is that inevitable day when either my Dad or I crosses that rainbow bridge. I am scared of one of us leaving the world without him truly knowing how much I love him. When I think about the void between us and the lack of any type of hope my heart breaks all over again. It’s like my existence never mattered to him. Without him I am nothing. NO life. No heart, no being. How does one ever move past having that piece of you despise your existence. I am so scared that I will never get to love him the way I did when I was little. My biggest regret in this life is becoming the person my dad hates. What choice do I have? Family has to mean something right? I know that to some it doesn’t but to me I feel like it should. I have the best memories of being a child that flood back everytime I play with my son. My son is the spitting image of my dad. My dad wants nothing to do with us. Not now not ever. I ask you how could somebody hate their own blood that much. I almost died and still my dad wanted nothing to do with me. The man who gave me life really couldn’t care less about me and my familly. Can somebody tell me how to move past that? This is the source of all my pain. I can’t imagine ever not loving my son enough. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to share my life with him. To watch him grow. The idea of not getting the chance to because of an illness, accident or who knows what else makes me feel with dread. What did I do? It makes me feel like he is on drugs or drinking, or heaven forbid maybe he has a split personality or worse yet what if he was brain washed by maybe aliens or something else.
The hardest thing about getting older is when you start reflecting back on your own life. The years that pass bring you closer to that day when all times stands still, at least for you it does. What we do with the years in between is up to us. We can never force those to be around us who don’t want to be. Nor should we tie or happiness to somebody else’s. I know all that. But for a certain time during the day it is hard not to imagine what scares you the most. There is more seconds against us then there ever has been. When I think about the things I did when I was a kid and now my son doing the same. I lied to my parents all the time to drink and party. I never did drugs like the kids do now. I would have a hard time living with myself if he was ever bullied like some of the kids now a a days. I get sick to my stomach thinking of a life without my son now. But what makes me sicker is how sad he would be if I weren’t here for him. Life is incredibly painful. We just have to glitter it with enough hope to make it bearable. We have to forge relationships instead of family ties. Family almost feels like an obligation these days. I have never given so much to have everything thrown back. Soon too that gets old. Creating new healthy habits and boundaries are all so critical right now for our family. The only chance I have of protecting my son from the evil’s of the World is through honesty and education. I have to teach him enough and show him by example what a good life feels like. That dreams can be reached for but never obtained. You see dreams need to keep evolving in order for us to not become stagnate. We all have seen what happens to those who think they have reached their dreams. A crash right back to reality. Hopefully that is the worst of it.
I am tired of living in such a greedy World. Those that don’t want to live simply but will do everything to simply live. Live in the manner of their own choosing. Something that continues to erode the spirit and the mind. Something that will forever keep us bound to our problems and will never truly let us be set free and fly. Sometimes I feel like I am in control and on top of things. Other times I feel like I am at my wits end. What keeps me moving forward is reminding myself we are all truly bound to this period in time together. If I can make your experience better by being happy and positive and reaching out a hand just imagine if you were on the other side reaching too. We are all guilty of loving our superficial over inflated lives just a tad too much. Maybe it is simply enough to live humbly and let the humbly live too.